A Swift And Delicious Proposal....

America has a food crisis that concerns our future generations. No I’m not talking about the rampant popularity the food network’s answer to Fred Durst a decade too late and too lame Guy Fieri and I’m not talking about childhood obesity caused mostly by lazy parenting. I will say that deficient parenting is part of the predicament but in this case it is the solution and not the problem.

Anyone who has ever watched the Maury show knows that there is at least 12 seasons of unwanted pregnancies crawling around out there and that’s just those lucky/dumb enough to end up on Maury. Face it with the human population out of control and worse parenting than ever we have a crisis. In fact the major cause of pollution and global warming is overpopulation, think about all the extra cows that must be raised and crops to feed them.

One of the less popular but more novel ideas is to shift our food source towards microproteins which is a euphemism for eating bugs. Though looked at as weird in the U.S. it is extremely common in other countries like Indonesia and probably Canada if we hold them in a full nelson and shove bugs in their “ay-holes”. Sure in eating cockroaches is a novel idea if you live in places like New York City or Sarah Palin’s vagina but what about places that aren’t filthy and devoid of intelligent life?

If only there was some way to cure the food crisis and reduce population at the same time?

If you can’t guess where I’m headed with this you’ve never ever read anything I’ve written or even looked at the photoshop at the top of the article. So let’s just do a quick analysis of pros.

1. As A Food Source- Babies are juicy and tender like veal and only the size of a chicken and can easily be produced at home (but not raised). Through the incompetent lazy people at the FDA have yet to release or look into producing a nutrition facts sticker for babies by weight you can assume they are high in protein and iron and low in fat. So basically eating a baby it healthier than anything sold at McDonald’s and far less globally destructive.

2. Economically - Instead of paying thousands to raise these unwanted children we could earn money by selling them for food. Why buy birth control of condoms or even get them free when you could be irresponsible and get paid for it? Maury would be off air as no one would care anymore who the father is or the father would go on the show to find out he could get a cut of the sale. Also it will fuel the epicurean industry with sales of rotisseries, and tools to crack the soft spot in their head open like a lobster. When unwanted pregnancies become a delicacy suddenly restaurants in poor neighborhoods (close to the source of a lot of unwanted pregnancies) will be haute cuisine fueling the local economy!

3. No religious objections – While you’ll get constant objections to condom distribution, sex education, abortion there has been no documentation suggesting God is against killing fully developed actual babies.. God has no problem with baby killing but hates abortion because of the lack of suffering, he wants that baby to suffer just a little bit before he offs them, also the woman giving birth suffers, as long as there is suffering God is down. In fact there are numerous occurrences in the Bible in which God wants a child dead. Here are a couple examples (paraphrased in dialogue)

To King Solomon

God to Solomon – hey man cut a baby in half

Solomon - Ah I see the true mother would rather give it up than see it harmed!

God – yeah sure dude, sounds good to me.

To Abraham

God – Yo Abraham, do me a favor, go kill that first born son of yours

Abraham – Ah to test my faith!

God- yeah… something like that.

To Moses

Moses – God the Pharaoh won’t release my people from bondage!

God – Alright man cool, I’ll just kill all the first born sons in Egypt and…

Moses – Whoa man, hold up, isn’t that a bit harsh, I was thinking more like sending down some lightning and scaring him into freeing us or maybe a plague or two but this is a bit far.

God – Don’t tell me how to do my job, dick. Man if I hear one more complaint out of you Jews….

So in other words Bon Appetite you defiliating dapifers! Just don’t listen to Food Network when preparing your infantile indulgence or 9 months of hard work will literally end up a culinary abortion.

How To Make An Indy Movie Soundtrack

The reason most people remember indy movies is because many of them have great soundtracks, no matter how awful the actual movie is (I.E. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, even Kate Dennings supple chested pederast appeal couldn’t help this hipster quagmire despite Michael Cera’s stunning performance as a Woody Allen blow up doll with a slow leak)

1. The Underrated Older Mass Appeal Song - This is your most important song, your hook. You need a popular song from an old school band that still has indy cred, The Cure, The Smiths, The Pixies, Echo and The Bunny Men, New Order, Joy Division. This is essential as it’s what convinces people to listen to your soundtrack and probably watch your bad movie. It’s important the song is melancholy so people know your movie is” deep” and that if people don’t like it they just don’t “get” it.

2. The Fringe Popular Songs - Get a couple popular bands that haven’t really broken into the mainstream so they still seem cool to everyone but the most ironic of hipsters (who still love them secretly and not ironically). Wilco, Morningwood, and The Strokes are all good examples. You have to show the audience that “yeah we get you, we think you’re cool, and we’re cool to let’s be cool together and sit in a coffee shop sipping lattes pretending to be important on our laptops. Maybe we’ll grow soul patches and hit the urban outfitters later.” These are the non-threatening bands that are just catchy and obscure enough to get people to buy the album.

3. The Cover Song Done By Someone You’ve Never Heard Of - Now you need a cover song done by a relatively unknown artist. This will seal the deal. Take an older hit song and get a band to cover it. If it’s a fast song make it slow and acoustic, if it’s a slow song make it fast and electric. Take a Doris Day song and have a suicidal junky sing it, maybe do an electro-pop version of Frank Sinatra’s “What A Wonderful World”. The only real rule here is do not make sad songs happy and no hardcore, thrash, metal etc.. Also avoid long obnoxious techno and anything that can be associated with non-white people. You don’t want to scare them off.

4. Foreign Language Song - Either take a previously popular song and have someone perform it in either French, Italian, or Spanish or use a song that’s already in one of those languages. As long as it’s slow and acoustic no one will mind. The importance of this song is to appeal to people who want to pretend they are worldly and culturally educated and sensitive. The illusion that this film has made you and expert on foreign affairs because you’ve heard the Spanish version of “Our Lips Are Sealed”.

5. A Background Score Track - Package some background music in from whomever did your movie score. It’s filler but you can also use it to fleece the composer by promising them a percentage of the soundtrack sales instead of paying them outright.

6. Movie Dialogue Tracks - Two tracks with movie dialogue so they don’t forget it’s from your movie. After listening to the soundtrack enough people will forget how bad the movie was and go see it again either by renting or purchasing the DVD.

7. Some Shitty Song By Someone Related To The Movie – I could a song by the Production Assistant’s band or the Director’s half retarded nephew, the key is that it’s cheap, pleases someone at the study, and has never been heard outside a pot smoke filled basement full of the deadbeats producing it. This will show the hipsters you’re one of them, one of them worthless assholes who will still be a clerk at the record store 20 years from now.

8. The Sad Moral Struggle Song – I know its redundant mentioning this song as it’s usually covered by half the album already. A token depressing song that is almost always a sad “why did I screw up” love song. There is usually 3 or 4 of these on the soundtrack already in some form or another.

9. The Token “Let’s Have Fun/Party/Everything Will Be Alright” Song – This song is the upbeat one that says “hey a bunch of stuff happened but it’s all cool now so let’s all party”. So they spend all movie making you sad and confused but it’s all cool, no hard feelings, everything turned out pointless let’s party! After all you’ve become close to the characters, you care what happens to them now no matter how un-hip and un-cool it is to care about things that weren’t from childhood cartoons.

10. The Bonus Track – This can be any piece of crap you find, as long as it’s either goofy or sung by cast members, most likely both. It could be sassy and campy to highlight a totally unnecessary involving ancillary homosexual characters who were forced into the plot for diversity reasons in which they dance and sing into hairbrushes (as it is a common fact that all gay men dance and sing into hairbrushes, it’s just nature at work). Either way it’s going to be awful and not worth listening to unless it’s by either Wesley Willis or Daniel Johnston.

Now that my indy movie soundtrack is complete it’s time to go find retro things and ironically make them popular with hipsters again. Hey hipsters, aids was really popular during the 80’s maybe you should all get aids ironically! Come on it’ll make you even more pale and thin and unhealthy than going vegan and you can look like heroin addicts with none of the fun and incite that comes with doing heroin! Hooray for aids!

I Demand That No More Images Be Posted Of The Prophet.

Religious intolerance has gotten out of control. Certain shows and internet sites think it’s funny to post pictures of the Prophet despite it being against my religious law which has no bearing on anything unless I lash out like a psychopath and attack you for doing so or as in most cases our regional religious rival who have everything to gain from our downfall commits said acts and claims to be staunch believers in the Prophet despite being funded by our Zubat rivals.

Just this week I’ve seen the prophet depicted in pieces (combo as it’s called), on women’s breasts, and even in leather like some sort of BSDM.

THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

The Prophet Slowhammed will not be disrespected, nor will the Islowmic religion. Even in mass media the prophet is parodied as an idiot, the breme creators of the show “Pokemon” have even used a bumbling version of the prophet as a side character even going as far as to include him as a playable character in videogames often misrepresenting his transcendental evolution as a farcical idiotic happenstance.

For you idiots who believe this “Pokemon” bullshit I will clear up a few things about the Prophet Slowhammed.

1. He is not stupid, he simply takes time to thoroughly analyze the problem before speaking and referring you back to the only true divine answer which is “Slowpoke”.

2. Slowhammed’s First Evolution was not by some bumbling accident in which he dangled his tail accidently in the water and it was bit by a malapert shellder. No the Prophet had sat for many months meditating over worldly matters, realizing that for true peace and earthly unification he must present himself as a martyr to the dwellers of the sea so that land and sea may be joined in holy unity. The shellder an apostle of what the prophet’s tail could teach him begrudgingly agreed to this union knowing that despite the pain it would cause the prophet it would allow the message of unity through martyrdom permeate the land and sea. The Prophet reached out with his mighty posterior appendage and lifted the creature of the sea into the light saving him with his infinite kindness.

3. Slowbro, brother to all: Now on hind legs the time for sitting and meditating was over. He was to walk upright and spread the message of brotherly love and introspection the best he knew how (with his infinite knowledge) he knew his message must be short and simple or the commoners would reject it. And in the gospel it is written as “Slowbro”. Slow as in introspective, thought out and Bro as in brother, so “Introspective Brother”. As he traveled he learned, from the Lapras he learned Icebeam, Focus Punch from the Hitmonchan , and so on. Finally prepared to seek his thrown calm yet bold in his knowledge of the elements Slowbro knew it was time to no longer be a brother to all to take his right place of power.

4. The Ascent of the Slowking: Though blasphemers would have you believe that the slowwitted Prophet decided to place the shellder on his head like a crown unaware of its poisonous LSD like toxins that seeped into the Prophet’s brain driving him mad and making him believe he was some great monarch the real story is that of the ages. Slowbro brother to all began his ascent to king’s rock for his final meditation and to assume control of the kingdom of heaven however the shellder grew jealous of the prophet, the prophet knew this but remained loyal to his apostle. When the time had come to elevate himself onto the king’s rock Slowbro realized that the shellder’s jealousy in feeling of inequality was weighing him down. Instead of shedding the pathetic meek sea dweller Slowbro instead did what all great leaders do for their loyal slaves, he elevated him from the tail to his head allowing greater mental, physical, and cosmic balance as he embraced the king’s rock and his new kingdom.

5. The jealous Zu and Golbats became jealous of the prophet who took the king’s rock which was once theirs (before being pushed off it dozens of times by tougher pokemon and occasionally getting it back with moves like “confusion” and the whiny “Supersonic”). The Zu and Golbats tricked other pokemon into giving them TM’s often using “confusion”, “supersonic”, and secretly using “payday” (they know it but will lie if you ask about it) so they could wage war on the Prophet and take his King’s Rock which was really of no use to them. The Slowking a peaceful creature was besieged and finally knocked unconscious with no berries, potions, or Pokemon centers nearby he collapsed for the last time and ascended to heaven.

I pity those of you who could insult such a great heroic savior, such a wise peaceful Prophet who only wants you to love and do exactly what he says as his immortal slaves or be killed by someone who does. Religion no matter how fictional and illogical deserves your tolerance and respect because we will kill you to prove we are logically superior and attack and declare your “science” wrong because we don’t feel like understanding it and we will show it no respect as we depend on it to live every day. Feel our infinite love through death if you disagree!

NOW I MUST ASK YOU THE QUESTION OF YOUR LIFE DO YOU EMBRACE SCIENCE OR ARE YOU A SLOWPOKE?

LT then and now