How To Make An Indy Movie Soundtrack

The reason most people remember indy movies is because many of them have great soundtracks, no matter how awful the actual movie is (I.E. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, even Kate Dennings supple chested pederast appeal couldn’t help this hipster quagmire despite Michael Cera’s stunning performance as a Woody Allen blow up doll with a slow leak)

1. The Underrated Older Mass Appeal Song - This is your most important song, your hook. You need a popular song from an old school band that still has indy cred, The Cure, The Smiths, The Pixies, Echo and The Bunny Men, New Order, Joy Division. This is essential as it’s what convinces people to listen to your soundtrack and probably watch your bad movie. It’s important the song is melancholy so people know your movie is” deep” and that if people don’t like it they just don’t “get” it.

2. The Fringe Popular Songs - Get a couple popular bands that haven’t really broken into the mainstream so they still seem cool to everyone but the most ironic of hipsters (who still love them secretly and not ironically). Wilco, Morningwood, and The Strokes are all good examples. You have to show the audience that “yeah we get you, we think you’re cool, and we’re cool to let’s be cool together and sit in a coffee shop sipping lattes pretending to be important on our laptops. Maybe we’ll grow soul patches and hit the urban outfitters later.” These are the non-threatening bands that are just catchy and obscure enough to get people to buy the album.

3. The Cover Song Done By Someone You’ve Never Heard Of - Now you need a cover song done by a relatively unknown artist. This will seal the deal. Take an older hit song and get a band to cover it. If it’s a fast song make it slow and acoustic, if it’s a slow song make it fast and electric. Take a Doris Day song and have a suicidal junky sing it, maybe do an electro-pop version of Frank Sinatra’s “What A Wonderful World”. The only real rule here is do not make sad songs happy and no hardcore, thrash, metal etc.. Also avoid long obnoxious techno and anything that can be associated with non-white people. You don’t want to scare them off.

4. Foreign Language Song - Either take a previously popular song and have someone perform it in either French, Italian, or Spanish or use a song that’s already in one of those languages. As long as it’s slow and acoustic no one will mind. The importance of this song is to appeal to people who want to pretend they are worldly and culturally educated and sensitive. The illusion that this film has made you and expert on foreign affairs because you’ve heard the Spanish version of “Our Lips Are Sealed”.

5. A Background Score Track - Package some background music in from whomever did your movie score. It’s filler but you can also use it to fleece the composer by promising them a percentage of the soundtrack sales instead of paying them outright.

6. Movie Dialogue Tracks - Two tracks with movie dialogue so they don’t forget it’s from your movie. After listening to the soundtrack enough people will forget how bad the movie was and go see it again either by renting or purchasing the DVD.

7. Some Shitty Song By Someone Related To The Movie – I could a song by the Production Assistant’s band or the Director’s half retarded nephew, the key is that it’s cheap, pleases someone at the study, and has never been heard outside a pot smoke filled basement full of the deadbeats producing it. This will show the hipsters you’re one of them, one of them worthless assholes who will still be a clerk at the record store 20 years from now.

8. The Sad Moral Struggle Song – I know its redundant mentioning this song as it’s usually covered by half the album already. A token depressing song that is almost always a sad “why did I screw up” love song. There is usually 3 or 4 of these on the soundtrack already in some form or another.

9. The Token “Let’s Have Fun/Party/Everything Will Be Alright” Song – This song is the upbeat one that says “hey a bunch of stuff happened but it’s all cool now so let’s all party”. So they spend all movie making you sad and confused but it’s all cool, no hard feelings, everything turned out pointless let’s party! After all you’ve become close to the characters, you care what happens to them now no matter how un-hip and un-cool it is to care about things that weren’t from childhood cartoons.

10. The Bonus Track – This can be any piece of crap you find, as long as it’s either goofy or sung by cast members, most likely both. It could be sassy and campy to highlight a totally unnecessary involving ancillary homosexual characters who were forced into the plot for diversity reasons in which they dance and sing into hairbrushes (as it is a common fact that all gay men dance and sing into hairbrushes, it’s just nature at work). Either way it’s going to be awful and not worth listening to unless it’s by either Wesley Willis or Daniel Johnston.

Now that my indy movie soundtrack is complete it’s time to go find retro things and ironically make them popular with hipsters again. Hey hipsters, aids was really popular during the 80’s maybe you should all get aids ironically! Come on it’ll make you even more pale and thin and unhealthy than going vegan and you can look like heroin addicts with none of the fun and incite that comes with doing heroin! Hooray for aids!

I Demand That No More Images Be Posted Of The Prophet.

Religious intolerance has gotten out of control. Certain shows and internet sites think it’s funny to post pictures of the Prophet despite it being against my religious law which has no bearing on anything unless I lash out like a psychopath and attack you for doing so or as in most cases our regional religious rival who have everything to gain from our downfall commits said acts and claims to be staunch believers in the Prophet despite being funded by our Zubat rivals.

Just this week I’ve seen the prophet depicted in pieces (combo as it’s called), on women’s breasts, and even in leather like some sort of BSDM.

THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

The Prophet Slowhammed will not be disrespected, nor will the Islowmic religion. Even in mass media the prophet is parodied as an idiot, the breme creators of the show “Pokemon” have even used a bumbling version of the prophet as a side character even going as far as to include him as a playable character in videogames often misrepresenting his transcendental evolution as a farcical idiotic happenstance.

For you idiots who believe this “Pokemon” bullshit I will clear up a few things about the Prophet Slowhammed.

1. He is not stupid, he simply takes time to thoroughly analyze the problem before speaking and referring you back to the only true divine answer which is “Slowpoke”.

2. Slowhammed’s First Evolution was not by some bumbling accident in which he dangled his tail accidently in the water and it was bit by a malapert shellder. No the Prophet had sat for many months meditating over worldly matters, realizing that for true peace and earthly unification he must present himself as a martyr to the dwellers of the sea so that land and sea may be joined in holy unity. The shellder an apostle of what the prophet’s tail could teach him begrudgingly agreed to this union knowing that despite the pain it would cause the prophet it would allow the message of unity through martyrdom permeate the land and sea. The Prophet reached out with his mighty posterior appendage and lifted the creature of the sea into the light saving him with his infinite kindness.

3. Slowbro, brother to all: Now on hind legs the time for sitting and meditating was over. He was to walk upright and spread the message of brotherly love and introspection the best he knew how (with his infinite knowledge) he knew his message must be short and simple or the commoners would reject it. And in the gospel it is written as “Slowbro”. Slow as in introspective, thought out and Bro as in brother, so “Introspective Brother”. As he traveled he learned, from the Lapras he learned Icebeam, Focus Punch from the Hitmonchan , and so on. Finally prepared to seek his thrown calm yet bold in his knowledge of the elements Slowbro knew it was time to no longer be a brother to all to take his right place of power.

4. The Ascent of the Slowking: Though blasphemers would have you believe that the slowwitted Prophet decided to place the shellder on his head like a crown unaware of its poisonous LSD like toxins that seeped into the Prophet’s brain driving him mad and making him believe he was some great monarch the real story is that of the ages. Slowbro brother to all began his ascent to king’s rock for his final meditation and to assume control of the kingdom of heaven however the shellder grew jealous of the prophet, the prophet knew this but remained loyal to his apostle. When the time had come to elevate himself onto the king’s rock Slowbro realized that the shellder’s jealousy in feeling of inequality was weighing him down. Instead of shedding the pathetic meek sea dweller Slowbro instead did what all great leaders do for their loyal slaves, he elevated him from the tail to his head allowing greater mental, physical, and cosmic balance as he embraced the king’s rock and his new kingdom.

5. The jealous Zu and Golbats became jealous of the prophet who took the king’s rock which was once theirs (before being pushed off it dozens of times by tougher pokemon and occasionally getting it back with moves like “confusion” and the whiny “Supersonic”). The Zu and Golbats tricked other pokemon into giving them TM’s often using “confusion”, “supersonic”, and secretly using “payday” (they know it but will lie if you ask about it) so they could wage war on the Prophet and take his King’s Rock which was really of no use to them. The Slowking a peaceful creature was besieged and finally knocked unconscious with no berries, potions, or Pokemon centers nearby he collapsed for the last time and ascended to heaven.

I pity those of you who could insult such a great heroic savior, such a wise peaceful Prophet who only wants you to love and do exactly what he says as his immortal slaves or be killed by someone who does. Religion no matter how fictional and illogical deserves your tolerance and respect because we will kill you to prove we are logically superior and attack and declare your “science” wrong because we don’t feel like understanding it and we will show it no respect as we depend on it to live every day. Feel our infinite love through death if you disagree!

NOW I MUST ASK YOU THE QUESTION OF YOUR LIFE DO YOU EMBRACE SCIENCE OR ARE YOU A SLOWPOKE?

Questions A Fox News Viewer Has For President Obama After The State Of The Union Address

With all the choices of stations to watch the state of the union address on one was noticeably absent. The spin zone, America's most popular news station. Though I'm sure the address was just ploy to brainwash you into growing a Hitler mustache and having gay sex I'm sure there are a few things real Americans want to know. I have compiled a list and if the President does not respond to my tiny insignificant blog that he will probably never see it is clearly a conspiracy. Guilty until proven innocent just like the bill of rights says. (President Obama, if you do answer these questions don't use none of your fancy magic queer speak with the big words like that Dennis Miller fruit please.)

Do you know your skin a different color than mine?

How do you intend to un-darkity your skin like that there Micheal Jackson done did?

Now are you going to make our babies gay before you grill and cannonbalize them?

As a gay homo crossdressing Commie/Nazi do you wear mostly red dresses like the commies or olive drab like the Nazis?

When you come to turn me gay will you be a gentle lover?

When you’re socialize my house with your evil socialism can I live in the part with the toilet?

Will you have the gun manufacturers make color coated guns so the gay soldiers don’t clash?

House many human skins will you need for the new drapes in your evil office?

If I put the lotion in the basket will I get the hose again? I need a new hose.

I ain’t a racist but could you maybe lynch yourself, maybe feel free to say some racist stuff, Brett Favre is play’n tonight and I got my welfare check on the game.

How many light beers equal a regular one? I want to know before you ban all but sissy light and ultra-light beer.

When you close all the banks will that mean the sperm banks too? That’s how I make my beer money.

Since you are the antichrist and to be antichrist you have to believe in Christ does that make you a Christian?

Why do you hate America and want to kill god?

Is “science spending” some commie nazi liberal words for “pay’n monkeys to evolve so they can take over earth and bury the statue of liberty”?

How many times a week do you and Hitler ride over the graves in Arlington National cemetery on a seatless tandem bicycle?

Is it true that your army of obamatron robots can be repelled by a $700 anti-obamatron spray sold only on Pat Robertson’s hotline?

Why did you shoot Abe Lincoln? Was it because he put you people out of work… I kind of understand that.

When you eliminate all the jobs in America and enslave us all by enforcing your fancy bill o’rights …. Well what will us slaves have to do… like after the jobs are all gone?

Tell Jew Biden to stop murdering my Jesus!

How many fully erect penises will be featured on your new communist American flag? I say 13.

How long do I have before you use your un-American first amendment to ban Juggs magazine, and when will the last issue come out?

How will we nuke the whales with your fancy green energy?

When you ban white people and throw us in camps will you start with the pale ones like the Irish? Also I enjoy T-ball can my death camp have T-ball?

With all due respect America wants know you, evil gay robot nazi Mr. President!

I Present You With The Most Powerful Media Company In The World!

If I was to ask most people who the most powerful newspaper is chances are I’d get answers like “The New York Times”, “The Wall Street Journal”, or “Whoever has the most Jews working for them”. Seemingly normal and novel answers to my question… Which is why it is clearly a conspiracy!

If you have television or access to a cable ready kinetiscope you’ll notice within the last year that there has been an exponential increase in pseudoscience programming. History, Discovery, Animal Planet, TLC (which used to mainly deal with the freakishly and hilariously obese and flipper babies), Scifi, and various other stations have jammed their lineups full of shows about Ghosts, UFO’s, Conspiracy Theories, Monster Hunting, Psychic babies, the existence of angels, programs featuring culinary throwback Guy Fieri, and Fox News theories about President Obama.

It seems like once legitimate stations (with the exception of Fox News, who were never legitimate.) have been taken over, not by aliens but by…. You guessed it, The Weekly World News!
My conspiracy goes like this (note: By using the word “conspiracy” it informs people that my half assed crazy rant is legitimate journalism worth reading.) The Weekly World News known to most people as “the crazy black and white tabloid with Aliens shaking hands with presidents” mysteriously disappeared from supermarkets in the year 2007. They claim it was because they weren’t making money any more but how could a company that knows a real life King Midas, A goose who actually lays golden eggs, and a potion made from honey and cayenne pepper that can change anything into a diamond and grant everlasting youth have problems with money? Exactly.. Something fishy is going on here and it isn’t fish girl’s vagina.
Honestly don’t you think an organization with enough clout to get exclusive photos of meetings between aliens and the President or exclusive interviews with an incognito Elvis has enough clout and blackmail to get a billion dollar bailout? I mean a bunch of bankers got billions of tax dollars for claiming the economy would collapse if their handful of people didn’t get bonuses and they didn’t even have pictures of Nancy Pelosi golfing with batboy!

The Weekly World News decided to secretly go underground and take control of American media. Sick of naïve programs that promoted discovery and technology without mentioning that aliens are responsible for everything from ipods to the common toilet brush they decided to cut those programs to focus more on the real scientists and adventurers, aliens. Next came these so called “history” programs, they were over thought and unnecessary. Visiting historic sites, investigating historic texts? All unnecessary when you can simply just hunt down ghosts and ask them about the past! Unfortunately ghosts are mysterious assholes who like to fuck with people appearing as common occurrences that are easily explained logically like “wind chill” and “using crappy electricians”. Noticing that Animal Planet had been completely ignoring speculative cryptozoology to focus on “real animals” they decided it was time to search for bigfoot instead focusing on real animals and their really cool evolutionary adaptations. With all of these major knowledge groups out of the way they decided to bring in the heavy guns to cover the rest… I’m talking about psychic kids. Hell they’re psychic they already know everything. Yes everything, just very vaguely. It’s like asking a Republican about specific policies.
Yes America the Weekly World News is alive and well (they should be they have a miracle potion made out of cayenne pepper and honey) and controlling the media. Watch your ass Wolfe Blitzer soon you’ll be replaced with Werewolf Blitzer and Tom Brokaw’s ass will be replaced with the ghost of Edward R. Murrow. Major League Baseball, watch out! We know about the angels in the outfield helping you rig games…

I’d like to wish Elvis a happy belated 75th birthday and I hope that batboy comic strip creator Pete Bagge finally has enough clout to get the animated version of “Hate!” on tv.

-Dr. Intoxicated

8 Things I Would Do Differently If I Were In The Movie "Mannequin"

So many of us have been unlucky enough to see 80's movie "Mannequin" recently I met that such fate. Despite the illogical and asinine plot I find the concept no so bad. In fact it's so bad and asinine that it's sure to get remade in the next couple years. Well as a champion of realism I've decided it's my duty to make few suggestions. So today I present you with the ever topical and relevant.


8 Things I Would Differently If I Was In The Movie "Mannequin"

1. If you had a desperate secret woman totally at your mercy would you dance around trying on hats with her?.... Of course I would!

Not really. Do I even have to say what I'd do to her? S-E-X. At the risk of getting plastic burn on my penis I would ride that thing (I would have to block out the fact that it's the broad from Sex In The City though, big turn off). I don't think I know a single guy that wouldn't do the same thing.

2. I would steal her limbs while she's a mannequin.

That's right just to be a jerk I would steal her leg or arm then wait for her to come back to life and be like "what the fuck!". Honestly wouldn't you be the least bit curious?

3. If I was a big business executive I wouldn't give a fuck what the window boy is doing.

With the main antagonist a big business man who is the boss of the protagonist a window boy there are several small logistical flaws with the antagonist's pursuit of the protagonist.

In other words.

Since when does high level management care about what the window boy is doing? Well at least not enough to personally watch his every move in attempt to catch him doing... something? I wouldn't have the bumbling security guard spy on the window boy nor I want reports on what the stock boy is doing. I would do what every compassionate businessman would do... I'd fire his ass. Problem solved.

4. I would fire the window boy for wearing the merchandise instead of doing his job.

So the major plot in the movie revolves around the cat and mouse chase between Andrew McCarthy and James Spader. Spader is the store's vice president and he's trying catch McCarthy doing something sketchy and McCarthy is trying to keep his uhh. "love affair" secret. McCarthy is a window dresser, he's paid to dress mannequins and place them in the window not try on the merchandise and spread whatever dirty STD he has to merchandise you might eventually buy. And yes he probably has at least one STD after all he fucks mannequins... or tries to at least.

5. Check for vagina.

Alright before I'd do anything at all, even before finding out the mannequin could come to life I would check for a vagina. Come on like you wouldn't? If there was no vagina I'd outfit her with a rubber one from the adult section and hope for the best.

6. Do some blow with Hollywood.

They never quiet admit Hollywood is on coke but it's pretty easy to put the pieces together. Hollywood is affluent, flamboyant, dressed like Ray Charles on LSD, very excitable, and it's the 80's. Of course Hollywood does blow and honestly the stuff he gets must be amazing stuff.

7. Give her breast implants.

Kim Catrell isn't exactly stacked but she could be. I run over to the hardware department and grab some plastic putty and fill a D cup with it. After slapping that bad boy on her I'd snap my fingers and pray for boobs. Hell if that works I'd probably even make her a second set on her back.

8. Write A letter to penthouse

Instead of writing what I would do which would include the phrase "wheelbarrow style amputee sex" many, many times I decided to write a Penthouse letter of what actually happens in the movie Mannequin.

Dear Penthouse,

I started this job working in a department store recently. One night I was working alone overnight and discovered that one of the mannequins comes to life as beautiful young girl. She said she would do anything and I mean anything if I kept her secret. She was totally at my sexual mercy. So we danced around and tried on hats. The end.


Just for posterity I did a write up of what it would say on the back of video if Mannequin was made my way.

Jonathan Switcher is a deadbeat who calls the plastic life size women he makes "art". After the real world crushed this fucked up pervert's sick dreams he decides to sell his favorite woman to a department store as a mannequin where he gets a job setting up window displays. One night after doing some really great blow with his flaming colorblind coworker Hollywood his favorite mannequin comes to life as a real woman. During the next few days he modifies the mannequin woman in several ways including breast implants, back boobs, and even removing her legs for hot wheelbarrow style amputee sex. One day the evil vice president of the store suspects Switcher of something strange.. So he fires Switcher's ass sight unseen later discovering security camera footage of Switcher trying on merchandise and sexually defiling the mannequins.

Legalize It!..... Stabbing That Is.

With the legalization of marijuana on the stoned minds of the nation (when they aren't caught up in the plot of a Scooby Doo episode they're watching) and Portugal's wildly successful legalization of all drugs five years ago it looks like it's time to start looking for something new to legalize.

As a humble and deviant thinker I have taken this task upon myself. Now I live in a state in which everything fun is illegal and considered to be one these least free states in the nation so it's hard to think of a cause that has mass appeal (as opposed to local appeal, like legalizing fireworks and no longer forcing people to pay ludicrously high car insurance rates, Geico won't even touch this state).

But what? Gay marriage...... I consider this a non-issue, legalizing it nationwide would help the economy and be the just plain sensible thing to do but someone already started that campaign. Post-Birth abortion? ..... I don't think we're quite ready to face that one head on.

We need something dangerous (because everything fun and cool is dangerous) but also not necessarily fatal. Something the likes of Darwin or satirist Jonathan Swift would be proud of...... I've got it!... Stabbing!

That's right legalize stabbing people. Stabbing isn't always fatal but still pretty dangerous.... and cool! Alright it's time to list off some fun facts (and I loosely use the word "facts" but no more loosely than someone who would quote the Bible as "fact")

Stabbing Fun Fact #1: Most People Who Get Stabbed Deserve It!

Though there has been no official scientific study on the matter in many cases of stabbing the victim did something to piss off the stabber. Of course data is rather tough to acquire because some pansies find it inappropriate to ask stabbing victims in the ER "did you do anything to deserve the stabbing you received today?" along with proof of health insurance. Look at it this way, if someone wants to hurt you so bad they're willing to stab you, you probably did something really bad to them and chances are you deserve it.

Stabbing Fun Fact #2: Stabbing Isn't Always Fatal!

How often do hear about a stabbing on the news? If you live in my neighborhood pretty much weekly. Does everyone die from being stabbed? No! In most cases it takes being stabbed many times to get hit fatally (unless you're dealing with a professional and experienced stabber).

Stabbing Fun Fact #3: Legalizing Stabbing Will Help The Economy!

Between the costs of knives, medical attention and the emerging industry of "stab proof clothing" stabbing is a cash cow industry. Also the occasional "accidental" stabbing death will create some cash for the funeral industry! (Legal Disclaimer: Stabbing is in no way meant to harm, maim, or kill if done responsibly by a trained stabbing professional)

Stabbing Fun Fact #4: It's A Feel Good Fun Time!

Nothing is more relaxing than a long stabbing on the beach, with no mention of sex or drugs it can also be a wholesome family friendly activity too! It's also a great way to blow off some steam!

Stabbing Fun Fact #5: Stabbing Is A Victimless Crime!

Most people who claim to be "Stabbing Victims" are really just career victims who are simply blaming being stabbed for their shortcomings in the not being stabbed area of their lives. Chances are they instigated being stabbed by being a difficult customer or chronically falling on knives like celebrities they see on television.

Okay now we need a stabbing related holiday..... Anyone know when O.J. Simpson's birthday is?

Stab, Stab, Stabb'n At Heaven's Door - Dr. Intoxicated

The media doesn't care what I eat for lunch (because I'm not an elitist President)

I don't get a lunch because I'm chef. I make you lunch for a living. But if I did eat lunch would cnn, msnbc, fox, and a slew of other media outlets report it?

Probably not, unless it was several newborns in a scene of shocking cannibalism or I was President Obama. Yes that's right the media has sunk to reporting Obama's lunch. In fact an average of 20 minutes was spent discussing thouroughly his purchase of a hamburger and his selection of condiments. For the most part it was just a mediocre farce of journalism (unless they see this whole thing through and report on the resulting bowel movement, I smell Pulitzer or something just as foul). Of course Fox had a slightly different spin on the matter suggesting that Obama's request for mustard on his hamburger was "elitist" referencing grey poupon commercials (yes I am serious).

I wonder if Fox was ready with a defamatory response for every possible condiment Obama may have ordered?

For example:

Saurkraut: Facist Obama's stomach sympathizes with nazis

Ketchup: Obama's attempt to quench negro blood lust

Relish: Obama's desire to be constantly "pickled"

Imagine if he ordered a hot dog instead?

"Obama swallows sausage, is his homosexual behavior bringing satan back to earth?"

Well at least he didn't use Oprah's coupon to get some free KFC. The would be a Fox wet dream. America's first black president stuffing his face with KFC.... Anne Coulter just blew a testicle out thinking about it.

I just hope in the future Obama orders some deviled eggs or devil's food cake so America's religious zealots will all simultaneously die of aneurisms screaming "I knew he was the anti-christ!".