So many of us have been unlucky enough to see 80's movie "Mannequin" recently I met that such fate. Despite the illogical and asinine plot I find the concept no so bad. In fact it's so bad and asinine that it's sure to get remade in the next couple years. Well as a champion of realism I've decided it's my duty to make few suggestions. So today I present you with the ever topical and relevant.
8 Things I Would Differently If I Was In The Movie "Mannequin"
1. If you had a desperate secret woman totally at your mercy would you dance around trying on hats with her?.... Of course I would!
Not really. Do I even have to say what I'd do to her? S-E-X. At the risk of getting plastic burn on my penis I would ride that thing (I would have to block out the fact that it's the broad from Sex In The City though, big turn off). I don't think I know a single guy that wouldn't do the same thing.
2. I would steal her limbs while she's a mannequin.
That's right just to be a jerk I would steal her leg or arm then wait for her to come back to life and be like "what the fuck!". Honestly wouldn't you be the least bit curious?
3. If I was a big business executive I wouldn't give a fuck what the window boy is doing.
With the main antagonist a big business man who is the boss of the protagonist a window boy there are several small logistical flaws with the antagonist's pursuit of the protagonist.
In other words.
Since when does high level management care about what the window boy is doing? Well at least not enough to personally watch his every move in attempt to catch him doing... something? I wouldn't have the bumbling security guard spy on the window boy nor I want reports on what the stock boy is doing. I would do what every compassionate businessman would do... I'd fire his ass. Problem solved.
4. I would fire the window boy for wearing the merchandise instead of doing his job.
So the major plot in the movie revolves around the cat and mouse chase between Andrew McCarthy and James Spader. Spader is the store's vice president and he's trying catch McCarthy doing something sketchy and McCarthy is trying to keep his uhh. "love affair" secret. McCarthy is a window dresser, he's paid to dress mannequins and place them in the window not try on the merchandise and spread whatever dirty STD he has to merchandise you might eventually buy. And yes he probably has at least one STD after all he fucks mannequins... or tries to at least.
5. Check for vagina.
Alright before I'd do anything at all, even before finding out the mannequin could come to life I would check for a vagina. Come on like you wouldn't? If there was no vagina I'd outfit her with a rubber one from the adult section and hope for the best.
6. Do some blow with Hollywood.
They never quiet admit Hollywood is on coke but it's pretty easy to put the pieces together. Hollywood is affluent, flamboyant, dressed like Ray Charles on LSD, very excitable, and it's the 80's. Of course Hollywood does blow and honestly the stuff he gets must be amazing stuff.
7. Give her breast implants.
Kim Catrell isn't exactly stacked but she could be. I run over to the hardware department and grab some plastic putty and fill a D cup with it. After slapping that bad boy on her I'd snap my fingers and pray for boobs. Hell if that works I'd probably even make her a second set on her back.
8. Write A letter to penthouse
Instead of writing what I would do which would include the phrase "wheelbarrow style amputee sex" many, many times I decided to write a Penthouse letter of what actually happens in the movie Mannequin.
Dear Penthouse,
I started this job working in a department store recently. One night I was working alone overnight and discovered that one of the mannequins comes to life as beautiful young girl. She said she would do anything and I mean anything if I kept her secret. She was totally at my sexual mercy. So we danced around and tried on hats. The end.
Just for posterity I did a write up of what it would say on the back of video if Mannequin was made my way.
Jonathan Switcher is a deadbeat who calls the plastic life size women he makes "art". After the real world crushed this fucked up pervert's sick dreams he decides to sell his favorite woman to a department store as a mannequin where he gets a job setting up window displays. One night after doing some really great blow with his flaming colorblind coworker Hollywood his favorite mannequin comes to life as a real woman. During the next few days he modifies the mannequin woman in several ways including breast implants, back boobs, and even removing her legs for hot wheelbarrow style amputee sex. One day the evil vice president of the store suspects Switcher of something strange.. So he fires Switcher's ass sight unseen later discovering security camera footage of Switcher trying on merchandise and sexually defiling the mannequins.
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