Remember those posters you'd see in school as a kid? The posters with famous historical figures on them and usually some sort of inspirational quote to help get you through your mom and dad's divorce and your step dad's drunken beatings and the episodes of Saturday Night Live after the great Norm Macdonald got fired for being too funny? They were pretty sweet, unfortunately the kids today are Re-BET-tarded and can't understand phrases like "All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.". There is no doubt that posters and people on them are worthy of the status of wall decoration so I had to "sample" quotes from people/characters of similar names jut to keep them "crunk". See if you can guess who I'm really quoting.
The reason most people remember indy movies is because many of them have great soundtracks, no matter how awful the actual movie is (I.E. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, even Kate Dennings supple chested pederast appeal couldn’t help this hipster quagmire despite Michael Cera’s stunning performance as a Woody Allen blow up doll with a slow leak)
1.The Underrated Older Mass Appeal Song - This is your most important song, your hook. You need a popular song from an old school band that still has indy cred, The Cure, The Smiths, The Pixies, Echo and The Bunny Men, New Order, Joy Division. This is essential as it’s what convinces people to listen to your soundtrack and probably watch your bad movie. It’s important the song is melancholy so people know your movie is” deep” and that if people don’t like it they just don’t “get” it.
2.The Fringe Popular Songs - Get a couple popular bands that haven’t really broken into the mainstream so they still seem cool to everyone but the most ironic of hipsters (who still love them secretly and not ironically). Wilco, Morningwood, and The Strokes are all good examples. You have to show the audience that “yeah we get you, we think you’re cool, and we’re cool to let’s be cool together and sit in a coffee shop sipping lattes pretending to be important on our laptops. Maybe we’ll grow soul patches and hit the urban outfitters later.” These are the non-threatening bands that are just catchy and obscure enough to get people to buy the album.
3.The Cover Song Done By Someone You’ve Never Heard Of - Now you need a cover song done by a relatively unknown artist. This will seal the deal. Take an older hit song and get a band to cover it. If it’s a fast song make it slow and acoustic, if it’s a slow song make it fast and electric. Take a Doris Day song and have a suicidal junky sing it, maybe do an electro-pop version of Frank Sinatra’s “What A Wonderful World”.The only real rule here is do not make sad songs happy and no hardcore, thrash, metal etc.. Also avoid long obnoxious techno and anything that can be associated with non-white people. You don’t want to scare them off.
4.Foreign Language Song - Either take a previously popular song and have someone perform it in either French, Italian, or Spanish or use a song that’s already in one of those languages. As long as it’s slow and acoustic no one will mind. The importance of this song is to appeal to people who want to pretend they are worldly and culturally educated and sensitive. The illusion that this film has made you and expert on foreign affairs because you’ve heard the Spanish version of “Our Lips Are Sealed”.
5.A Background Score Track - Package some background music in from whomever did your movie score. It’s filler but you can also use it to fleece the composer by promising them a percentage of the soundtrack sales instead of paying them outright.
6.Movie Dialogue Tracks - Two tracks with movie dialogue so they don’t forget it’s from your movie. After listening to the soundtrack enough people will forget how bad the movie was and go see it again either by renting or purchasing the DVD.
7.Some Shitty Song By Someone Related To The Movie – I could a song by the Production Assistant’s band or the Director’s half retarded nephew, the key is that it’s cheap, pleases someone at the study, and has never been heard outside a pot smoke filled basement full of the deadbeats producing it. This will show the hipsters you’re one of them, one of them worthless assholes who will still be a clerk at the record store 20 years from now.
8.The Sad Moral Struggle Song – I know its redundant mentioning this song as it’s usually covered by half the album already. A token depressing song that is almost always a sad “why did I screw up” love song.There is usually 3 or 4 of these on the soundtrack already in some form or another.
9. The Token “Let’s Have Fun/Party/Everything Will Be Alright” Song – This song is the upbeat one that says “hey a bunch of stuff happened but it’s all cool now so let’s all party”.So they spend all movie making you sad and confused but it’s all cool, no hard feelings, everything turned out pointless let’s party! After all you’ve become close to the characters, you care what happens to them now no matter how un-hip and un-cool it is to care about things that weren’t from childhood cartoons.
10. The Bonus Track – This can be any piece of crap you find, as long as it’s either goofy or sung by cast members, most likely both. It could be sassy and campy to highlight a totally unnecessary involving ancillary homosexual characters who were forced into the plot for diversity reasons in which they dance and sing into hairbrushes (as it is a common fact that all gay men dance and sing into hairbrushes, it’s just nature at work). Either way it’s going to be awful and not worth listening to unless it’s by either Wesley Willis or Daniel Johnston.
Now that my indy movie soundtrack is complete it’s time to go find retro things and ironically make them popular with hipsters again. Hey hipsters, aids was really popular during the 80’s maybe you should all get aids ironically! Come on it’ll make you even more pale and thin and unhealthy than going vegan and you can look like heroin addicts with none of the fun and incite that comes with doing heroin! Hooray for aids!
So the all mighty dollar is looking about as mighty as an MTV rapper without his security team. The U.S. dollar’s value has been on a steady decline for years much like Ben Stein’s career (which was never anything more than mediocre). Sure years of bad choices are turning the U.S. dollar into the Courtney Love of currency, once proud and admirable but now battered and whorish. So what do we do? Well we could doing something rash like close taxes loopholes for corporations, regulate the banks, stop devaluing the dollar by overproducing it, and require an import tax on non-perishable products to encourage/penalize companies into producing their products in the U.S. strengthening our overall economy or we could just let it collapse and find a new currency…. So America needs a new currency!
If you watch a lot of day time television (and you do you jobless bum) the obvious choice would be gold, after all Cash 4 Gold’s free pamphlet and persuasive arguments by mediocre “celebrities” we thought were dead would suggest that the shiny commodity of the past is our future. Our course gold is heavy and not easily stored in fact only Long Island Italians would whole heartedly embrace the gold standard. Also gold is around forever so it can’t be easily destroyed or recalled to control its value and there is no real way of keeping track of it. No we need something of value we can control production of and devalue at will.
In prison and in prison movies there are two major sources of currency cigarettes and ass. Ass is a commodity that quickly becomes devalued if you don’t watch it and would make simple transactions on the outside such as purchasing a 7/11 taquito much more costly and difficult “okay, so you can either fuck me in the ass for 4 seconds now or wait until I’ve accrued 6 taquitos, a slurpee, and 4 copies of Juggs magazine for a full 3 minutes” (of course that 4 seconds would have to be split between regional, corporate, the suppliers, producers, employees well you catch my drift. Also it would really suck to be boss come pay day for the employees). So at the risk of becoming unpopular I will go out on a limb and say that ass sex probably won’t work to well as a standalone currency, sorry Spencer Pratt I know how eager you were to get rich again (his ass is already probably looser than Eddie Murphy’s definition of the word “woman”). Also women would be born with twice the currency flipping the status quo and men would be trapped under the “ass ceiling”.
Now ass might not work but I still think prisons are a good place to look, after all 1 out of every 100 Americans is in prison/jail currently and with unemployment on the rise along with crime it’s a growing industry. In fact if we did use a prison based currency it would transition from jailed life and invisibly jailed life much easier for Americans. So let’s examine the other popular currency used in prisons, cigarettes.
Cigarettes are paper much like our current currency and they’re light weight. They’re also easily destroyed and can be smoked so it would be easy to correct market issues making them nearly impossible to effectively devalue for more than a couple months. Also in comparisons to other currencies on the world scale cigarettes are valuable just about everywhere. In Europe especially France they love cigarettes so the cigarette would hold up very well and may even surpass the Euro in value (it pretty much has in Eastern Europe already). In Russia and China you can already use cigarettes as currency so the cigarette will remain strong in China’s expanding economy (India loves tobacco too, but they have better stuff than us).
So switching our currency to cigarettes works well on a global scale but what about domestically? Well the healthcare industry in its current state is huge business and cancer is a leading driving force in this business and with smoking cigarettes being a major cause of cancer you have created a self sustaining economic cycle. The only way you can escape this glorious display of capitalism would be to die… Actually not even death would allow you to escape capitalism as the rise in deaths would stimulate mortuary industry!
So America stimulate the economy with stimulants and look cool doing it! You've got currency to burn!
With all the choices of stations to watch the state of the union address on one was noticeably absent. The spin zone, America's most popular news station. Though I'm sure the address was just ploy to brainwash you into growing a Hitler mustache and having gay sex I'm sure there are a few things real Americans want to know. I have compiled a list and if the President does not respond to my tiny insignificant blog that he will probably never see it is clearly a conspiracy. Guilty until proven innocent just like the bill of rights says. (President Obama, if you do answer these questions don't use none of your fancy magic queer speak with the big words like that Dennis Miller fruit please.)
Do you know your skin a different color than mine?
How do you intend to un-darkity your skin like that there Micheal Jackson done did?
Now are you going to make our babies gay before you grill and cannonbalize them?
As a gay homo crossdressing Commie/Nazi do you wear mostly red dresses like the commies or olive drab like the Nazis?
When you come to turn me gay will you be a gentle lover?
When you’re socialize my house with your evil socialism can I live in the part with the toilet?
Will you have the gun manufacturers make color coated guns so the gay soldiers don’t clash?
House many human skins will you need for the new drapes in your evil office?
If I put the lotion in the basket will I get the hose again? I need a new hose.
I ain’t a racist but could you maybe lynch yourself, maybe feel free to say some racist stuff, Brett Favre is play’n tonight and I got my welfare check on the game.
How many light beers equal a regular one? I want to know before you ban all but sissy light and ultra-light beer.
When you close all the banks will that mean the sperm banks too? That’s how I make my beer money.
Since you are the antichrist and to be antichrist you have to believe in Christ does that make you a Christian?
Why do you hate America and want to kill god?
Is “science spending” some commie nazi liberal words for “pay’n monkeys to evolve so they can take over earth and bury the statue of liberty”?
How many times a week do you and Hitler ride over the graves in Arlington National cemetery on a seatless tandem bicycle?
Is it true that your army of obamatron robots can be repelled by a $700 anti-obamatron spray sold only on Pat Robertson’s hotline?
Why did you shoot Abe Lincoln? Was it because he put you people out of work… I kind of understand that.
When you eliminate all the jobs in America and enslave us all by enforcing your fancy bill o’rights …. Well what will us slaves have to do… like after the jobs are all gone?
Tell Jew Biden to stop murdering my Jesus!
How many fully erect penises will be featured on your new communist American flag? I say 13.
How long do I have before you use your un-American first amendment to ban Juggs magazine, and when will the last issue come out?
How will we nuke the whales with your fancy green energy?
When you ban white people and throw us in camps will you start with the pale ones like the Irish? Also I enjoy T-ball can my death camp have T-ball?
With all due respect America wants know you, evil gay robot nazi Mr. President!
Martin Luther King Jr. undeniably a great and eloquent man.A man who spoke for change in America and the world for the better, which is fairly unusual (instead of speaking for a change in long distance carriers or diet soft drinks). A man who truly is deserving of a national holiday. Unfortunately Dr. King’s holiday and all streets containing his name have become associated with one thing… Pride… No just joking I’m talking about looting.Though I am not familiar with all of Dr. King’s speeches and texts and I could be wrong here I do not recall him mentioning that he enjoyed looting. Maybe in a lost page of Dr. King’s last will and testament he explained “Yo, if whitey caps my ass I want a holiday and on that holiday to celebrate unity and peace and reasoning I want motherfuckers go out and loot as much shit as they can, oh and get high as fuck when you’re doing that.. Peace.”. Listen I’m not here judge how you like to celebrate the life of Dr. King, whether it be by listening to his speeches, holding a fundraising event, sitting on your ass playing xbox, or looting $400 Nike MLK edition high top sneakers it’s your choice.
Though many people celebrate by doing the former I would like to address those who celebrate by doing the latter. I’m talking looters. Listen I’m not here to pass judgment on you and be like “you’re giving Dr. King a bad name”. No I realize if you’re going to loot you’re going to loot. I just ask that this year you take ¾ of a second to think about the environment. I often see looters on tv racing down the street with big flat screen tv’s and think “do they know that model uses as much energy as a large refrigerator?”.I mean sure you just looted a 42 inch plasma screen but in the long run you’ll end up paying for it in electric bills! Instead I’d like to suggest looting LCD TV’s instead they use less electricity than their plasma counterparts and the display is just as good. Also in the realm of electronics and appliances let’s look at some of the big ticket items. I know in past if a looter wanted to take a refrigerator or dishwasher they’d flip through their trusty copy of consumer reports and compare models to find the ones that were the most energy efficient. Some of the younger looters however don’t know the value of a dollar and can’t be bothered to do their research and end up just grabbing the shiniest models. Well society has accounted for your laziness an inability to think ahead by placing Energy Star stickers on appliances that use minimal energy. So next time you go to hoist a new refrigerator into the back of a pickup truck you backed through the display window take a second to look for that Energy Star sticker after all it’s a lot of work stealing a refrigerator so you might as well steal a good one.
Motorized vehicle theft is big on looting holidays now most of you are looking for the escalades or the hummers simply because you see them in videos and on tv. A hummer is fool’s gold I say (and not that awful, awful movie with Matthew Macconaughey ) hummer’s are a big gas guzzling slow moving vehicle. What’s the point of stealing a car that costs $100 to fill the gas tank up? I mean you’d have to steal gas like 4-5 times a week, that’s simply inefficient. Also who needs a car that will run out of gas during a high speed police chase? Instead consider stealing a hybrid, Honda has a great line of hybrid vehicles from sedans to suv’s also because of the stereotypes associated with black people driving Escalades the racist police are sure to pull you over. However a black guy driving a Prius on the other hand… will still probably get pulled over by the police. Also hybrid cars get more miles to the gallon so if you get in a high speed chase chances are the cops will run out of gas before you!
Now I know this is a big step but if you are looting forms of transportation maybe you should consider looting yourself a bicycle. I know it may not be the coolest vehicle and people will probably shout words like “homo” at you and that “chickenheaded gold digg’n hoes won’t give you no time on no bicycle” but there are some good reasons to loot a bicycle this Martin Luther King day. I’m not saying you should loot a bicycle instead of a new car, I’m saying you should loot a bicycle in addition to a new car. In fact you should steal a new that has a bike rack on it. Bicycles are great transportation, they don’t require gas or insurance (not that you’d get insurance anyway, you can’t really steal insurance) and is great exercise. Bikes provide quick transportation and good exercise especially when trying to make quick escapes in crowded areas. Sure drive by’s will be tricky at first but in time you’ll get better and you can proudly ride your bike along making victims out of innocent bystanders knowing that one person will not be your victim today.. That person? Mother Nature!
With the apprehension of earning the praise of asinine organizations like PETA and Greenpeace I have to say that I actually agree that we should stop whaling. Whaling is cruel, barely necessary, culturally significant to cultures that aren’t American, slightly amusing, and a bunch of other things I like but it’s really not worth it. Whales are big clunky animals who mean us no harm in fact they even had a cameo role in Star Trek 4. No, whales are jolly and sometimes pretty cool, I mean narwhals are like the unicorns of the sea (except not jerks like real unicorns) and sperm whales are amazing they can control the thickness of the oil stored in their bodies like central oil heating (also between sperm whales and seamen I have no shortage of nautical sexual innuendos.). Whales aren’t worth hunting… Not when dolphins are still plaguing our oceans with their incessant squealing inspiring Avril Lavigne to continue her singing career.
I know some of you are thinking “but whales are huge they could crush us with their tails! They’re like a less annoying version Rosie O’Donnel”. Don’t worry I’ve thought it out and have compiled a list of reasons to stop whaling and start dolphining.
1.Whales are huge and have trouble maneuvering in small spaces. Dolphins on the other hand are small and agile, they can easily maneuver our streams, sewers, and swimming pools. Dolphins can pretty much fit anywhere that humans can aquatically that means they can infiltrate our water supplies with their tuna stink.
2. Dolphins can maneuver slightly better on land than whales. Whales cannot maneuver on land at all in factland = death to a whale.Whales can easily be escaped by simply leaving the water. Dolphins are slightly more mobile on land, not as mobile as seals (don’t get me started on the seals, if they were smarter they’d be a threat but they are mere pawns in the dolphin’s aquatic game of chess). Dolphins aren’t much more mobile than whales but they can learn which brings me to number 3.
3. Dolphins are cunning (smart) they’ve learned how to recognize human speech, differentiate between objects, have complex problem solving skills, original thinking, and have a complex language. How long will it be before they realize they can simply seize hoveround chairs from our elderly and lazy and gain mobility on land? I mean with the Americans with disabilities act making it illegal not to be wheelchair accessible the dolphins will be unstoppable.Whales also exhibit these characteristics but are so much more jolly and likable and can only fit in some hoveround chairs.
4. Dolphins have tried to mate with our women… and men.Dolphins, particularly captive dolphins have been seen sexually assaulting humans indiscriminately. If dolphins are successful in breeding with our women our society will be flooded with human/dolphin hybrids that mostly resemble Zack Braff and Rene Zellwegger (except less retarded looking than either). Also the dolphins that enjoy humping men or “gay dolphins” will piss off the evangelical nuts and Fox News will be yammering incessantly about how “gay dolphins are destroying the sanctity of bestiality”.
5. Dolphins are power hungry. Think they have free reign over the oceans which make up most of the Earth’s surface. How long will it be before they decide they want the land too?
6. Dolphins are fast, they’re fast and sneaky.
7.Dolphins have sonar which means they can attack while our visibility is poor and since they are fast and agile they can attack before we notice them lurking.
8.They are resistant to waterboarding. How can we get information about the future onslaught if we can’t waterboard the information out of them?Yes it is possible but most likely they would just click and squeal dolphin epithets at their captors.
9. They’re taking our tuna! Who want to eat krill? Not us, but pan seared pistachio crusted tuna or tuna sashimi? Those bastards are eating my dinner!
10. The most evil reason of all for dolphining. Dolphins inspire more airbrushed t-shirts and velvet paintings in Florida than any other animal.Scary huh?This reason alone is good enough to eliminate an entire species. That species? The people of Florida.. But there are some legal issues with that.
So stop whaling, you’re wasting your time, dolphins are the real threat.
