Religious intolerance has gotten out of control. Certain shows and internet sites think it’s funny to post pictures of the Prophet despite it being against my religious law which has no bearing on anything unless I lash out like a psychopath and attack you for doing so or as in most cases our regional religious rival who have everything to gain from our downfall commits said acts and claims to be staunch believers in the Prophet despite being funded by our Zubat rivals.
Just this week I’ve seen the prophet depicted in pieces (combo as it’s called), on women’s breasts, and even in leather like some sort of BSDM.
THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
The Prophet Slowhammed will not be disrespected, nor will the Islowmic religion. Even in mass media the prophet is parodied as an idiot, the breme creators of the show “Pokemon” have even used a bumbling version of the prophet as a side character even going as far as to include him as a playable character in videogames often misrepresenting his transcendental evolution as a farcical idiotic happenstance.
For you idiots who believe this “Pokemon” bullshit I will clear up a few things about the Prophet Slowhammed.
1. He is not stupid, he simply takes time to thoroughly analyze the problem before speaking and referring you back to the only true divine answer which is “Slowpoke”.
2. Slowhammed’s First Evolution was not by some bumbling accident in which he dangled his tail accidently in the water and it was bit by a malapert shellder. No the Prophet had sat for many months meditating over worldly matters, realizing that for true peace and earthly unification he must present himself as a martyr to the dwellers of the sea so that land and sea may be joined in holy unity. The shellder an apostle of what the prophet’s tail could teach him begrudgingly agreed to this union knowing that despite the pain it would cause the prophet it would allow the message of unity through martyrdom permeate the land and sea. The Prophet reached out with his mighty posterior appendage and lifted the creature of the sea into the light saving him with his infinite kindness.
3. Slowbro, brother to all: Now on hind legs the time for sitting and meditating was over. He was to walk upright and spread the message of brotherly love and introspection the best he knew how (with his infinite knowledge) he knew his message must be short and simple or the commoners would reject it. And in the gospel it is written as “Slowbro”. Slow as in introspective, thought out and Bro as in brother, so “Introspective Brother”. As he traveled he learned, from the Lapras he learned Icebeam, Focus Punch from the Hitmonchan , and so on. Finally prepared to seek his thrown calm yet bold in his knowledge of the elements Slowbro knew it was time to no longer be a brother to all to take his right place of power.
4. The Ascent of the Slowking: Though blasphemers would have you believe that the slowwitted Prophet decided to place the shellder on his head like a crown unaware of its poisonous LSD like toxins that seeped into the Prophet’s brain driving him mad and making him believe he was some great monarch the real story is that of the ages. Slowbro brother to all began his ascent to king’s rock for his final meditation and to assume control of the kingdom of heaven however the shellder grew jealous of the prophet, the prophet knew this but remained loyal to his apostle. When the time had come to elevate himself onto the king’s rock Slowbro realized that the shellder’s jealousy in feeling of inequality was weighing him down. Instead of shedding the pathetic meek sea dweller Slowbro instead did what all great leaders do for their loyal slaves, he elevated him from the tail to his head allowing greater mental, physical, and cosmic balance as he embraced the king’s rock and his new kingdom.
5. The jealous Zu and Golbats became jealous of the prophet who took the king’s rock which was once theirs (before being pushed off it dozens of times by tougher pokemon and occasionally getting it back with moves like “confusion” and the whiny “Supersonic”). The Zu and Golbats tricked other pokemon into giving them TM’s often using “confusion”, “supersonic”, and secretly using “payday” (they know it but will lie if you ask about it) so they could wage war on the Prophet and take his King’s Rock which was really of no use to them. The Slowking a peaceful creature was besieged and finally knocked unconscious with no berries, potions, or Pokemon centers nearby he collapsed for the last time and ascended to heaven.
I pity those of you who could insult such a great heroic savior, such a wise peaceful Prophet who only wants you to love and do exactly what he says as his immortal slaves or be killed by someone who does. Religion no matter how fictional and illogical deserves your tolerance and respect because we will kill you to prove we are logically superior and attack and declare your “science” wrong because we don’t feel like understanding it and we will show it no respect as we depend on it to live every day. Feel our infinite love through death if you disagree!
NOW I MUST ASK YOU THE QUESTION OF YOUR LIFE DO YOU EMBRACE SCIENCE OR ARE YOU A SLOWPOKE?
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