I need a woman who likes me for me not my abject poverty

Nobody wants there potential life partner to be rich, if they did then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would have never ended up stuck together. Hell you can't say they didn't try to increase their poverty level by adopting kids from the poorest nations on Earth but it just wasn't enough.... There addiction to making big budget films had just simply gone too far and money was rolling in faster than they could pay someone to burn it. Yes they are a tragic tale of two rich people forced to be together like Romeo and Juliette because nobody could stand them or their money.

Let's face it women think guys who have no money are hot because women can't stand material things and basic necessities like food and shoes. Men are a bit different we're really just looking for the girl with flattest chest (some like girls so flat you can balance drinks on them like human tray tables, kind of sick if you ask me). In fact if you watch the Maury Povich show you will often note that the men with the most fake gold (especially in their mouth) are often accused of siring the most children. This clearly shows that women like men who boast the fact that they cannot afford real gold and in fact they are so proud they boast that they will not even pay child support. After all people in poverty have the most kids so lack of money has to be a huge turn on, right?

Let's face it when ladies see my tight ripped jeans ad my white wife beater they can't keep their hands off of me. When I explain that I don't own a car and take the train to work most women enter a sexually ravenous state in which they viciously attempt to date rape me. It's almost like the holes in my shoes are tunnels to your heart.

Sure it's fine that women see my lack of money and go wild now but what about long term? What if one day someone actually likes my writing or purchases a screenplay? I guess I'm shot out of luck then. Once I reach middle class the women will drop me for some savvy homeless meth head or a 35 five year old "Producer" who lives in his mom's basement while cutting tracks on his Compaq Presario. I know most writers don't get rich (especially if they're any good) but there is always that option that my writing sucks just enough to make me a living someday. I could always blow it all on used truck parts for the lawn I don't have but even that is a sign of wealth. I need to find a woman who doesn't care how poor a guy is, someone who likes me for me and other cliches. Thank god Eddy Murphy's movie "Coming To America" deals with this subject in depth unfortunately it's too late for Eddy though.

If I told you I was typing this at a public library computer would you have an orgasm?

I'm not but it was worth a try.

Next in my series on Love and Attraction "Why Are So Many Women Clammering For Anal Sex?"

Hey it's probably more accurate than Yahoo's dating tips section.

8 Things I Would Do Differently If I Were In The Movie "Mannequin"

So many of us have been unlucky enough to see 80's movie "Mannequin" recently I met that such fate. Despite the illogical and asinine plot I find the concept no so bad. In fact it's so bad and asinine that it's sure to get remade in the next couple years. Well as a champion of realism I've decided it's my duty to make few suggestions. So today I present you with the ever topical and relevant.


8 Things I Would Differently If I Was In The Movie "Mannequin"

1. If you had a desperate secret woman totally at your mercy would you dance around trying on hats with her?.... Of course I would!

Not really. Do I even have to say what I'd do to her? S-E-X. At the risk of getting plastic burn on my penis I would ride that thing (I would have to block out the fact that it's the broad from Sex In The City though, big turn off). I don't think I know a single guy that wouldn't do the same thing.

2. I would steal her limbs while she's a mannequin.

That's right just to be a jerk I would steal her leg or arm then wait for her to come back to life and be like "what the fuck!". Honestly wouldn't you be the least bit curious?

3. If I was a big business executive I wouldn't give a fuck what the window boy is doing.

With the main antagonist a big business man who is the boss of the protagonist a window boy there are several small logistical flaws with the antagonist's pursuit of the protagonist.

In other words.

Since when does high level management care about what the window boy is doing? Well at least not enough to personally watch his every move in attempt to catch him doing... something? I wouldn't have the bumbling security guard spy on the window boy nor I want reports on what the stock boy is doing. I would do what every compassionate businessman would do... I'd fire his ass. Problem solved.

4. I would fire the window boy for wearing the merchandise instead of doing his job.

So the major plot in the movie revolves around the cat and mouse chase between Andrew McCarthy and James Spader. Spader is the store's vice president and he's trying catch McCarthy doing something sketchy and McCarthy is trying to keep his uhh. "love affair" secret. McCarthy is a window dresser, he's paid to dress mannequins and place them in the window not try on the merchandise and spread whatever dirty STD he has to merchandise you might eventually buy. And yes he probably has at least one STD after all he fucks mannequins... or tries to at least.

5. Check for vagina.

Alright before I'd do anything at all, even before finding out the mannequin could come to life I would check for a vagina. Come on like you wouldn't? If there was no vagina I'd outfit her with a rubber one from the adult section and hope for the best.

6. Do some blow with Hollywood.

They never quiet admit Hollywood is on coke but it's pretty easy to put the pieces together. Hollywood is affluent, flamboyant, dressed like Ray Charles on LSD, very excitable, and it's the 80's. Of course Hollywood does blow and honestly the stuff he gets must be amazing stuff.

7. Give her breast implants.

Kim Catrell isn't exactly stacked but she could be. I run over to the hardware department and grab some plastic putty and fill a D cup with it. After slapping that bad boy on her I'd snap my fingers and pray for boobs. Hell if that works I'd probably even make her a second set on her back.

8. Write A letter to penthouse

Instead of writing what I would do which would include the phrase "wheelbarrow style amputee sex" many, many times I decided to write a Penthouse letter of what actually happens in the movie Mannequin.

Dear Penthouse,

I started this job working in a department store recently. One night I was working alone overnight and discovered that one of the mannequins comes to life as beautiful young girl. She said she would do anything and I mean anything if I kept her secret. She was totally at my sexual mercy. So we danced around and tried on hats. The end.


Just for posterity I did a write up of what it would say on the back of video if Mannequin was made my way.

Jonathan Switcher is a deadbeat who calls the plastic life size women he makes "art". After the real world crushed this fucked up pervert's sick dreams he decides to sell his favorite woman to a department store as a mannequin where he gets a job setting up window displays. One night after doing some really great blow with his flaming colorblind coworker Hollywood his favorite mannequin comes to life as a real woman. During the next few days he modifies the mannequin woman in several ways including breast implants, back boobs, and even removing her legs for hot wheelbarrow style amputee sex. One day the evil vice president of the store suspects Switcher of something strange.. So he fires Switcher's ass sight unseen later discovering security camera footage of Switcher trying on merchandise and sexually defiling the mannequins.

Legalize It!..... Stabbing That Is.

With the legalization of marijuana on the stoned minds of the nation (when they aren't caught up in the plot of a Scooby Doo episode they're watching) and Portugal's wildly successful legalization of all drugs five years ago it looks like it's time to start looking for something new to legalize.

As a humble and deviant thinker I have taken this task upon myself. Now I live in a state in which everything fun is illegal and considered to be one these least free states in the nation so it's hard to think of a cause that has mass appeal (as opposed to local appeal, like legalizing fireworks and no longer forcing people to pay ludicrously high car insurance rates, Geico won't even touch this state).

But what? Gay marriage...... I consider this a non-issue, legalizing it nationwide would help the economy and be the just plain sensible thing to do but someone already started that campaign. Post-Birth abortion? ..... I don't think we're quite ready to face that one head on.

We need something dangerous (because everything fun and cool is dangerous) but also not necessarily fatal. Something the likes of Darwin or satirist Jonathan Swift would be proud of...... I've got it!... Stabbing!

That's right legalize stabbing people. Stabbing isn't always fatal but still pretty dangerous.... and cool! Alright it's time to list off some fun facts (and I loosely use the word "facts" but no more loosely than someone who would quote the Bible as "fact")

Stabbing Fun Fact #1: Most People Who Get Stabbed Deserve It!

Though there has been no official scientific study on the matter in many cases of stabbing the victim did something to piss off the stabber. Of course data is rather tough to acquire because some pansies find it inappropriate to ask stabbing victims in the ER "did you do anything to deserve the stabbing you received today?" along with proof of health insurance. Look at it this way, if someone wants to hurt you so bad they're willing to stab you, you probably did something really bad to them and chances are you deserve it.

Stabbing Fun Fact #2: Stabbing Isn't Always Fatal!

How often do hear about a stabbing on the news? If you live in my neighborhood pretty much weekly. Does everyone die from being stabbed? No! In most cases it takes being stabbed many times to get hit fatally (unless you're dealing with a professional and experienced stabber).

Stabbing Fun Fact #3: Legalizing Stabbing Will Help The Economy!

Between the costs of knives, medical attention and the emerging industry of "stab proof clothing" stabbing is a cash cow industry. Also the occasional "accidental" stabbing death will create some cash for the funeral industry! (Legal Disclaimer: Stabbing is in no way meant to harm, maim, or kill if done responsibly by a trained stabbing professional)

Stabbing Fun Fact #4: It's A Feel Good Fun Time!

Nothing is more relaxing than a long stabbing on the beach, with no mention of sex or drugs it can also be a wholesome family friendly activity too! It's also a great way to blow off some steam!

Stabbing Fun Fact #5: Stabbing Is A Victimless Crime!

Most people who claim to be "Stabbing Victims" are really just career victims who are simply blaming being stabbed for their shortcomings in the not being stabbed area of their lives. Chances are they instigated being stabbed by being a difficult customer or chronically falling on knives like celebrities they see on television.

Okay now we need a stabbing related holiday..... Anyone know when O.J. Simpson's birthday is?

Stab, Stab, Stabb'n At Heaven's Door - Dr. Intoxicated