Martin Luther King Jr. undeniably a great and eloquent man. A man who spoke for change in America and the world for the better, which is fairly unusual (instead of speaking for a change in long distance carriers or diet soft drinks). A man who truly is deserving of a national holiday. Unfortunately Dr. King’s holiday and all streets containing his name have become associated with one thing… Pride… No just joking I’m talking about looting. Though I am not familiar with all of Dr. King’s speeches and texts and I could be wrong here I do not recall him mentioning that he enjoyed looting. Maybe in a lost page of Dr. King’s last will and testament he explained “Yo, if whitey caps my ass I want a holiday and on that holiday to celebrate unity and peace and reasoning I want motherfuckers go out and loot as much shit as they can, oh and get high as fuck when you’re doing that.. Peace.”. Listen I’m not here judge how you like to celebrate the life of Dr. King, whether it be by listening to his speeches, holding a fundraising event, sitting on your ass playing xbox, or looting $400 Nike MLK edition high top sneakers it’s your choice.
Though many people celebrate by doing the former I would like to address those who celebrate by doing the latter. I’m talking looters. Listen I’m not here to pass judgment on you and be like “you’re giving Dr. King a bad name”. No I realize if you’re going to loot you’re going to loot. I just ask that this year you take ¾ of a second to think about the environment. I often see looters on tv racing down the street with big flat screen tv’s and think “do they know that model uses as much energy as a large refrigerator?”. I mean sure you just looted a 42 inch plasma screen but in the long run you’ll end up paying for it in electric bills! Instead I’d like to suggest looting LCD TV’s instead they use less electricity than their plasma counterparts and the display is just as good. Also in the realm of electronics and appliances let’s look at some of the big ticket items. I know in past if a looter wanted to take a refrigerator or dishwasher they’d flip through their trusty copy of consumer reports and compare models to find the ones that were the most energy efficient. Some of the younger looters however don’t know the value of a dollar and can’t be bothered to do their research and end up just grabbing the shiniest models. Well society has accounted for your laziness an inability to think ahead by placing Energy Star stickers on appliances that use minimal energy. So next time you go to hoist a new refrigerator into the back of a pickup truck you backed through the display window take a second to look for that Energy Star sticker after all it’s a lot of work stealing a refrigerator so you might as well steal a good one.
Motorized vehicle theft is big on looting holidays now most of you are looking for the escalades or the hummers simply because you see them in videos and on tv. A hummer is fool’s gold I say (and not that awful, awful movie with Matthew Macconaughey ) hummer’s are a big gas guzzling slow moving vehicle. What’s the point of stealing a car that costs $100 to fill the gas tank up? I mean you’d have to steal gas like 4-5 times a week, that’s simply inefficient. Also who needs a car that will run out of gas during a high speed police chase? Instead consider stealing a hybrid, Honda has a great line of hybrid vehicles from sedans to suv’s also because of the stereotypes associated with black people driving Escalades the racist police are sure to pull you over. However a black guy driving a Prius on the other hand… will still probably get pulled over by the police. Also hybrid cars get more miles to the gallon so if you get in a high speed chase chances are the cops will run out of gas before you!
Now I know this is a big step but if you are looting forms of transportation maybe you should consider looting yourself a bicycle. I know it may not be the coolest vehicle and people will probably shout words like “homo” at you and that “chickenheaded gold digg’n hoes won’t give you no time on no bicycle” but there are some good reasons to loot a bicycle this Martin Luther King day. I’m not saying you should loot a bicycle instead of a new car, I’m saying you should loot a bicycle in addition to a new car. In fact you should steal a new that has a bike rack on it. Bicycles are great transportation, they don’t require gas or insurance (not that you’d get insurance anyway, you can’t really steal insurance) and is great exercise. Bikes provide quick transportation and good exercise especially when trying to make quick escapes in crowded areas. Sure drive by’s will be tricky at first but in time you’ll get better and you can proudly ride your bike along making victims out of innocent bystanders knowing that one person will not be your victim today.. That person? Mother Nature!
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