With the legalization of marijuana on the stoned minds of the nation (when they aren't caught up in the plot of a Scooby Doo episode they're watching) and Portugal's wildly successful legalization of all drugs five years ago it looks like it's time to start looking for something new to legalize.
As a humble and deviant thinker I have taken this task upon myself. Now I live in a state in which everything fun is illegal and considered to be one these least free states in the nation so it's hard to think of a cause that has mass appeal (as opposed to local appeal, like legalizing fireworks and no longer forcing people to pay ludicrously high car insurance rates, Geico won't even touch this state).
But what? Gay marriage...... I consider this a non-issue, legalizing it nationwide would help the economy and be the just plain sensible thing to do but someone already started that campaign. Post-Birth abortion? ..... I don't think we're quite ready to face that one head on.
We need something dangerous (because everything fun and cool is dangerous) but also not necessarily fatal. Something the likes of Darwin or satirist Jonathan Swift would be proud of...... I've got it!... Stabbing!
That's right legalize stabbing people. Stabbing isn't always fatal but still pretty dangerous.... and cool! Alright it's time to list off some fun facts (and I loosely use the word "facts" but no more loosely than someone who would quote the Bible as "fact")
Stabbing Fun Fact #1: Most People Who Get Stabbed Deserve It!
Though there has been no official scientific study on the matter in many cases of stabbing the victim did something to piss off the stabber. Of course data is rather tough to acquire because some pansies find it inappropriate to ask stabbing victims in the ER "did you do anything to deserve the stabbing you received today?" along with proof of health insurance. Look at it this way, if someone wants to hurt you so bad they're willing to stab you, you probably did something really bad to them and chances are you deserve it.
Stabbing Fun Fact #2: Stabbing Isn't Always Fatal!
How often do hear about a stabbing on the news? If you live in my neighborhood pretty much weekly. Does everyone die from being stabbed? No! In most cases it takes being stabbed many times to get hit fatally (unless you're dealing with a professional and experienced stabber).
Stabbing Fun Fact #3: Legalizing Stabbing Will Help The Economy!
Between the costs of knives, medical attention and the emerging industry of "stab proof clothing" stabbing is a cash cow industry. Also the occasional "accidental" stabbing death will create some cash for the funeral industry! (Legal Disclaimer: Stabbing is in no way meant to harm, maim, or kill if done responsibly by a trained stabbing professional)
Stabbing Fun Fact #4: It's A Feel Good Fun Time!
Nothing is more relaxing than a long stabbing on the beach, with no mention of sex or drugs it can also be a wholesome family friendly activity too! It's also a great way to blow off some steam!
Stabbing Fun Fact #5: Stabbing Is A Victimless Crime!
Most people who claim to be "Stabbing Victims" are really just career victims who are simply blaming being stabbed for their shortcomings in the not being stabbed area of their lives. Chances are they instigated being stabbed by being a difficult customer or chronically falling on knives like celebrities they see on television.
Okay now we need a stabbing related holiday..... Anyone know when O.J. Simpson's birthday is?
Stab, Stab, Stabb'n At Heaven's Door - Dr. Intoxicated
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