Barack Obama Doesn't Care About Mole People!

As representative of the Moloid peoples and the dwellers of Subterranea I must speak out about the great injustices being perpetrated against underground dwellers by one called “Barack Obama”.

For too long Subterranean Americans have been kept in the dark (figure of speech we like being in the actual dark, damn your surface metaphors.) as to the running of the country we dwell beneath. We are sick of the topographically top percent making all the decisions as to who can dig where, whose drills can screw our cavernous cities, who gets to steal our precious elemental resources, and rape our mole women (okay, nobody has tried to rape our mole women even our most beautiful supermodel Ruth Bader Ginsberg). It is time we take a hunched over stand!

During his campaign and repeatedly after Barack Obama has promised to plunge the world into darkness promising to fund solar initiatives aimed at draining the awful sun of its power via absorption by solar panels. Three years later the sun still sits in the sky a constant terrorist threat to the Moloids, yet Obama has promised to make America safer! Why does this promise not extend to subterranea?

Name one pro-moleman initiative Barack Obama has supported? I bet you can’t.

Worse he pleads ignorance of our problems. When BP’s gross ignorance caused a cave-in at the city of Rocklar with their drunken pococurante drill poking he just let them walk away with no burning in the molten pits below. When the dome of great city of Hothdar cracked letting in awful, awful sunlight who was out there handing out spf 1000 sunscreen? Not Obama. To this day the Hothdarians still must hide in the surrounding caverns during your pitiful hours of sunlight. FEMA has forgotten about us.

Only the Republican and Tea Parties have adequately represented our interest in eliminating the surface dwellers. Some with this idea called “rapture” in which they do everything possible to hasten their own demise from dimming education, handing nuclear weapons to contentious careless aggressors, and facilitating the mass production of carcinogens that simulate the hot molten conditions of the lower underworld.

Until the surface world is plunged into eternal darkness I stand by my statement.

Barack Obama doesn’t care about mole people.

Questions A Fox News Viewer Has For President Obama After The State Of The Union Address

With all the choices of stations to watch the state of the union address on one was noticeably absent. The spin zone, America's most popular news station. Though I'm sure the address was just ploy to brainwash you into growing a Hitler mustache and having gay sex I'm sure there are a few things real Americans want to know. I have compiled a list and if the President does not respond to my tiny insignificant blog that he will probably never see it is clearly a conspiracy. Guilty until proven innocent just like the bill of rights says. (President Obama, if you do answer these questions don't use none of your fancy magic queer speak with the big words like that Dennis Miller fruit please.)

Do you know your skin a different color than mine?

How do you intend to un-darkity your skin like that there Micheal Jackson done did?

Now are you going to make our babies gay before you grill and cannonbalize them?

As a gay homo crossdressing Commie/Nazi do you wear mostly red dresses like the commies or olive drab like the Nazis?

When you come to turn me gay will you be a gentle lover?

When you’re socialize my house with your evil socialism can I live in the part with the toilet?

Will you have the gun manufacturers make color coated guns so the gay soldiers don’t clash?

House many human skins will you need for the new drapes in your evil office?

If I put the lotion in the basket will I get the hose again? I need a new hose.

I ain’t a racist but could you maybe lynch yourself, maybe feel free to say some racist stuff, Brett Favre is play’n tonight and I got my welfare check on the game.

How many light beers equal a regular one? I want to know before you ban all but sissy light and ultra-light beer.

When you close all the banks will that mean the sperm banks too? That’s how I make my beer money.

Since you are the antichrist and to be antichrist you have to believe in Christ does that make you a Christian?

Why do you hate America and want to kill god?

Is “science spending” some commie nazi liberal words for “pay’n monkeys to evolve so they can take over earth and bury the statue of liberty”?

How many times a week do you and Hitler ride over the graves in Arlington National cemetery on a seatless tandem bicycle?

Is it true that your army of obamatron robots can be repelled by a $700 anti-obamatron spray sold only on Pat Robertson’s hotline?

Why did you shoot Abe Lincoln? Was it because he put you people out of work… I kind of understand that.

When you eliminate all the jobs in America and enslave us all by enforcing your fancy bill o’rights …. Well what will us slaves have to do… like after the jobs are all gone?

Tell Jew Biden to stop murdering my Jesus!

How many fully erect penises will be featured on your new communist American flag? I say 13.

How long do I have before you use your un-American first amendment to ban Juggs magazine, and when will the last issue come out?

How will we nuke the whales with your fancy green energy?

When you ban white people and throw us in camps will you start with the pale ones like the Irish? Also I enjoy T-ball can my death camp have T-ball?

With all due respect America wants know you, evil gay robot nazi Mr. President!

Theme Park Haiti!

Right now efforts to send aid to the people of Haiti are in full effect. Aid that could have been used long before mother Earth found out she had a big booty and decided to shake it all over their little Caribbean island (She heard on BET that black men liked the big booty, unfortunately hers was just too big for even a million black men). After engrossing myself in the horrific footage and hearing of all the major aid efforts I thought “great, hopefully Haiti will end up in a better position than before” then I thought “wait, whenever America helps a poor country it’s usually because they have some resource we can steal from them.” I decided to take a look at the economy of Haiti and their geographic and mineral wealth. It goes as follows 80% of Haitians are below the poverty line and it’s not because they’re a limbo enthusiast nation like Jamaica, 66% of Haitians do sustenance farming, leaving an economy of mostly service and industrial workers. Haiti makes around 11 billion a year which less than Bill Gates spends on anime porn. Roughly 2/3 of the population does not have formal jobs and their biggest export which makes up 52% of all exports is cheap sweatshop clothing. So it’s accurate to refer to Haiti as “The novelty T-shirt producing nation of the Caribbean”. Hell I bet half the shitty “Jamaican me crazy” shirts are made in Haiti.

As far as minerals and resources go they have very limited amounts of gold, probably less gold than is in 50 Cent’s Hello Kitty fanny pack. Also they have bauxite, a fairly common type of aluminum ore which is the equivalent of mining for aluminum cans in the trash can of a shopping mall but probably less profitable (for the Haitians). Also Haiti is known as the poorest and most violent country in the Caribbean, unfortunately unlike America, Haiti just hasn’t figured out how make money by exporting violence effectively. So with no real resources to plunder from Haiti except maybe an “America Gave Aid To Haiti And All We Got Were These Lousy T-Shirts” shirt chances are America’s interest and aid will dry up quicker than a WASP’s vagina when you tell her your Rolex is a fake.

Now let’s get serious for a moment why is it after we give aid to poor countries they are still poor? Is it because of third world debt repayment… Well a bit. But mostly because our aid is short sighted it does not go to establishing sustainable economies. A sustainable economy is what we need in Haiti. Of course how do you develop a sustainable economy in an area with practically no resources, tons of crime, and an assload of novelty t-shirts?.....

Sounds kind of like a Florida. You know what Florida did? They built a shit load of cheesy theme parks. You know another place that had absolutely nothing but crime and flat land? Las Vegas. It was a worthless desert 100 years ago, the Jews didn’t even want to wander around in it.

Most Caribbean nations have some type of legalized gambling and some cities have full casino gambling so why not have Haiti go full out. It’s not like gambling will attract crime, I mean you could either be poor with crime or be less poor with crime. Haiti has beaches, sun, lax legal standards, and cheap labor I can see a variety of people and companies that would be more than interested in doing business there.

Though I’m not suggesting anything I had few ideas for attractions/theme parks in Haiti.

McDonald Land: All your lovable McDonald’s characters and food provided by the dirt cheap labor McDonald’s is known for, if that fails it can be sold to Michael McDonald re-themed and treated like a yacht rock version of Gitmo.

Astleywood: Very similar to Dollywood but themed after Rick Astley, if that doesn’t work we can simply cover the sign with something that says “Hot Nude Girls” or “Super Fun World” then right after they pay the admission they enter to hear “Never Gonna Give You Up” blasting. No Refunds.

Fox News’ Perfect America: A theme park based on all the ass backwards ideals proposed on Fox News. Whites only (except the native Haitian workers), No women, no gays, no booze, tons of guns, Christianity! No medical treatment, common roads, electricity, running water, all resources privately owned with no regulation, no labor laws, and no laws protecting you or your rights…. Actually it sounds a bit like how Haiti already is.

Something derived from a Japanese game show: Panty machines on every corner! Get randomly electrocuted! Have people shout things in unison at you! Japan Rules.

Mis-Appropriated Aid Funds Land: Regardless of what goes on this theme is sure to come up in the next few weeks, every time there is an ill in the world or a cause some unscrupulous group decides to take advantage of your kindness with an ersatz charity/tax dodge. Usually it’s Pat Robertson but this time the big gun has bowed out and let some of the young bucks take the big bucks. If you wish to avoid donating to this theme park go to Direct Relief I heard about them on Reddit.

I’m sure you guys have plenty of Haitian Theme Park/Casino ideas/Etcetera. Don’t be afraid to comment I’m a lonely creepy man and I’m aroused sexually by your hatemail.

I Present You With The Most Powerful Media Company In The World!

If I was to ask most people who the most powerful newspaper is chances are I’d get answers like “The New York Times”, “The Wall Street Journal”, or “Whoever has the most Jews working for them”. Seemingly normal and novel answers to my question… Which is why it is clearly a conspiracy!

If you have television or access to a cable ready kinetiscope you’ll notice within the last year that there has been an exponential increase in pseudoscience programming. History, Discovery, Animal Planet, TLC (which used to mainly deal with the freakishly and hilariously obese and flipper babies), Scifi, and various other stations have jammed their lineups full of shows about Ghosts, UFO’s, Conspiracy Theories, Monster Hunting, Psychic babies, the existence of angels, programs featuring culinary throwback Guy Fieri, and Fox News theories about President Obama.

It seems like once legitimate stations (with the exception of Fox News, who were never legitimate.) have been taken over, not by aliens but by…. You guessed it, The Weekly World News!
My conspiracy goes like this (note: By using the word “conspiracy” it informs people that my half assed crazy rant is legitimate journalism worth reading.) The Weekly World News known to most people as “the crazy black and white tabloid with Aliens shaking hands with presidents” mysteriously disappeared from supermarkets in the year 2007. They claim it was because they weren’t making money any more but how could a company that knows a real life King Midas, A goose who actually lays golden eggs, and a potion made from honey and cayenne pepper that can change anything into a diamond and grant everlasting youth have problems with money? Exactly.. Something fishy is going on here and it isn’t fish girl’s vagina.
Honestly don’t you think an organization with enough clout to get exclusive photos of meetings between aliens and the President or exclusive interviews with an incognito Elvis has enough clout and blackmail to get a billion dollar bailout? I mean a bunch of bankers got billions of tax dollars for claiming the economy would collapse if their handful of people didn’t get bonuses and they didn’t even have pictures of Nancy Pelosi golfing with batboy!

The Weekly World News decided to secretly go underground and take control of American media. Sick of naïve programs that promoted discovery and technology without mentioning that aliens are responsible for everything from ipods to the common toilet brush they decided to cut those programs to focus more on the real scientists and adventurers, aliens. Next came these so called “history” programs, they were over thought and unnecessary. Visiting historic sites, investigating historic texts? All unnecessary when you can simply just hunt down ghosts and ask them about the past! Unfortunately ghosts are mysterious assholes who like to fuck with people appearing as common occurrences that are easily explained logically like “wind chill” and “using crappy electricians”. Noticing that Animal Planet had been completely ignoring speculative cryptozoology to focus on “real animals” they decided it was time to search for bigfoot instead focusing on real animals and their really cool evolutionary adaptations. With all of these major knowledge groups out of the way they decided to bring in the heavy guns to cover the rest… I’m talking about psychic kids. Hell they’re psychic they already know everything. Yes everything, just very vaguely. It’s like asking a Republican about specific policies.
Yes America the Weekly World News is alive and well (they should be they have a miracle potion made out of cayenne pepper and honey) and controlling the media. Watch your ass Wolfe Blitzer soon you’ll be replaced with Werewolf Blitzer and Tom Brokaw’s ass will be replaced with the ghost of Edward R. Murrow. Major League Baseball, watch out! We know about the angels in the outfield helping you rig games…

I’d like to wish Elvis a happy belated 75th birthday and I hope that batboy comic strip creator Pete Bagge finally has enough clout to get the animated version of “Hate!” on tv.

-Dr. Intoxicated