With the apprehension of earning the praise of asinine organizations like PETA and Greenpeace I have to say that I actually agree that we should stop whaling. Whaling is cruel, barely necessary, culturally significant to cultures that aren’t American, slightly amusing, and a bunch of other things I like but it’s really not worth it. Whales are big clunky animals who mean us no harm in fact they even had a cameo role in Star Trek 4. No, whales are jolly and sometimes pretty cool, I mean narwhals are like the unicorns of the sea (except not jerks like real unicorns) and sperm whales are amazing they can control the thickness of the oil stored in their bodies like central oil heating (also between sperm whales and seamen I have no shortage of nautical sexual innuendos.). Whales aren’t worth hunting… Not when dolphins are still plaguing our oceans with their incessant squealing inspiring Avril Lavigne to continue her singing career.
I know some of you are thinking “but whales are huge they could crush us with their tails! They’re like a less annoying version Rosie O’Donnel”. Don’t worry I’ve thought it out and have compiled a list of reasons to stop whaling and start dolphining.
1. Whales are huge and have trouble maneuvering in small spaces. Dolphins on the other hand are small and agile, they can easily maneuver our streams, sewers, and swimming pools. Dolphins can pretty much fit anywhere that humans can aquatically that means they can infiltrate our water supplies with their tuna stink.
2. Dolphins can maneuver slightly better on land than whales. Whales cannot maneuver on land at all in fact land = death to a whale. Whales can easily be escaped by simply leaving the water. Dolphins are slightly more mobile on land, not as mobile as seals (don’t get me started on the seals, if they were smarter they’d be a threat but they are mere pawns in the dolphin’s aquatic game of chess). Dolphins aren’t much more mobile than whales but they can learn which brings me to number 3.
3. Dolphins are cunning (smart) they’ve learned how to recognize human speech, differentiate between objects, have complex problem solving skills, original thinking, and have a complex language. How long will it be before they realize they can simply seize hoveround chairs from our elderly and lazy and gain mobility on land? I mean with the Americans with disabilities act making it illegal not to be wheelchair accessible the dolphins will be unstoppable. Whales also exhibit these characteristics but are so much more jolly and likable and can only fit in some hoveround chairs.
4. Dolphins have tried to mate with our women… and men. Dolphins, particularly captive dolphins have been seen sexually assaulting humans indiscriminately. If dolphins are successful in breeding with our women our society will be flooded with human/dolphin hybrids that mostly resemble Zack Braff and Rene Zellwegger (except less retarded looking than either). Also the dolphins that enjoy humping men or “gay dolphins” will piss off the evangelical nuts and Fox News will be yammering incessantly about how “gay dolphins are destroying the sanctity of bestiality”.
5. Dolphins are power hungry. Think they have free reign over the oceans which make up most of the Earth’s surface. How long will it be before they decide they want the land too?
6. Dolphins are fast, they’re fast and sneaky.
7. Dolphins have sonar which means they can attack while our visibility is poor and since they are fast and agile they can attack before we notice them lurking.
8. They are resistant to waterboarding. How can we get information about the future onslaught if we can’t waterboard the information out of them? Yes it is possible but most likely they would just click and squeal dolphin epithets at their captors.
9. They’re taking our tuna! Who want to eat krill? Not us, but pan seared pistachio crusted tuna or tuna sashimi? Those bastards are eating my dinner!
10. The most evil reason of all for dolphining. Dolphins inspire more airbrushed t-shirts and velvet paintings in Florida than any other animal. Scary huh? This reason alone is good enough to eliminate an entire species. That species? The people of Florida.. But there are some legal issues with that.
So stop whaling, you’re wasting your time, dolphins are the real threat.
No comments:
Post a Comment