What The Economy Needs.... More Cigarettes.

So the all mighty dollar is looking about as mighty as an MTV rapper without his security team. The U.S. dollar’s value has been on a steady decline for years much like Ben Stein’s career (which was never anything more than mediocre). Sure years of bad choices are turning the U.S. dollar into the Courtney Love of currency, once proud and admirable but now battered and whorish. So what do we do? Well we could doing something rash like close taxes loopholes for corporations, regulate the banks, stop devaluing the dollar by overproducing it, and require an import tax on non-perishable products to encourage/penalize companies into producing their products in the U.S. strengthening our overall economy or we could just let it collapse and find a new currency…. So America needs a new currency!

If you watch a lot of day time television (and you do you jobless bum) the obvious choice would be gold, after all Cash 4 Gold’s free pamphlet and persuasive arguments by mediocre “celebrities” we thought were dead would suggest that the shiny commodity of the past is our future. Our course gold is heavy and not easily stored in fact only Long Island Italians would whole heartedly embrace the gold standard. Also gold is around forever so it can’t be easily destroyed or recalled to control its value and there is no real way of keeping track of it. No we need something of value we can control production of and devalue at will.

In prison and in prison movies there are two major sources of currency cigarettes and ass. Ass is a commodity that quickly becomes devalued if you don’t watch it and would make simple transactions on the outside such as purchasing a 7/11 taquito much more costly and difficult “okay, so you can either fuck me in the ass for 4 seconds now or wait until I’ve accrued 6 taquitos, a slurpee, and 4 copies of Juggs magazine for a full 3 minutes” (of course that 4 seconds would have to be split between regional, corporate, the suppliers, producers, employees well you catch my drift. Also it would really suck to be boss come pay day for the employees). So at the risk of becoming unpopular I will go out on a limb and say that ass sex probably won’t work to well as a standalone currency, sorry Spencer Pratt I know how eager you were to get rich again (his ass is already probably looser than Eddie Murphy’s definition of the word “woman”). Also women would be born with twice the currency flipping the status quo and men would be trapped under the “ass ceiling”.

Now ass might not work but I still think prisons are a good place to look, after all 1 out of every 100 Americans is in prison/jail currently and with unemployment on the rise along with crime it’s a growing industry. In fact if we did use a prison based currency it would transition from jailed life and invisibly jailed life much easier for Americans. So let’s examine the other popular currency used in prisons, cigarettes.

Cigarettes are paper much like our current currency and they’re light weight. They’re also easily destroyed and can be smoked so it would be easy to correct market issues making them nearly impossible to effectively devalue for more than a couple months. Also in comparisons to other currencies on the world scale cigarettes are valuable just about everywhere. In Europe especially France they love cigarettes so the cigarette would hold up very well and may even surpass the Euro in value (it pretty much has in Eastern Europe already). In Russia and China you can already use cigarettes as currency so the cigarette will remain strong in China’s expanding economy (India loves tobacco too, but they have better stuff than us).


So switching our currency to cigarettes works well on a global scale but what about domestically? Well the healthcare industry in its current state is huge business and cancer is a leading driving force in this business and with smoking cigarettes being a major cause of cancer you have created a self sustaining economic cycle. The only way you can escape this glorious display of capitalism would be to die… Actually not even death would allow you to escape capitalism as the rise in deaths would stimulate mortuary industry!

So America stimulate the economy with stimulants and look cool doing it! You've got currency to burn!

Patenting Breast Cancer Is The Most Generous Gift You Could Give!

As of late the new trend in patenting is not to patent a process or invention but in fact to patent genes. This all started with the suspiciously Luthor Corp like company Monsanto attempting to patent seeds they genetically tweaked (without testing their effect on the environment of course) so they could in fact patent the world's food supply and claim patent infringement on any farm that doesn't pay to use their demon seeds (going so far as to sue the world seed vault to destroy all natural occurring seeds). As the law states you can't patent nature, but if you tweak nature it's fair game.

So why then is Myriad Genetics attempting to patent the gene that causes breast cancer?

It's naturally occurring, they didn't create it (hopefully), and it's a product that almost no one would want to buy (since everyone who receives it for free can't wait to get rid of it).

The simple answer is that they want to charge research facilities money to search for a cure....

Let me rephrase and repeat that "Myriad Genetics wants to financially penalize people for attempting to cure cancer". That's right even cancer has it's supporters (actually the entire pharmaceutical industry along with much of the hmo's and for profit healthcare industry).

Besides the glaring fact that nobody should be able to patent a gene natural or otherwise this is a naturally occurring gene so anyone who has it can be sued by Myriad. Now conversely this means that Myriad has laid claim to breast cancer and is itself responsible for such a dangerous product.

That means that everyone who has or had breast cancer and the families of people who died of it should be able to sue Myriad for releasing such a dangerous product. In fact since it has killed so many people I would think criminal charges would come into play.

In fact this could mean a "full product recall of cancer" which means anyone who caught breast cancer could go to Myriad to return it and Myriad would in fact have to pay to cure them!

This could be an incredibly generous gift to the world that Myriad provides under a thick veil of greed, insensitivity to human suffering, and a purely evil intent. Yes let them patent it, let them be held liable for it too. We'll either see Myriad's ruin, Myriad cure everyone with breast cancer for free, or a world in which companies can no longer patent genes.

Someone should patent testicle cancer because I could really use a vacation in the south pacific.

- Dr. Intoxicated