What The Economy Needs.... More Cigarettes.

So the all mighty dollar is looking about as mighty as an MTV rapper without his security team. The U.S. dollar’s value has been on a steady decline for years much like Ben Stein’s career (which was never anything more than mediocre). Sure years of bad choices are turning the U.S. dollar into the Courtney Love of currency, once proud and admirable but now battered and whorish. So what do we do? Well we could doing something rash like close taxes loopholes for corporations, regulate the banks, stop devaluing the dollar by overproducing it, and require an import tax on non-perishable products to encourage/penalize companies into producing their products in the U.S. strengthening our overall economy or we could just let it collapse and find a new currency…. So America needs a new currency!

If you watch a lot of day time television (and you do you jobless bum) the obvious choice would be gold, after all Cash 4 Gold’s free pamphlet and persuasive arguments by mediocre “celebrities” we thought were dead would suggest that the shiny commodity of the past is our future. Our course gold is heavy and not easily stored in fact only Long Island Italians would whole heartedly embrace the gold standard. Also gold is around forever so it can’t be easily destroyed or recalled to control its value and there is no real way of keeping track of it. No we need something of value we can control production of and devalue at will.

In prison and in prison movies there are two major sources of currency cigarettes and ass. Ass is a commodity that quickly becomes devalued if you don’t watch it and would make simple transactions on the outside such as purchasing a 7/11 taquito much more costly and difficult “okay, so you can either fuck me in the ass for 4 seconds now or wait until I’ve accrued 6 taquitos, a slurpee, and 4 copies of Juggs magazine for a full 3 minutes” (of course that 4 seconds would have to be split between regional, corporate, the suppliers, producers, employees well you catch my drift. Also it would really suck to be boss come pay day for the employees). So at the risk of becoming unpopular I will go out on a limb and say that ass sex probably won’t work to well as a standalone currency, sorry Spencer Pratt I know how eager you were to get rich again (his ass is already probably looser than Eddie Murphy’s definition of the word “woman”). Also women would be born with twice the currency flipping the status quo and men would be trapped under the “ass ceiling”.

Now ass might not work but I still think prisons are a good place to look, after all 1 out of every 100 Americans is in prison/jail currently and with unemployment on the rise along with crime it’s a growing industry. In fact if we did use a prison based currency it would transition from jailed life and invisibly jailed life much easier for Americans. So let’s examine the other popular currency used in prisons, cigarettes.

Cigarettes are paper much like our current currency and they’re light weight. They’re also easily destroyed and can be smoked so it would be easy to correct market issues making them nearly impossible to effectively devalue for more than a couple months. Also in comparisons to other currencies on the world scale cigarettes are valuable just about everywhere. In Europe especially France they love cigarettes so the cigarette would hold up very well and may even surpass the Euro in value (it pretty much has in Eastern Europe already). In Russia and China you can already use cigarettes as currency so the cigarette will remain strong in China’s expanding economy (India loves tobacco too, but they have better stuff than us).


So switching our currency to cigarettes works well on a global scale but what about domestically? Well the healthcare industry in its current state is huge business and cancer is a leading driving force in this business and with smoking cigarettes being a major cause of cancer you have created a self sustaining economic cycle. The only way you can escape this glorious display of capitalism would be to die… Actually not even death would allow you to escape capitalism as the rise in deaths would stimulate mortuary industry!

So America stimulate the economy with stimulants and look cool doing it! You've got currency to burn!

How Avatar Would Actually Happen

Avatar. Wow, what a movie. So visually stimulating, especially in imax. Hooray humanity looses in the end! Boo humanity! Yay big blue hippies!

Alright now that I’m finished pandering to James Cameron and patronizing the special effects crowd (the effects were amazing by the way) it’s time to analyze how things would actually happen. It is slightly insulting to assume that humanity with our exceedingly enormous capacity for war and destruction would lose a fight to a bunch of naked horse riding blue hippies. In fact if there is only one thing humanity excels at it’s our capacity to destroy the environment and native cultures that respect the environment. We would never go in and make our intentions direct and clear, we learned that with the American Indians in the Black Mountains. No we’d do what we do best, infect their culture with the worst of humanity without warning and ease them into lethargic complacency.

Step 1: The Peace Offering

This is the cornerstone of any successful campaign to destroy a culture without having to fight them at full strength. Start with a friendly gift or dinner under the guise of “cultural exchange” now small pox blankets or a Rosie O’Donnel comedy CD is simply too vile to begin with, plus smallpox may not effect them the same way as it does us as they are genetically different from us. Let’s start with a disease that we’re sure can spread to all cultures causing obesity, heart disease, hamburglary, and general lethargy. I’m speaking of the scourge of the sesame seed bun McDonald’s. Every culture McDonald’s has infiltrated has seen exponential rises in obesity, heart disease, and rises in the criminal act of hamburgarly (a felony in some countries). Japan once a proud fish eating nation is now battling national obesity for the first time ever, soon Japanese pornography with the skinny little prepubescent girl pooping on your chest in a subway train will be gone forever replaced with a portly saggy woman offering to “make your break today” for a vagina full of french fries. Simply introduce the bluebodies to some to McDonald’s as “the delicacy of Earth”. They may be disgusted at first (as they should be) but eventually they’ll be eating it every meal.

After we open up a McDonald’s it’s time to introduce them to alcohol. The good old firewater has fucked up more cultures than Jay Leno has fucked up good jokes (alright that’s hyperbole, there aren’t enough ravaged cultures to compare to Leno’s concentration camp of comedy.). Give booze to even the noblest native leader and weeks later they’re wearing the sacred headdress on their ass, pawning ancient pottery, and trading the great moon spirit for moonshine and American spirits.

2: Introduce Drugs

Look most of them already seem to be on ecstasy and they’re all about “being one with nature” and altered consciousness and other things humans excel at. Simply spread the Navi equivalent of crack around their deciduous commorancies and watch those green eyes turn red. Within weeks they’ll be digging up the great tree and pulling up unobtainium with their bare hands. If there’s any protest bring in the Navi equivalent of pot to ensure they’ll be too damn lazy to create a competent resistance (like what happened to the hippies, who were mostly useless middle class kids anyway) and make it illegal too, so if any of them get motivated enough to get up and stop laughing at that rock that looks like a “bloob” we can arrest them for it! Also if you factor in their biological neural network chances are all you have to do is get one of them high and the whole race will be in a deodate kef worthy of Rip Torn.

3. False Empowerment

Alright so there is bound to be a handful dissenters, ones that realize that humans have all the power (and the crack). Sway them by offering them minor roles with a false sense of power, appoint them to intermediary positions, hell even let them hold their own elections (secretly rig these elections of course, unless the candidates are all spineless or moronic). Now humanity has a go to guy, thrust all blame/responsibility on him, see the wonderful transient nature of democracy is so that specific blame can be passed between parties with no consequence and will always eventually land on those democracy is supposed to benefit.

4. Introduce BET (Blue Entertainment Television) and other distracting unintelligible media.

With a sense of false empowerment now in place it’s time to introduce specified mindless entertainment. Use slogans like “for us by us” and capitalize on dumbed down degraded versions of culturally significant people and trends. Take music and ideas that once came out of deep thought and yearning and make them into something in a thong that pays for $3,000 gold collars for their starving Toruk’s (the flying dinosaurs). Next play exploitive mind numbingly idiotic programming ad nauseum , be sure to include blatantly ignorant sounding catch phrases and make intellectualism and self improvement appear unappealing. Once these things become popular utilize them to advertise a meaningless lifestyle of excess that the average Navi could never afford without going into debt or at the very least without sacrificing much more important and empowering things like land and most anything granting limited independence from the human machine. Then to captivate dissenting but still naïve subcommunities advertise secondary brands of these products as “rebellious” and “edgy”.

5. Raise the bar

Some of these will begin to get disillusioned with the current state of their culture and their lack of advancement in life. Simply give them a goal like say “college” and then add varying degrees. Each degree should be associated with a social status or wealth status and should be very expensive. Now every time a Navi completes jumping through one hoop tell them they need to jump through a higher hoop. This often keeps the more intelligent Navi busy and even conforms some to human thinking.

6. MTD’s (Merger Transmitted Diseases)

So by this point some of the Navi have probably figured out Earth’s oldest profession and I’m sure with all the grand glory that is the sex industry there is a niche of deviants dedicated to Navi porn. Horny human tourist will travel to Pandora and be able to pick up a giant blue hooker check out her sweet bloobs and maybe get a sloppy blue-job (especially Jim Norton).

Which is all fine, it’s free consensual natural sex we’re after. If we make natural free pleasures more dangerous and deadly then more time will be sought seeking artificial pleasures which cost money which requires they work for us! Simply develop a disease that is horrific and transmitted sexually then claim some sick Navi banged one of those horse things.

So at this point humanity has avoided an actual war and managed to decimate and enslave a whole new world but chances are conflicts will arise between humans and these bluens (a derogatory term for Navi’s). Luckily the Navi’s arms are terribly genetically inefficient creatures on their planet. Horse things that need 8 holes to breathe? A big jaguar thing that lets a pathetic new comer to the world escape alive when on the same scale a common house cat would have torn him apart? Bright orange predators that don’t blend in anywhere and can be heard wherever they go scaring away all potential prey? Even the Navi have to tether themselves to nearly everything they use making all these creatures weaknesses their own! It’s would be like a human making it so a human in a tank experiences pain every time the tank gets shot at!

In fact the only thing with more contempt for nature than humans is the humans who designed Avatar, between disregard for physics (Really floating mountains? The sort of magnetic field required for that most likely really screw up the animals around it and it is extremely unlikely something like that could remain stable) and ignorance of the fact that life’s only real common thread is that of will to survive and adaptation to better survive there are some very “Avatarded” concepts.

Eagerly awaiting bandwidth of some sweet bare “bloobs” - Dr. Intoxicated