What Does That Chronic Masturbating Monkey And That Guy Texting On His Blackberry Have In Common?

I work at a hippy restaurant. Yes I know you all expect a part time internet humor/comedy writer to be independently wealthy surrounded by swimming pools full of gold bouillon in my cavernous two bedroom apartment but I do actually work a day job where I'm surrounded by demanding yuppies and past due hippies. What does this have to do with hand held technology? I mean hippies are a bunch of tree climbing savages who use bark for toilet paper (if they use toilet paper at all) and flutes as telephones. Alright I'm exaggerating hippies nowadays are the same as everybody else except their shoes made by Chinese children have a tie dye pattern on them. Now back to the subject at hand, everyday we are required to do a process called "clearing" in which you stare into each other's eyes for 15 seconds and then answer the question of the day. Several days back it was a question about things other people do that piss you off (paraphrased from hippy mumbo jumbo talk) . A coworker of mine (not a hippy) was complaining about how people text while driving and "constantly need to be entertained by hand held devices".

At the risk of being redundant I'd like to repeat that last statement "People constantly need to be entertained by hand held devices". People.... I can recall a relative of people that also is also constantly entertained by a "hand held device". I am talking about the monkey, in fact I am specifically talking about the male monkey who can be found chronically masturbating on a daily basis. Yes way before the ipod, cellphone, or sham wow existed a hand held device that didn't cost you $400 and brought you a lifetime of enjoyment existed. This fine product? Your genitals.... A hand operated device that brings you temporary entertainment. If someone could patent the penis they're be the richest person to ever exist. Of course in our modern human society you can't just whip it out and have a go anytime you want. (Not unless you're very careful on the subway anyway). But you can whip out your iphone anywhere!

So are these devices a replacement or at the very least a substitute for chronic masturbation? Or will Steve Jobs finally drop that restraining order and listen to my ideas to create the "iBone" a combination iphone/fleshlight which is a hell of a good time when set on vibrate. As they say "Idle hands do the Devil's work", of course I wonder how any kind of work would get done with everyone constantly masturbating.

- Dr. Intoxicated

Patenting Breast Cancer Is The Most Generous Gift You Could Give!

As of late the new trend in patenting is not to patent a process or invention but in fact to patent genes. This all started with the suspiciously Luthor Corp like company Monsanto attempting to patent seeds they genetically tweaked (without testing their effect on the environment of course) so they could in fact patent the world's food supply and claim patent infringement on any farm that doesn't pay to use their demon seeds (going so far as to sue the world seed vault to destroy all natural occurring seeds). As the law states you can't patent nature, but if you tweak nature it's fair game.

So why then is Myriad Genetics attempting to patent the gene that causes breast cancer?

It's naturally occurring, they didn't create it (hopefully), and it's a product that almost no one would want to buy (since everyone who receives it for free can't wait to get rid of it).

The simple answer is that they want to charge research facilities money to search for a cure....

Let me rephrase and repeat that "Myriad Genetics wants to financially penalize people for attempting to cure cancer". That's right even cancer has it's supporters (actually the entire pharmaceutical industry along with much of the hmo's and for profit healthcare industry).

Besides the glaring fact that nobody should be able to patent a gene natural or otherwise this is a naturally occurring gene so anyone who has it can be sued by Myriad. Now conversely this means that Myriad has laid claim to breast cancer and is itself responsible for such a dangerous product.

That means that everyone who has or had breast cancer and the families of people who died of it should be able to sue Myriad for releasing such a dangerous product. In fact since it has killed so many people I would think criminal charges would come into play.

In fact this could mean a "full product recall of cancer" which means anyone who caught breast cancer could go to Myriad to return it and Myriad would in fact have to pay to cure them!

This could be an incredibly generous gift to the world that Myriad provides under a thick veil of greed, insensitivity to human suffering, and a purely evil intent. Yes let them patent it, let them be held liable for it too. We'll either see Myriad's ruin, Myriad cure everyone with breast cancer for free, or a world in which companies can no longer patent genes.

Someone should patent testicle cancer because I could really use a vacation in the south pacific.

- Dr. Intoxicated

The media doesn't care what I eat for lunch (because I'm not an elitist President)

I don't get a lunch because I'm chef. I make you lunch for a living. But if I did eat lunch would cnn, msnbc, fox, and a slew of other media outlets report it?

Probably not, unless it was several newborns in a scene of shocking cannibalism or I was President Obama. Yes that's right the media has sunk to reporting Obama's lunch. In fact an average of 20 minutes was spent discussing thouroughly his purchase of a hamburger and his selection of condiments. For the most part it was just a mediocre farce of journalism (unless they see this whole thing through and report on the resulting bowel movement, I smell Pulitzer or something just as foul). Of course Fox had a slightly different spin on the matter suggesting that Obama's request for mustard on his hamburger was "elitist" referencing grey poupon commercials (yes I am serious).

I wonder if Fox was ready with a defamatory response for every possible condiment Obama may have ordered?

For example:

Saurkraut: Facist Obama's stomach sympathizes with nazis

Ketchup: Obama's attempt to quench negro blood lust

Relish: Obama's desire to be constantly "pickled"

Imagine if he ordered a hot dog instead?

"Obama swallows sausage, is his homosexual behavior bringing satan back to earth?"

Well at least he didn't use Oprah's coupon to get some free KFC. The would be a Fox wet dream. America's first black president stuffing his face with KFC.... Anne Coulter just blew a testicle out thinking about it.

I just hope in the future Obama orders some deviled eggs or devil's food cake so America's religious zealots will all simultaneously die of aneurisms screaming "I knew he was the anti-christ!".

Oprah's Greatest Practical Joke!

Everyone man comes to a point in his life where he must ask himself "If I was Oprah how would I thank the people that made me rich and famous and still remain true to my black urban roots".

If you're Oprah the answer to that question is "Buy Everyone KFC". Yes that's right.
Today Oprah announced just that from her Oprah Compound in Oprahville in state that will soon be bought and renamed "Oprahoma". The execs over at Harpo and KFC must've had a great think tank on this one.

Let me take you though the thought process (as I imagine it)

Exec 1: We need a big giveaway to boost ratings

Exec 2: We don't want to alienate our "ethnic" viewers by making Oprah seem like she "lost her Roots" - like the movie "Roots" if you catch my drift.

Exec 1: We need a corporate sponsor that appeals to those who suffer from "excess melanin" that isn't a malt liquor or cigarette company...... They still like fried chicken right?

Exec 3: We can't giveaway pot yet right? How about crack... Is giving away crack in these communities passe or can we get away with it?

Exec 2: The CIA already did that promotion in 80's, we need something new.

Exec 1: I've got KFC on one line and the Army on the other, KFC says they'll give free chicken to everyone if you can ensure that the ethnic people who want it most will never be able to redeem the coupons.

Exec 3: What about the Army?

Exec 2: Free trip to Iraq and a college scholarship if you don't get killed... of course they're lying about the college thing. Let's go with KFC.

Exec 1: How can we make these coupons unaccessible to the "ethnics"?

Exec 3: Back in the 50's you could just put up a sign. I miss the 50's.

Exec 2: The internet. Black people don't know how to use the internet... Just post these "coupons" online and it'll like a wild goose chase to them. 40 acres and a mule all over again!

Watch out Oprah or you'll have a scene like this brewing!



Oprah's attempt at reparations has just turned into another "40 acres and mule"

Also I would like to mention that Oprah's supposedly "educated viewers" (middle class yentas) would:

1. Never be caught dead in a KFC

2. Never be caught dead using a coupon

Also my people (the white trash) also run into the same problems as the "ethnics" with Oprah's little joke.

To sum it up I'd like to quote Marie Antionette "Let them eat cake!" and wonder will Oprah's "let them eat chicken" be the moment that defines how out of touch with reality she is?


Update: The day after posting this the whole promotion blew up in Oprah's face, as I predicted, here's some audio from it.

What's Do It Yourself Anarchy Productions About?: A Revisionist History

This is comedy.

It all started years ago with blogging for my friends and pussy. It moved forward from that point to freelance writing for a slew of comedy sites eventually culminating in opening my own site Daily American.us (now defunct). The Daily American started as a place to put satirical articles I wrote that for some reason (racist, sexist, rape jokes, pro-sodomy agenda) never got picked up. It started out as a fake news site with a variety of columns from a "What If?" column showcasing what may have happened if overhyped media stories such as "killer bees" and "Y2K" actually lived up to the hype to a column showcasing racist antiques from the past. Realizing just how many news satire sites there were out there I decided to reinvent the site into the World's first Tabloid Satire site (it was even interactive and made to look exactly like the front page of a supermarket tabloid). Basically I spread blatant fake stories about celebrities from Miley Cyrus being the club footed product of incest to Norm Macdonald bravely rescuing 13 prostitutes from a burning building (while taking his money back). Unfortunately the site took time I didn't have and didn't produce any revenue (I may post whats left of the archives at a later date).

After bumming around writing screen/teleplays I realized I need a new outlet for my random comedy pieces so I'm starting up a blog with millions of other people.

Prepare to be dazzled with mediocrity!

P.S. I've written under the names of Dr. Intoxicated, Justintoxicated (the same one who does photoshops for Toucher and Rich), Doc Tox, Anonymously, Bob Namos, and Eugel Weiss (That I remember)

If you're interested in my writing or columns please drop me a line. If you want to post my stuff elsewhere please contact me first (most likely I'll give you an emphatic "yes" and wish to brag to my enemies, if not bjuy me a couple drinks and that yes will be sure to come out)




All material is the copyrighted property of Do It Yourself Anarchy Productions and it's creator/owner (excluding external links) and may not be reproduced or used without express permission. The material, views, and ideas expressed are meant as satire/parody and should not be taken as defamation. All rights reserved 2009.