The Afghan/Iraq wars are the least fun wars in American history. In World War Two "the big one" the soldiers in Normandy had wine and French prostitutes. On the Pacific side there was sake and Asian hookers, same with Korea and Vietnam (which also had opium and by that point LSD). It seems like Wars were just getting more fun each war there were hotter prostitutes and better party accoutrements in fact the logical next place to invade would have been a toss up between Cancun and Amsterdam. But no, those Bush boys don't know how to throw a fun war. I guess they might have thought that all the sand made it kind of like a big beach and all that talk of harems sounded kind of cool also Afghanistan was the world's leading poppy producing country before the Taliban took over. If you combine all those things it sounds like a kickass time! Unfortunately we arrived at the party way too late and Ayatollah "moon dog" and his fraternity of party sheiks had already been evicted for rock'n out too hard and now we're stuck with a bunch of uptight party poopers who scoff when you suggest a "burka raid". See they've got "religion" so we have to respect their ideas no matter how backward they are because we want them to respect the backward ideas of people in this country who also have "religion". Now generally when someone tells you they don't have fun because of their religion you do what any good and sensible American would do... You point at them and laugh. Well we can't do that here because it's like being stuck in Sunday school and nobody wants to have fun! In fact all the kids sitting around you are will chastise you for having fun! It's like the un-fun family you're stuck going to when you'd rather be at home drinking.
So having examined this spatilomantic situation let's see what is left for fun in the Middle East. Okay no booze or drugs, no sex or porn, and no swimming, surfing, or water sports. Alright well there is one thing the Middle East does have a lot of... Poi! I mean sand! Yes sand! We could try making sand castles unfortunately with the winds and no moisture to hold the sand together it would be kind of pointless. Don't worry that doesn't mean beach party Iraq is a bust. What is the one thing that symbolizes beach party fun in fact it's so much fun it can be seen in the stands at sporting events or concerts. I'll give you a hint it's plastic and colorful and not the remains on Kanye West's dead mother. I'm talking beach balls. As far as I know there are no laws against beach balls in the Middle East (Well unless you try to have sex with it or draw a frowny face on it and name it "Mohammed", or both. Definitely do not do both.). Hey you start tossing around the beach ball, get the natives involved and maybe eventually someone will bust out the wine coolers and from there real booze! So let's divert some of those Haliburton subsidies to buying beach balls for the troops and call me crazy but maybe some bullet proof vests too. Well at least until we can find an excuse to politely leave this un-fun party.. Where a bunch of people got murdered... That's probably a good reason in itself.
Partying with his own inflatable polyurethane prostitute.
- Dr. Intoxicated
