What Does That Chronic Masturbating Monkey And That Guy Texting On His Blackberry Have In Common?

I work at a hippy restaurant. Yes I know you all expect a part time internet humor/comedy writer to be independently wealthy surrounded by swimming pools full of gold bouillon in my cavernous two bedroom apartment but I do actually work a day job where I'm surrounded by demanding yuppies and past due hippies. What does this have to do with hand held technology? I mean hippies are a bunch of tree climbing savages who use bark for toilet paper (if they use toilet paper at all) and flutes as telephones. Alright I'm exaggerating hippies nowadays are the same as everybody else except their shoes made by Chinese children have a tie dye pattern on them. Now back to the subject at hand, everyday we are required to do a process called "clearing" in which you stare into each other's eyes for 15 seconds and then answer the question of the day. Several days back it was a question about things other people do that piss you off (paraphrased from hippy mumbo jumbo talk) . A coworker of mine (not a hippy) was complaining about how people text while driving and "constantly need to be entertained by hand held devices".

At the risk of being redundant I'd like to repeat that last statement "People constantly need to be entertained by hand held devices". People.... I can recall a relative of people that also is also constantly entertained by a "hand held device". I am talking about the monkey, in fact I am specifically talking about the male monkey who can be found chronically masturbating on a daily basis. Yes way before the ipod, cellphone, or sham wow existed a hand held device that didn't cost you $400 and brought you a lifetime of enjoyment existed. This fine product? Your genitals.... A hand operated device that brings you temporary entertainment. If someone could patent the penis they're be the richest person to ever exist. Of course in our modern human society you can't just whip it out and have a go anytime you want. (Not unless you're very careful on the subway anyway). But you can whip out your iphone anywhere!

So are these devices a replacement or at the very least a substitute for chronic masturbation? Or will Steve Jobs finally drop that restraining order and listen to my ideas to create the "iBone" a combination iphone/fleshlight which is a hell of a good time when set on vibrate. As they say "Idle hands do the Devil's work", of course I wonder how any kind of work would get done with everyone constantly masturbating.

- Dr. Intoxicated