10 reasons why we shouldn't defund NPR

With the economy the way it is there is no doubt the government is looking for things to cut back on. Sure we have trillions tied up in pointless foreign wars, subsidies for billionaires, live babies to feed Sarah Palin (that baby she holds in public is not her child, it's her snack.), and hush money to keep all those gay prostitutes Rick Santorum frequents quiet but those things can't be helped. As always cutbacks fall on education (hopefully the rapture will come before the future gets here) and NPR. While attempting to pay of the national debt/deficit by cutting some of the least funded programs is much like giving up your daily insulin to pay for a $500,000 dollar yacht in the middle of landlocked Candyland there are still groups ineffectively pushing for this inane budget change.

Maybe I'm jaded by my enjoyment of the news and knowledge of things like this so lets look at some of possible results of defunding NPR.

10 Reasons Why We Shouldn't Defund NPR


1. They will add fart sound effects between stories during the BBC world news.

2. Regional Local Interest shows will be forced to cover things that are actually interesting.

3. Only half the things will be considered on "All things considered".

4. In an attempt to get enough ratings to stay on the air Diane Rhem will resort to showing her boobs.


5. "Talk of the Nation" will be forced to include what the nation is really talking about, fart jokes and Charlie Sheen.

6. Science Friday will be forced to include mediocre soft sciences like Psychology and Sociology.

7. Neal Conan sucks at pan handling.


8. Prairie Home Companion will get twice the airtime.

9. The woman who reads the news hour brief will be forced to pepper in world news during sex chat on her 900 number. Phrases like "Yes penetrate me hard like united nations forces did today while entering Libyan airspace", "I've spilled oil all over my hot jugs much like the spill found today in gulf that appears to be leaking from the Matterhorn Seastar oil rig.", "I'm having 7 orgasms which was the number votes cast in the Supreme court to overide a decision made by the Kansas State legislature", and "Yes poop on my chest, today MIT announced plans to utilize human waste as biofuel to generate electricity.".


10. Terry Gross will be forced to become a prostitute.

Thumbtacks: The Next Miracle Superfood!

Superfood: a term sometimes used to describe food with high phytonutrient content that may confer health benefits as a result. For example, blueberries are often considered a superfood (or superfruit) because they contain significant amounts of antioxidants, anthocyanins, vitamin C, manganese, and dietary fiber. The term is not in common currency amongst dieticians and nutritional scientists, many of whom dispute the claims made that consuming particular foodstuffs can have a health benefit. There is no legal definition of the term and it has been alleged that this has led to it being over-used as a marketing tool. (Citation: Wikipedia)

Everyone is looking for the new superfood, quinoa is quickly becoming passe and is grossly non-phonetic, wheat grass tastes like crystal light and regular grass, and salmon? Well salmon has its benefits but is as unfashionable as any article of clothing that is identified as the color “salmon” which is a color reversed for the proudly homosexual or old colorblind men who have completely given up on sexual relations for the rest of their lives.

Allow me to digress for a moment to answer the question “why do we need a new superfood?”. The answer is simple we demand our health food to be efficient, all our miraculous nature defying anti-aging, pro-aphrodisiac, weight controlling nutrients or chemicals must be rolled into one simple thing we can eat a lot of.

Why just one thing instead of a range of healthy balanced foods? It is long believed by unreasonable medical quackery that and wacky expert nutritionists that we need to eat a range of healthy foods but they’ve only spent lifetimes researching this stuff, many have never even paid the $3000 to get a certificate in holistic mysticism from Herbal Mentalist Camp or even successfully completed the 6 hour weekend seminar in the preternatural catharsis that is a Saturday afternoon in Sedona. It is unreasonable to think we could incorporate all these healthy foods into our diets, we need one simple superfood that we can eat to make up 10% or less of our diet so we have room left over for the 90% total body sodomizing crap that we eat the rest of the time.

I believe I have discovered the next superfood while simply sitting at my desk. Thumbtacks.

Sure I could bore you all with fancy scientific words like “harlequin ichthyosis” or explain why I chose thumbtacks instead of dragonfruit, human embryos, or anything else traditionally considered to be part of the food kingdom. But instead I will go straight to the benefits of eating thumbtacks.

The Benefits Of Thumbtack Consumption:

Thumbtacks are the ideal superfood, they’re lightweight, portable, contain no fat, are low in cholesterol, contain no sugar, and are also low in sodium making them ideal for a range of dietary needs.

Nutritional Value Of Thumbtacks:

Thumbtacks contain essential metals and metal is a “mineral”. Thumbtacks come in a variety of nutritional colors and often contain the essential dietary roughage known as “plastic”.

Health Benefits:

Eating thumbtacks is great exercise for the jaws and teeth, since they are generally made of more powerful substances than traditional edible foods. Also thumbtacks contain essential “sharpness” with stimulates bloodflow to and in the mouth while toughening the esophagus, stomach, and colon on the way through the digestive system.

Preparation:

Thumbtacks can be eaten raw or cooked into sauces, soups, baked goods etc.. If cooking thumbtacks one should be aware that metal heats up very rapidly and that the plastic handled variety being less hardy than the stainless steel version tend to melt in high heat so they are best tossed into a salad or sprinkled over ice cream. Be careful not to overcook your thumbtacks as they conduct heat quite well and you could accidentally burn your mouth.

Epilogue:

While the nutrition of thumbtacks and my claims have not been evaluated by the FDA or any scientific body it has undergone the same strict scrutiny that you would expect at any herbalist, holistic psychic, orChristian book store, or Organic Market.

Also they’re shiny and jingle so babies love them!