Theme Park Haiti!

Right now efforts to send aid to the people of Haiti are in full effect. Aid that could have been used long before mother Earth found out she had a big booty and decided to shake it all over their little Caribbean island (She heard on BET that black men liked the big booty, unfortunately hers was just too big for even a million black men). After engrossing myself in the horrific footage and hearing of all the major aid efforts I thought “great, hopefully Haiti will end up in a better position than before” then I thought “wait, whenever America helps a poor country it’s usually because they have some resource we can steal from them.” I decided to take a look at the economy of Haiti and their geographic and mineral wealth. It goes as follows 80% of Haitians are below the poverty line and it’s not because they’re a limbo enthusiast nation like Jamaica, 66% of Haitians do sustenance farming, leaving an economy of mostly service and industrial workers. Haiti makes around 11 billion a year which less than Bill Gates spends on anime porn. Roughly 2/3 of the population does not have formal jobs and their biggest export which makes up 52% of all exports is cheap sweatshop clothing. So it’s accurate to refer to Haiti as “The novelty T-shirt producing nation of the Caribbean”. Hell I bet half the shitty “Jamaican me crazy” shirts are made in Haiti.

As far as minerals and resources go they have very limited amounts of gold, probably less gold than is in 50 Cent’s Hello Kitty fanny pack. Also they have bauxite, a fairly common type of aluminum ore which is the equivalent of mining for aluminum cans in the trash can of a shopping mall but probably less profitable (for the Haitians). Also Haiti is known as the poorest and most violent country in the Caribbean, unfortunately unlike America, Haiti just hasn’t figured out how make money by exporting violence effectively. So with no real resources to plunder from Haiti except maybe an “America Gave Aid To Haiti And All We Got Were These Lousy T-Shirts” shirt chances are America’s interest and aid will dry up quicker than a WASP’s vagina when you tell her your Rolex is a fake.

Now let’s get serious for a moment why is it after we give aid to poor countries they are still poor? Is it because of third world debt repayment… Well a bit. But mostly because our aid is short sighted it does not go to establishing sustainable economies. A sustainable economy is what we need in Haiti. Of course how do you develop a sustainable economy in an area with practically no resources, tons of crime, and an assload of novelty t-shirts?.....

Sounds kind of like a Florida. You know what Florida did? They built a shit load of cheesy theme parks. You know another place that had absolutely nothing but crime and flat land? Las Vegas. It was a worthless desert 100 years ago, the Jews didn’t even want to wander around in it.

Most Caribbean nations have some type of legalized gambling and some cities have full casino gambling so why not have Haiti go full out. It’s not like gambling will attract crime, I mean you could either be poor with crime or be less poor with crime. Haiti has beaches, sun, lax legal standards, and cheap labor I can see a variety of people and companies that would be more than interested in doing business there.

Though I’m not suggesting anything I had few ideas for attractions/theme parks in Haiti.

McDonald Land: All your lovable McDonald’s characters and food provided by the dirt cheap labor McDonald’s is known for, if that fails it can be sold to Michael McDonald re-themed and treated like a yacht rock version of Gitmo.

Astleywood: Very similar to Dollywood but themed after Rick Astley, if that doesn’t work we can simply cover the sign with something that says “Hot Nude Girls” or “Super Fun World” then right after they pay the admission they enter to hear “Never Gonna Give You Up” blasting. No Refunds.

Fox News’ Perfect America: A theme park based on all the ass backwards ideals proposed on Fox News. Whites only (except the native Haitian workers), No women, no gays, no booze, tons of guns, Christianity! No medical treatment, common roads, electricity, running water, all resources privately owned with no regulation, no labor laws, and no laws protecting you or your rights…. Actually it sounds a bit like how Haiti already is.

Something derived from a Japanese game show: Panty machines on every corner! Get randomly electrocuted! Have people shout things in unison at you! Japan Rules.

Mis-Appropriated Aid Funds Land: Regardless of what goes on this theme is sure to come up in the next few weeks, every time there is an ill in the world or a cause some unscrupulous group decides to take advantage of your kindness with an ersatz charity/tax dodge. Usually it’s Pat Robertson but this time the big gun has bowed out and let some of the young bucks take the big bucks. If you wish to avoid donating to this theme park go to Direct Relief I heard about them on Reddit.

I’m sure you guys have plenty of Haitian Theme Park/Casino ideas/Etcetera. Don’t be afraid to comment I’m a lonely creepy man and I’m aroused sexually by your hatemail.