Questions A Fox News Viewer Has For President Obama After The State Of The Union Address

With all the choices of stations to watch the state of the union address on one was noticeably absent. The spin zone, America's most popular news station. Though I'm sure the address was just ploy to brainwash you into growing a Hitler mustache and having gay sex I'm sure there are a few things real Americans want to know. I have compiled a list and if the President does not respond to my tiny insignificant blog that he will probably never see it is clearly a conspiracy. Guilty until proven innocent just like the bill of rights says. (President Obama, if you do answer these questions don't use none of your fancy magic queer speak with the big words like that Dennis Miller fruit please.)

Do you know your skin a different color than mine?

How do you intend to un-darkity your skin like that there Micheal Jackson done did?

Now are you going to make our babies gay before you grill and cannonbalize them?

As a gay homo crossdressing Commie/Nazi do you wear mostly red dresses like the commies or olive drab like the Nazis?

When you come to turn me gay will you be a gentle lover?

When you’re socialize my house with your evil socialism can I live in the part with the toilet?

Will you have the gun manufacturers make color coated guns so the gay soldiers don’t clash?

House many human skins will you need for the new drapes in your evil office?

If I put the lotion in the basket will I get the hose again? I need a new hose.

I ain’t a racist but could you maybe lynch yourself, maybe feel free to say some racist stuff, Brett Favre is play’n tonight and I got my welfare check on the game.

How many light beers equal a regular one? I want to know before you ban all but sissy light and ultra-light beer.

When you close all the banks will that mean the sperm banks too? That’s how I make my beer money.

Since you are the antichrist and to be antichrist you have to believe in Christ does that make you a Christian?

Why do you hate America and want to kill god?

Is “science spending” some commie nazi liberal words for “pay’n monkeys to evolve so they can take over earth and bury the statue of liberty”?

How many times a week do you and Hitler ride over the graves in Arlington National cemetery on a seatless tandem bicycle?

Is it true that your army of obamatron robots can be repelled by a $700 anti-obamatron spray sold only on Pat Robertson’s hotline?

Why did you shoot Abe Lincoln? Was it because he put you people out of work… I kind of understand that.

When you eliminate all the jobs in America and enslave us all by enforcing your fancy bill o’rights …. Well what will us slaves have to do… like after the jobs are all gone?

Tell Jew Biden to stop murdering my Jesus!

How many fully erect penises will be featured on your new communist American flag? I say 13.

How long do I have before you use your un-American first amendment to ban Juggs magazine, and when will the last issue come out?

How will we nuke the whales with your fancy green energy?

When you ban white people and throw us in camps will you start with the pale ones like the Irish? Also I enjoy T-ball can my death camp have T-ball?

With all due respect America wants know you, evil gay robot nazi Mr. President!

Theme Park Haiti!

Right now efforts to send aid to the people of Haiti are in full effect. Aid that could have been used long before mother Earth found out she had a big booty and decided to shake it all over their little Caribbean island (She heard on BET that black men liked the big booty, unfortunately hers was just too big for even a million black men). After engrossing myself in the horrific footage and hearing of all the major aid efforts I thought “great, hopefully Haiti will end up in a better position than before” then I thought “wait, whenever America helps a poor country it’s usually because they have some resource we can steal from them.” I decided to take a look at the economy of Haiti and their geographic and mineral wealth. It goes as follows 80% of Haitians are below the poverty line and it’s not because they’re a limbo enthusiast nation like Jamaica, 66% of Haitians do sustenance farming, leaving an economy of mostly service and industrial workers. Haiti makes around 11 billion a year which less than Bill Gates spends on anime porn. Roughly 2/3 of the population does not have formal jobs and their biggest export which makes up 52% of all exports is cheap sweatshop clothing. So it’s accurate to refer to Haiti as “The novelty T-shirt producing nation of the Caribbean”. Hell I bet half the shitty “Jamaican me crazy” shirts are made in Haiti.

As far as minerals and resources go they have very limited amounts of gold, probably less gold than is in 50 Cent’s Hello Kitty fanny pack. Also they have bauxite, a fairly common type of aluminum ore which is the equivalent of mining for aluminum cans in the trash can of a shopping mall but probably less profitable (for the Haitians). Also Haiti is known as the poorest and most violent country in the Caribbean, unfortunately unlike America, Haiti just hasn’t figured out how make money by exporting violence effectively. So with no real resources to plunder from Haiti except maybe an “America Gave Aid To Haiti And All We Got Were These Lousy T-Shirts” shirt chances are America’s interest and aid will dry up quicker than a WASP’s vagina when you tell her your Rolex is a fake.

Now let’s get serious for a moment why is it after we give aid to poor countries they are still poor? Is it because of third world debt repayment… Well a bit. But mostly because our aid is short sighted it does not go to establishing sustainable economies. A sustainable economy is what we need in Haiti. Of course how do you develop a sustainable economy in an area with practically no resources, tons of crime, and an assload of novelty t-shirts?.....

Sounds kind of like a Florida. You know what Florida did? They built a shit load of cheesy theme parks. You know another place that had absolutely nothing but crime and flat land? Las Vegas. It was a worthless desert 100 years ago, the Jews didn’t even want to wander around in it.

Most Caribbean nations have some type of legalized gambling and some cities have full casino gambling so why not have Haiti go full out. It’s not like gambling will attract crime, I mean you could either be poor with crime or be less poor with crime. Haiti has beaches, sun, lax legal standards, and cheap labor I can see a variety of people and companies that would be more than interested in doing business there.

Though I’m not suggesting anything I had few ideas for attractions/theme parks in Haiti.

McDonald Land: All your lovable McDonald’s characters and food provided by the dirt cheap labor McDonald’s is known for, if that fails it can be sold to Michael McDonald re-themed and treated like a yacht rock version of Gitmo.

Astleywood: Very similar to Dollywood but themed after Rick Astley, if that doesn’t work we can simply cover the sign with something that says “Hot Nude Girls” or “Super Fun World” then right after they pay the admission they enter to hear “Never Gonna Give You Up” blasting. No Refunds.

Fox News’ Perfect America: A theme park based on all the ass backwards ideals proposed on Fox News. Whites only (except the native Haitian workers), No women, no gays, no booze, tons of guns, Christianity! No medical treatment, common roads, electricity, running water, all resources privately owned with no regulation, no labor laws, and no laws protecting you or your rights…. Actually it sounds a bit like how Haiti already is.

Something derived from a Japanese game show: Panty machines on every corner! Get randomly electrocuted! Have people shout things in unison at you! Japan Rules.

Mis-Appropriated Aid Funds Land: Regardless of what goes on this theme is sure to come up in the next few weeks, every time there is an ill in the world or a cause some unscrupulous group decides to take advantage of your kindness with an ersatz charity/tax dodge. Usually it’s Pat Robertson but this time the big gun has bowed out and let some of the young bucks take the big bucks. If you wish to avoid donating to this theme park go to Direct Relief I heard about them on Reddit.

I’m sure you guys have plenty of Haitian Theme Park/Casino ideas/Etcetera. Don’t be afraid to comment I’m a lonely creepy man and I’m aroused sexually by your hatemail.

I Present You With The Most Powerful Media Company In The World!

If I was to ask most people who the most powerful newspaper is chances are I’d get answers like “The New York Times”, “The Wall Street Journal”, or “Whoever has the most Jews working for them”. Seemingly normal and novel answers to my question… Which is why it is clearly a conspiracy!

If you have television or access to a cable ready kinetiscope you’ll notice within the last year that there has been an exponential increase in pseudoscience programming. History, Discovery, Animal Planet, TLC (which used to mainly deal with the freakishly and hilariously obese and flipper babies), Scifi, and various other stations have jammed their lineups full of shows about Ghosts, UFO’s, Conspiracy Theories, Monster Hunting, Psychic babies, the existence of angels, programs featuring culinary throwback Guy Fieri, and Fox News theories about President Obama.

It seems like once legitimate stations (with the exception of Fox News, who were never legitimate.) have been taken over, not by aliens but by…. You guessed it, The Weekly World News!
My conspiracy goes like this (note: By using the word “conspiracy” it informs people that my half assed crazy rant is legitimate journalism worth reading.) The Weekly World News known to most people as “the crazy black and white tabloid with Aliens shaking hands with presidents” mysteriously disappeared from supermarkets in the year 2007. They claim it was because they weren’t making money any more but how could a company that knows a real life King Midas, A goose who actually lays golden eggs, and a potion made from honey and cayenne pepper that can change anything into a diamond and grant everlasting youth have problems with money? Exactly.. Something fishy is going on here and it isn’t fish girl’s vagina.
Honestly don’t you think an organization with enough clout to get exclusive photos of meetings between aliens and the President or exclusive interviews with an incognito Elvis has enough clout and blackmail to get a billion dollar bailout? I mean a bunch of bankers got billions of tax dollars for claiming the economy would collapse if their handful of people didn’t get bonuses and they didn’t even have pictures of Nancy Pelosi golfing with batboy!

The Weekly World News decided to secretly go underground and take control of American media. Sick of naïve programs that promoted discovery and technology without mentioning that aliens are responsible for everything from ipods to the common toilet brush they decided to cut those programs to focus more on the real scientists and adventurers, aliens. Next came these so called “history” programs, they were over thought and unnecessary. Visiting historic sites, investigating historic texts? All unnecessary when you can simply just hunt down ghosts and ask them about the past! Unfortunately ghosts are mysterious assholes who like to fuck with people appearing as common occurrences that are easily explained logically like “wind chill” and “using crappy electricians”. Noticing that Animal Planet had been completely ignoring speculative cryptozoology to focus on “real animals” they decided it was time to search for bigfoot instead focusing on real animals and their really cool evolutionary adaptations. With all of these major knowledge groups out of the way they decided to bring in the heavy guns to cover the rest… I’m talking about psychic kids. Hell they’re psychic they already know everything. Yes everything, just very vaguely. It’s like asking a Republican about specific policies.
Yes America the Weekly World News is alive and well (they should be they have a miracle potion made out of cayenne pepper and honey) and controlling the media. Watch your ass Wolfe Blitzer soon you’ll be replaced with Werewolf Blitzer and Tom Brokaw’s ass will be replaced with the ghost of Edward R. Murrow. Major League Baseball, watch out! We know about the angels in the outfield helping you rig games…

I’d like to wish Elvis a happy belated 75th birthday and I hope that batboy comic strip creator Pete Bagge finally has enough clout to get the animated version of “Hate!” on tv.

-Dr. Intoxicated

Please Loot Green This Martin Luther King Day!

Martin Luther King Jr. undeniably a great and eloquent man. A man who spoke for change in America and the world for the better, which is fairly unusual (instead of speaking for a change in long distance carriers or diet soft drinks). A man who truly is deserving of a national holiday. Unfortunately Dr. King’s holiday and all streets containing his name have become associated with one thing… Pride… No just joking I’m talking about looting. Though I am not familiar with all of Dr. King’s speeches and texts and I could be wrong here I do not recall him mentioning that he enjoyed looting. Maybe in a lost page of Dr. King’s last will and testament he explained “Yo, if whitey caps my ass I want a holiday and on that holiday to celebrate unity and peace and reasoning I want motherfuckers go out and loot as much shit as they can, oh and get high as fuck when you’re doing that.. Peace.”. Listen I’m not here judge how you like to celebrate the life of Dr. King, whether it be by listening to his speeches, holding a fundraising event, sitting on your ass playing xbox, or looting $400 Nike MLK edition high top sneakers it’s your choice.

Though many people celebrate by doing the former I would like to address those who celebrate by doing the latter. I’m talking looters. Listen I’m not here to pass judgment on you and be like “you’re giving Dr. King a bad name”. No I realize if you’re going to loot you’re going to loot. I just ask that this year you take ¾ of a second to think about the environment. I often see looters on tv racing down the street with big flat screen tv’s and think “do they know that model uses as much energy as a large refrigerator?”. I mean sure you just looted a 42 inch plasma screen but in the long run you’ll end up paying for it in electric bills! Instead I’d like to suggest looting LCD TV’s instead they use less electricity than their plasma counterparts and the display is just as good. Also in the realm of electronics and appliances let’s look at some of the big ticket items. I know in past if a looter wanted to take a refrigerator or dishwasher they’d flip through their trusty copy of consumer reports and compare models to find the ones that were the most energy efficient. Some of the younger looters however don’t know the value of a dollar and can’t be bothered to do their research and end up just grabbing the shiniest models. Well society has accounted for your laziness an inability to think ahead by placing Energy Star stickers on appliances that use minimal energy. So next time you go to hoist a new refrigerator into the back of a pickup truck you backed through the display window take a second to look for that Energy Star sticker after all it’s a lot of work stealing a refrigerator so you might as well steal a good one.

Motorized vehicle theft is big on looting holidays now most of you are looking for the escalades or the hummers simply because you see them in videos and on tv. A hummer is fool’s gold I say (and not that awful, awful movie with Matthew Macconaughey ) hummer’s are a big gas guzzling slow moving vehicle. What’s the point of stealing a car that costs $100 to fill the gas tank up? I mean you’d have to steal gas like 4-5 times a week, that’s simply inefficient. Also who needs a car that will run out of gas during a high speed police chase? Instead consider stealing a hybrid, Honda has a great line of hybrid vehicles from sedans to suv’s also because of the stereotypes associated with black people driving Escalades the racist police are sure to pull you over. However a black guy driving a Prius on the other hand… will still probably get pulled over by the police. Also hybrid cars get more miles to the gallon so if you get in a high speed chase chances are the cops will run out of gas before you!

Now I know this is a big step but if you are looting forms of transportation maybe you should consider looting yourself a bicycle. I know it may not be the coolest vehicle and people will probably shout words like “homo” at you and that “chickenheaded gold digg’n hoes won’t give you no time on no bicycle” but there are some good reasons to loot a bicycle this Martin Luther King day. I’m not saying you should loot a bicycle instead of a new car, I’m saying you should loot a bicycle in addition to a new car. In fact you should steal a new that has a bike rack on it. Bicycles are great transportation, they don’t require gas or insurance (not that you’d get insurance anyway, you can’t really steal insurance) and is great exercise. Bikes provide quick transportation and good exercise especially when trying to make quick escapes in crowded areas. Sure drive by’s will be tricky at first but in time you’ll get better and you can proudly ride your bike along making victims out of innocent bystanders knowing that one person will not be your victim today.. That person? Mother Nature!

Stop Whaling! Dolphins Are The Real Threat!

With the apprehension of earning the praise of asinine organizations like PETA and Greenpeace I have to say that I actually agree that we should stop whaling. Whaling is cruel, barely necessary, culturally significant to cultures that aren’t American, slightly amusing, and a bunch of other things I like but it’s really not worth it. Whales are big clunky animals who mean us no harm in fact they even had a cameo role in Star Trek 4. No, whales are jolly and sometimes pretty cool, I mean narwhals are like the unicorns of the sea (except not jerks like real unicorns) and sperm whales are amazing they can control the thickness of the oil stored in their bodies like central oil heating (also between sperm whales and seamen I have no shortage of nautical sexual innuendos.). Whales aren’t worth hunting… Not when dolphins are still plaguing our oceans with their incessant squealing inspiring Avril Lavigne to continue her singing career.

I know some of you are thinking “but whales are huge they could crush us with their tails! They’re like a less annoying version Rosie O’Donnel”. Don’t worry I’ve thought it out and have compiled a list of reasons to stop whaling and start dolphining.

1. Whales are huge and have trouble maneuvering in small spaces. Dolphins on the other hand are small and agile, they can easily maneuver our streams, sewers, and swimming pools. Dolphins can pretty much fit anywhere that humans can aquatically that means they can infiltrate our water supplies with their tuna stink.

2. Dolphins can maneuver slightly better on land than whales. Whales cannot maneuver on land at all in fact land = death to a whale. Whales can easily be escaped by simply leaving the water. Dolphins are slightly more mobile on land, not as mobile as seals (don’t get me started on the seals, if they were smarter they’d be a threat but they are mere pawns in the dolphin’s aquatic game of chess). Dolphins aren’t much more mobile than whales but they can learn which brings me to number 3.

3. Dolphins are cunning (smart) they’ve learned how to recognize human speech, differentiate between objects, have complex problem solving skills, original thinking, and have a complex language. How long will it be before they realize they can simply seize hoveround chairs from our elderly and lazy and gain mobility on land? I mean with the Americans with disabilities act making it illegal not to be wheelchair accessible the dolphins will be unstoppable. Whales also exhibit these characteristics but are so much more jolly and likable and can only fit in some hoveround chairs.

4. Dolphins have tried to mate with our women… and men. Dolphins, particularly captive dolphins have been seen sexually assaulting humans indiscriminately. If dolphins are successful in breeding with our women our society will be flooded with human/dolphin hybrids that mostly resemble Zack Braff and Rene Zellwegger (except less retarded looking than either). Also the dolphins that enjoy humping men or “gay dolphins” will piss off the evangelical nuts and Fox News will be yammering incessantly about how “gay dolphins are destroying the sanctity of bestiality”.

5. Dolphins are power hungry. Think they have free reign over the oceans which make up most of the Earth’s surface. How long will it be before they decide they want the land too?

6. Dolphins are fast, they’re fast and sneaky.

7. Dolphins have sonar which means they can attack while our visibility is poor and since they are fast and agile they can attack before we notice them lurking.

8. They are resistant to waterboarding. How can we get information about the future onslaught if we can’t waterboard the information out of them? Yes it is possible but most likely they would just click and squeal dolphin epithets at their captors.

9. They’re taking our tuna! Who want to eat krill? Not us, but pan seared pistachio crusted tuna or tuna sashimi? Those bastards are eating my dinner!

10. The most evil reason of all for dolphining. Dolphins inspire more airbrushed t-shirts and velvet paintings in Florida than any other animal. Scary huh? This reason alone is good enough to eliminate an entire species. That species? The people of Florida.. But there are some legal issues with that.

So stop whaling, you’re wasting your time, dolphins are the real threat.