America has a food crisis that concerns our future generations. No I’m not talking about the rampant popularity the food network’s answer to Fred Durst a decade too late and too lame Guy Fieri and I’m not talking about childhood obesity caused mostly by lazy parenting. I will say that deficient parenting is part of the predicament but in this case it is the solution and not the problem.
Anyone who has ever watched the Maury show knows that there is at least 12 seasons of unwanted pregnancies crawling around out there and that’s just those lucky/dumb enough to end up on Maury. Face it with the human population out of control and worse parenting than ever we have a crisis. In fact the major cause of pollution and global warming is overpopulation, think about all the extra cows that must be raised and crops to feed them.
One of the less popular but more novel ideas is to shift our food source towards microproteins which is a euphemism for eating bugs. Though looked at as weird in the U.S. it is extremely common in other countries like Indonesia and probably Canada if we hold them in a full nelson and shove bugs in their “ay-holes”. Sure in eating cockroaches is a novel idea if you live in places like New York City or Sarah Palin’s vagina but what about places that aren’t filthy and devoid of intelligent life?
If only there was some way to cure the food crisis and reduce population at the same time?
If you can’t guess where I’m headed with this you’ve never ever read anything I’ve written or even looked at the photoshop at the top of the article. So let’s just do a quick analysis of pros.
1. As A Food Source- Babies are juicy and tender like veal and only the size of a chicken and can easily be produced at home (but not raised). Through the incompetent lazy people at the FDA have yet to release or look into producing a nutrition facts sticker for babies by weight you can assume they are high in protein and iron and low in fat. So basically eating a baby it healthier than anything sold at McDonald’s and far less globally destructive.
2. Economically - Instead of paying thousands to raise these unwanted children we could earn money by selling them for food. Why buy birth control of condoms or even get them free when you could be irresponsible and get paid for it? Maury would be off air as no one would care anymore who the father is or the father would go on the show to find out he could get a cut of the sale. Also it will fuel the epicurean industry with sales of rotisseries, and tools to crack the soft spot in their head open like a lobster. When unwanted pregnancies become a delicacy suddenly restaurants in poor neighborhoods (close to the source of a lot of unwanted pregnancies) will be haute cuisine fueling the local economy!
3. No religious objections – While you’ll get constant objections to condom distribution, sex education, abortion there has been no documentation suggesting God is against killing fully developed actual babies.. God has no problem with baby killing but hates abortion because of the lack of suffering, he wants that baby to suffer just a little bit before he offs them, also the woman giving birth suffers, as long as there is suffering God is down. In fact there are numerous occurrences in the Bible in which God wants a child dead. Here are a couple examples (paraphrased in dialogue)
To King Solomon
God to Solomon – hey man cut a baby in half
Solomon - Ah I see the true mother would rather give it up than see it harmed!
God – yeah sure dude, sounds good to me.
To Abraham
God – Yo Abraham, do me a favor, go kill that first born son of yours
Abraham – Ah to test my faith!
God- yeah… something like that.
To Moses
Moses – God the Pharaoh won’t release my people from bondage!
God – Alright man cool, I’ll just kill all the first born sons in Egypt and…
Moses – Whoa man, hold up, isn’t that a bit harsh, I was thinking more like sending down some lightning and scaring him into freeing us or maybe a plague or two but this is a bit far.
God – Don’t tell me how to do my job, dick. Man if I hear one more complaint out of you Jews….
So in other words Bon Appetite you defiliating dapifers! Just don’t listen to Food Network when preparing your infantile indulgence or 9 months of hard work will literally end up a culinary abortion.
