Questions A Fox News Viewer Has For President Obama After The State Of The Union Address

With all the choices of stations to watch the state of the union address on one was noticeably absent. The spin zone, America's most popular news station. Though I'm sure the address was just ploy to brainwash you into growing a Hitler mustache and having gay sex I'm sure there are a few things real Americans want to know. I have compiled a list and if the President does not respond to my tiny insignificant blog that he will probably never see it is clearly a conspiracy. Guilty until proven innocent just like the bill of rights says. (President Obama, if you do answer these questions don't use none of your fancy magic queer speak with the big words like that Dennis Miller fruit please.)

Do you know your skin a different color than mine?

How do you intend to un-darkity your skin like that there Micheal Jackson done did?

Now are you going to make our babies gay before you grill and cannonbalize them?

As a gay homo crossdressing Commie/Nazi do you wear mostly red dresses like the commies or olive drab like the Nazis?

When you come to turn me gay will you be a gentle lover?

When you’re socialize my house with your evil socialism can I live in the part with the toilet?

Will you have the gun manufacturers make color coated guns so the gay soldiers don’t clash?

House many human skins will you need for the new drapes in your evil office?

If I put the lotion in the basket will I get the hose again? I need a new hose.

I ain’t a racist but could you maybe lynch yourself, maybe feel free to say some racist stuff, Brett Favre is play’n tonight and I got my welfare check on the game.

How many light beers equal a regular one? I want to know before you ban all but sissy light and ultra-light beer.

When you close all the banks will that mean the sperm banks too? That’s how I make my beer money.

Since you are the antichrist and to be antichrist you have to believe in Christ does that make you a Christian?

Why do you hate America and want to kill god?

Is “science spending” some commie nazi liberal words for “pay’n monkeys to evolve so they can take over earth and bury the statue of liberty”?

How many times a week do you and Hitler ride over the graves in Arlington National cemetery on a seatless tandem bicycle?

Is it true that your army of obamatron robots can be repelled by a $700 anti-obamatron spray sold only on Pat Robertson’s hotline?

Why did you shoot Abe Lincoln? Was it because he put you people out of work… I kind of understand that.

When you eliminate all the jobs in America and enslave us all by enforcing your fancy bill o’rights …. Well what will us slaves have to do… like after the jobs are all gone?

Tell Jew Biden to stop murdering my Jesus!

How many fully erect penises will be featured on your new communist American flag? I say 13.

How long do I have before you use your un-American first amendment to ban Juggs magazine, and when will the last issue come out?

How will we nuke the whales with your fancy green energy?

When you ban white people and throw us in camps will you start with the pale ones like the Irish? Also I enjoy T-ball can my death camp have T-ball?

With all due respect America wants know you, evil gay robot nazi Mr. President!

I Present You With The Most Powerful Media Company In The World!

If I was to ask most people who the most powerful newspaper is chances are I’d get answers like “The New York Times”, “The Wall Street Journal”, or “Whoever has the most Jews working for them”. Seemingly normal and novel answers to my question… Which is why it is clearly a conspiracy!

If you have television or access to a cable ready kinetiscope you’ll notice within the last year that there has been an exponential increase in pseudoscience programming. History, Discovery, Animal Planet, TLC (which used to mainly deal with the freakishly and hilariously obese and flipper babies), Scifi, and various other stations have jammed their lineups full of shows about Ghosts, UFO’s, Conspiracy Theories, Monster Hunting, Psychic babies, the existence of angels, programs featuring culinary throwback Guy Fieri, and Fox News theories about President Obama.

It seems like once legitimate stations (with the exception of Fox News, who were never legitimate.) have been taken over, not by aliens but by…. You guessed it, The Weekly World News!
My conspiracy goes like this (note: By using the word “conspiracy” it informs people that my half assed crazy rant is legitimate journalism worth reading.) The Weekly World News known to most people as “the crazy black and white tabloid with Aliens shaking hands with presidents” mysteriously disappeared from supermarkets in the year 2007. They claim it was because they weren’t making money any more but how could a company that knows a real life King Midas, A goose who actually lays golden eggs, and a potion made from honey and cayenne pepper that can change anything into a diamond and grant everlasting youth have problems with money? Exactly.. Something fishy is going on here and it isn’t fish girl’s vagina.
Honestly don’t you think an organization with enough clout to get exclusive photos of meetings between aliens and the President or exclusive interviews with an incognito Elvis has enough clout and blackmail to get a billion dollar bailout? I mean a bunch of bankers got billions of tax dollars for claiming the economy would collapse if their handful of people didn’t get bonuses and they didn’t even have pictures of Nancy Pelosi golfing with batboy!

The Weekly World News decided to secretly go underground and take control of American media. Sick of naïve programs that promoted discovery and technology without mentioning that aliens are responsible for everything from ipods to the common toilet brush they decided to cut those programs to focus more on the real scientists and adventurers, aliens. Next came these so called “history” programs, they were over thought and unnecessary. Visiting historic sites, investigating historic texts? All unnecessary when you can simply just hunt down ghosts and ask them about the past! Unfortunately ghosts are mysterious assholes who like to fuck with people appearing as common occurrences that are easily explained logically like “wind chill” and “using crappy electricians”. Noticing that Animal Planet had been completely ignoring speculative cryptozoology to focus on “real animals” they decided it was time to search for bigfoot instead focusing on real animals and their really cool evolutionary adaptations. With all of these major knowledge groups out of the way they decided to bring in the heavy guns to cover the rest… I’m talking about psychic kids. Hell they’re psychic they already know everything. Yes everything, just very vaguely. It’s like asking a Republican about specific policies.
Yes America the Weekly World News is alive and well (they should be they have a miracle potion made out of cayenne pepper and honey) and controlling the media. Watch your ass Wolfe Blitzer soon you’ll be replaced with Werewolf Blitzer and Tom Brokaw’s ass will be replaced with the ghost of Edward R. Murrow. Major League Baseball, watch out! We know about the angels in the outfield helping you rig games…

I’d like to wish Elvis a happy belated 75th birthday and I hope that batboy comic strip creator Pete Bagge finally has enough clout to get the animated version of “Hate!” on tv.

-Dr. Intoxicated