A Swift And Delicious Proposal....

America has a food crisis that concerns our future generations. No I’m not talking about the rampant popularity the food network’s answer to Fred Durst a decade too late and too lame Guy Fieri and I’m not talking about childhood obesity caused mostly by lazy parenting. I will say that deficient parenting is part of the predicament but in this case it is the solution and not the problem.

Anyone who has ever watched the Maury show knows that there is at least 12 seasons of unwanted pregnancies crawling around out there and that’s just those lucky/dumb enough to end up on Maury. Face it with the human population out of control and worse parenting than ever we have a crisis. In fact the major cause of pollution and global warming is overpopulation, think about all the extra cows that must be raised and crops to feed them.

One of the less popular but more novel ideas is to shift our food source towards microproteins which is a euphemism for eating bugs. Though looked at as weird in the U.S. it is extremely common in other countries like Indonesia and probably Canada if we hold them in a full nelson and shove bugs in their “ay-holes”. Sure in eating cockroaches is a novel idea if you live in places like New York City or Sarah Palin’s vagina but what about places that aren’t filthy and devoid of intelligent life?

If only there was some way to cure the food crisis and reduce population at the same time?

If you can’t guess where I’m headed with this you’ve never ever read anything I’ve written or even looked at the photoshop at the top of the article. So let’s just do a quick analysis of pros.

1. As A Food Source- Babies are juicy and tender like veal and only the size of a chicken and can easily be produced at home (but not raised). Through the incompetent lazy people at the FDA have yet to release or look into producing a nutrition facts sticker for babies by weight you can assume they are high in protein and iron and low in fat. So basically eating a baby it healthier than anything sold at McDonald’s and far less globally destructive.

2. Economically - Instead of paying thousands to raise these unwanted children we could earn money by selling them for food. Why buy birth control of condoms or even get them free when you could be irresponsible and get paid for it? Maury would be off air as no one would care anymore who the father is or the father would go on the show to find out he could get a cut of the sale. Also it will fuel the epicurean industry with sales of rotisseries, and tools to crack the soft spot in their head open like a lobster. When unwanted pregnancies become a delicacy suddenly restaurants in poor neighborhoods (close to the source of a lot of unwanted pregnancies) will be haute cuisine fueling the local economy!

3. No religious objections – While you’ll get constant objections to condom distribution, sex education, abortion there has been no documentation suggesting God is against killing fully developed actual babies.. God has no problem with baby killing but hates abortion because of the lack of suffering, he wants that baby to suffer just a little bit before he offs them, also the woman giving birth suffers, as long as there is suffering God is down. In fact there are numerous occurrences in the Bible in which God wants a child dead. Here are a couple examples (paraphrased in dialogue)

To King Solomon

God to Solomon – hey man cut a baby in half

Solomon - Ah I see the true mother would rather give it up than see it harmed!

God – yeah sure dude, sounds good to me.

To Abraham

God – Yo Abraham, do me a favor, go kill that first born son of yours

Abraham – Ah to test my faith!

God- yeah… something like that.

To Moses

Moses – God the Pharaoh won’t release my people from bondage!

God – Alright man cool, I’ll just kill all the first born sons in Egypt and…

Moses – Whoa man, hold up, isn’t that a bit harsh, I was thinking more like sending down some lightning and scaring him into freeing us or maybe a plague or two but this is a bit far.

God – Don’t tell me how to do my job, dick. Man if I hear one more complaint out of you Jews….

So in other words Bon Appetite you defiliating dapifers! Just don’t listen to Food Network when preparing your infantile indulgence or 9 months of hard work will literally end up a culinary abortion.

How To Make An Indy Movie Soundtrack

The reason most people remember indy movies is because many of them have great soundtracks, no matter how awful the actual movie is (I.E. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, even Kate Dennings supple chested pederast appeal couldn’t help this hipster quagmire despite Michael Cera’s stunning performance as a Woody Allen blow up doll with a slow leak)

1. The Underrated Older Mass Appeal Song - This is your most important song, your hook. You need a popular song from an old school band that still has indy cred, The Cure, The Smiths, The Pixies, Echo and The Bunny Men, New Order, Joy Division. This is essential as it’s what convinces people to listen to your soundtrack and probably watch your bad movie. It’s important the song is melancholy so people know your movie is” deep” and that if people don’t like it they just don’t “get” it.

2. The Fringe Popular Songs - Get a couple popular bands that haven’t really broken into the mainstream so they still seem cool to everyone but the most ironic of hipsters (who still love them secretly and not ironically). Wilco, Morningwood, and The Strokes are all good examples. You have to show the audience that “yeah we get you, we think you’re cool, and we’re cool to let’s be cool together and sit in a coffee shop sipping lattes pretending to be important on our laptops. Maybe we’ll grow soul patches and hit the urban outfitters later.” These are the non-threatening bands that are just catchy and obscure enough to get people to buy the album.

3. The Cover Song Done By Someone You’ve Never Heard Of - Now you need a cover song done by a relatively unknown artist. This will seal the deal. Take an older hit song and get a band to cover it. If it’s a fast song make it slow and acoustic, if it’s a slow song make it fast and electric. Take a Doris Day song and have a suicidal junky sing it, maybe do an electro-pop version of Frank Sinatra’s “What A Wonderful World”. The only real rule here is do not make sad songs happy and no hardcore, thrash, metal etc.. Also avoid long obnoxious techno and anything that can be associated with non-white people. You don’t want to scare them off.

4. Foreign Language Song - Either take a previously popular song and have someone perform it in either French, Italian, or Spanish or use a song that’s already in one of those languages. As long as it’s slow and acoustic no one will mind. The importance of this song is to appeal to people who want to pretend they are worldly and culturally educated and sensitive. The illusion that this film has made you and expert on foreign affairs because you’ve heard the Spanish version of “Our Lips Are Sealed”.

5. A Background Score Track - Package some background music in from whomever did your movie score. It’s filler but you can also use it to fleece the composer by promising them a percentage of the soundtrack sales instead of paying them outright.

6. Movie Dialogue Tracks - Two tracks with movie dialogue so they don’t forget it’s from your movie. After listening to the soundtrack enough people will forget how bad the movie was and go see it again either by renting or purchasing the DVD.

7. Some Shitty Song By Someone Related To The Movie – I could a song by the Production Assistant’s band or the Director’s half retarded nephew, the key is that it’s cheap, pleases someone at the study, and has never been heard outside a pot smoke filled basement full of the deadbeats producing it. This will show the hipsters you’re one of them, one of them worthless assholes who will still be a clerk at the record store 20 years from now.

8. The Sad Moral Struggle Song – I know its redundant mentioning this song as it’s usually covered by half the album already. A token depressing song that is almost always a sad “why did I screw up” love song. There is usually 3 or 4 of these on the soundtrack already in some form or another.

9. The Token “Let’s Have Fun/Party/Everything Will Be Alright” Song – This song is the upbeat one that says “hey a bunch of stuff happened but it’s all cool now so let’s all party”. So they spend all movie making you sad and confused but it’s all cool, no hard feelings, everything turned out pointless let’s party! After all you’ve become close to the characters, you care what happens to them now no matter how un-hip and un-cool it is to care about things that weren’t from childhood cartoons.

10. The Bonus Track – This can be any piece of crap you find, as long as it’s either goofy or sung by cast members, most likely both. It could be sassy and campy to highlight a totally unnecessary involving ancillary homosexual characters who were forced into the plot for diversity reasons in which they dance and sing into hairbrushes (as it is a common fact that all gay men dance and sing into hairbrushes, it’s just nature at work). Either way it’s going to be awful and not worth listening to unless it’s by either Wesley Willis or Daniel Johnston.

Now that my indy movie soundtrack is complete it’s time to go find retro things and ironically make them popular with hipsters again. Hey hipsters, aids was really popular during the 80’s maybe you should all get aids ironically! Come on it’ll make you even more pale and thin and unhealthy than going vegan and you can look like heroin addicts with none of the fun and incite that comes with doing heroin! Hooray for aids!

I Demand That No More Images Be Posted Of The Prophet.

Religious intolerance has gotten out of control. Certain shows and internet sites think it’s funny to post pictures of the Prophet despite it being against my religious law which has no bearing on anything unless I lash out like a psychopath and attack you for doing so or as in most cases our regional religious rival who have everything to gain from our downfall commits said acts and claims to be staunch believers in the Prophet despite being funded by our Zubat rivals.

Just this week I’ve seen the prophet depicted in pieces (combo as it’s called), on women’s breasts, and even in leather like some sort of BSDM.

THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

The Prophet Slowhammed will not be disrespected, nor will the Islowmic religion. Even in mass media the prophet is parodied as an idiot, the breme creators of the show “Pokemon” have even used a bumbling version of the prophet as a side character even going as far as to include him as a playable character in videogames often misrepresenting his transcendental evolution as a farcical idiotic happenstance.

For you idiots who believe this “Pokemon” bullshit I will clear up a few things about the Prophet Slowhammed.

1. He is not stupid, he simply takes time to thoroughly analyze the problem before speaking and referring you back to the only true divine answer which is “Slowpoke”.

2. Slowhammed’s First Evolution was not by some bumbling accident in which he dangled his tail accidently in the water and it was bit by a malapert shellder. No the Prophet had sat for many months meditating over worldly matters, realizing that for true peace and earthly unification he must present himself as a martyr to the dwellers of the sea so that land and sea may be joined in holy unity. The shellder an apostle of what the prophet’s tail could teach him begrudgingly agreed to this union knowing that despite the pain it would cause the prophet it would allow the message of unity through martyrdom permeate the land and sea. The Prophet reached out with his mighty posterior appendage and lifted the creature of the sea into the light saving him with his infinite kindness.

3. Slowbro, brother to all: Now on hind legs the time for sitting and meditating was over. He was to walk upright and spread the message of brotherly love and introspection the best he knew how (with his infinite knowledge) he knew his message must be short and simple or the commoners would reject it. And in the gospel it is written as “Slowbro”. Slow as in introspective, thought out and Bro as in brother, so “Introspective Brother”. As he traveled he learned, from the Lapras he learned Icebeam, Focus Punch from the Hitmonchan , and so on. Finally prepared to seek his thrown calm yet bold in his knowledge of the elements Slowbro knew it was time to no longer be a brother to all to take his right place of power.

4. The Ascent of the Slowking: Though blasphemers would have you believe that the slowwitted Prophet decided to place the shellder on his head like a crown unaware of its poisonous LSD like toxins that seeped into the Prophet’s brain driving him mad and making him believe he was some great monarch the real story is that of the ages. Slowbro brother to all began his ascent to king’s rock for his final meditation and to assume control of the kingdom of heaven however the shellder grew jealous of the prophet, the prophet knew this but remained loyal to his apostle. When the time had come to elevate himself onto the king’s rock Slowbro realized that the shellder’s jealousy in feeling of inequality was weighing him down. Instead of shedding the pathetic meek sea dweller Slowbro instead did what all great leaders do for their loyal slaves, he elevated him from the tail to his head allowing greater mental, physical, and cosmic balance as he embraced the king’s rock and his new kingdom.

5. The jealous Zu and Golbats became jealous of the prophet who took the king’s rock which was once theirs (before being pushed off it dozens of times by tougher pokemon and occasionally getting it back with moves like “confusion” and the whiny “Supersonic”). The Zu and Golbats tricked other pokemon into giving them TM’s often using “confusion”, “supersonic”, and secretly using “payday” (they know it but will lie if you ask about it) so they could wage war on the Prophet and take his King’s Rock which was really of no use to them. The Slowking a peaceful creature was besieged and finally knocked unconscious with no berries, potions, or Pokemon centers nearby he collapsed for the last time and ascended to heaven.

I pity those of you who could insult such a great heroic savior, such a wise peaceful Prophet who only wants you to love and do exactly what he says as his immortal slaves or be killed by someone who does. Religion no matter how fictional and illogical deserves your tolerance and respect because we will kill you to prove we are logically superior and attack and declare your “science” wrong because we don’t feel like understanding it and we will show it no respect as we depend on it to live every day. Feel our infinite love through death if you disagree!

NOW I MUST ASK YOU THE QUESTION OF YOUR LIFE DO YOU EMBRACE SCIENCE OR ARE YOU A SLOWPOKE?

LT then and now

What The Economy Needs.... More Cigarettes.

So the all mighty dollar is looking about as mighty as an MTV rapper without his security team. The U.S. dollar’s value has been on a steady decline for years much like Ben Stein’s career (which was never anything more than mediocre). Sure years of bad choices are turning the U.S. dollar into the Courtney Love of currency, once proud and admirable but now battered and whorish. So what do we do? Well we could doing something rash like close taxes loopholes for corporations, regulate the banks, stop devaluing the dollar by overproducing it, and require an import tax on non-perishable products to encourage/penalize companies into producing their products in the U.S. strengthening our overall economy or we could just let it collapse and find a new currency…. So America needs a new currency!

If you watch a lot of day time television (and you do you jobless bum) the obvious choice would be gold, after all Cash 4 Gold’s free pamphlet and persuasive arguments by mediocre “celebrities” we thought were dead would suggest that the shiny commodity of the past is our future. Our course gold is heavy and not easily stored in fact only Long Island Italians would whole heartedly embrace the gold standard. Also gold is around forever so it can’t be easily destroyed or recalled to control its value and there is no real way of keeping track of it. No we need something of value we can control production of and devalue at will.

In prison and in prison movies there are two major sources of currency cigarettes and ass. Ass is a commodity that quickly becomes devalued if you don’t watch it and would make simple transactions on the outside such as purchasing a 7/11 taquito much more costly and difficult “okay, so you can either fuck me in the ass for 4 seconds now or wait until I’ve accrued 6 taquitos, a slurpee, and 4 copies of Juggs magazine for a full 3 minutes” (of course that 4 seconds would have to be split between regional, corporate, the suppliers, producers, employees well you catch my drift. Also it would really suck to be boss come pay day for the employees). So at the risk of becoming unpopular I will go out on a limb and say that ass sex probably won’t work to well as a standalone currency, sorry Spencer Pratt I know how eager you were to get rich again (his ass is already probably looser than Eddie Murphy’s definition of the word “woman”). Also women would be born with twice the currency flipping the status quo and men would be trapped under the “ass ceiling”.

Now ass might not work but I still think prisons are a good place to look, after all 1 out of every 100 Americans is in prison/jail currently and with unemployment on the rise along with crime it’s a growing industry. In fact if we did use a prison based currency it would transition from jailed life and invisibly jailed life much easier for Americans. So let’s examine the other popular currency used in prisons, cigarettes.

Cigarettes are paper much like our current currency and they’re light weight. They’re also easily destroyed and can be smoked so it would be easy to correct market issues making them nearly impossible to effectively devalue for more than a couple months. Also in comparisons to other currencies on the world scale cigarettes are valuable just about everywhere. In Europe especially France they love cigarettes so the cigarette would hold up very well and may even surpass the Euro in value (it pretty much has in Eastern Europe already). In Russia and China you can already use cigarettes as currency so the cigarette will remain strong in China’s expanding economy (India loves tobacco too, but they have better stuff than us).


So switching our currency to cigarettes works well on a global scale but what about domestically? Well the healthcare industry in its current state is huge business and cancer is a leading driving force in this business and with smoking cigarettes being a major cause of cancer you have created a self sustaining economic cycle. The only way you can escape this glorious display of capitalism would be to die… Actually not even death would allow you to escape capitalism as the rise in deaths would stimulate mortuary industry!

So America stimulate the economy with stimulants and look cool doing it! You've got currency to burn!

How Avatar Would Actually Happen

Avatar. Wow, what a movie. So visually stimulating, especially in imax. Hooray humanity looses in the end! Boo humanity! Yay big blue hippies!

Alright now that I’m finished pandering to James Cameron and patronizing the special effects crowd (the effects were amazing by the way) it’s time to analyze how things would actually happen. It is slightly insulting to assume that humanity with our exceedingly enormous capacity for war and destruction would lose a fight to a bunch of naked horse riding blue hippies. In fact if there is only one thing humanity excels at it’s our capacity to destroy the environment and native cultures that respect the environment. We would never go in and make our intentions direct and clear, we learned that with the American Indians in the Black Mountains. No we’d do what we do best, infect their culture with the worst of humanity without warning and ease them into lethargic complacency.

Step 1: The Peace Offering

This is the cornerstone of any successful campaign to destroy a culture without having to fight them at full strength. Start with a friendly gift or dinner under the guise of “cultural exchange” now small pox blankets or a Rosie O’Donnel comedy CD is simply too vile to begin with, plus smallpox may not effect them the same way as it does us as they are genetically different from us. Let’s start with a disease that we’re sure can spread to all cultures causing obesity, heart disease, hamburglary, and general lethargy. I’m speaking of the scourge of the sesame seed bun McDonald’s. Every culture McDonald’s has infiltrated has seen exponential rises in obesity, heart disease, and rises in the criminal act of hamburgarly (a felony in some countries). Japan once a proud fish eating nation is now battling national obesity for the first time ever, soon Japanese pornography with the skinny little prepubescent girl pooping on your chest in a subway train will be gone forever replaced with a portly saggy woman offering to “make your break today” for a vagina full of french fries. Simply introduce the bluebodies to some to McDonald’s as “the delicacy of Earth”. They may be disgusted at first (as they should be) but eventually they’ll be eating it every meal.

After we open up a McDonald’s it’s time to introduce them to alcohol. The good old firewater has fucked up more cultures than Jay Leno has fucked up good jokes (alright that’s hyperbole, there aren’t enough ravaged cultures to compare to Leno’s concentration camp of comedy.). Give booze to even the noblest native leader and weeks later they’re wearing the sacred headdress on their ass, pawning ancient pottery, and trading the great moon spirit for moonshine and American spirits.

2: Introduce Drugs

Look most of them already seem to be on ecstasy and they’re all about “being one with nature” and altered consciousness and other things humans excel at. Simply spread the Navi equivalent of crack around their deciduous commorancies and watch those green eyes turn red. Within weeks they’ll be digging up the great tree and pulling up unobtainium with their bare hands. If there’s any protest bring in the Navi equivalent of pot to ensure they’ll be too damn lazy to create a competent resistance (like what happened to the hippies, who were mostly useless middle class kids anyway) and make it illegal too, so if any of them get motivated enough to get up and stop laughing at that rock that looks like a “bloob” we can arrest them for it! Also if you factor in their biological neural network chances are all you have to do is get one of them high and the whole race will be in a deodate kef worthy of Rip Torn.

3. False Empowerment

Alright so there is bound to be a handful dissenters, ones that realize that humans have all the power (and the crack). Sway them by offering them minor roles with a false sense of power, appoint them to intermediary positions, hell even let them hold their own elections (secretly rig these elections of course, unless the candidates are all spineless or moronic). Now humanity has a go to guy, thrust all blame/responsibility on him, see the wonderful transient nature of democracy is so that specific blame can be passed between parties with no consequence and will always eventually land on those democracy is supposed to benefit.

4. Introduce BET (Blue Entertainment Television) and other distracting unintelligible media.

With a sense of false empowerment now in place it’s time to introduce specified mindless entertainment. Use slogans like “for us by us” and capitalize on dumbed down degraded versions of culturally significant people and trends. Take music and ideas that once came out of deep thought and yearning and make them into something in a thong that pays for $3,000 gold collars for their starving Toruk’s (the flying dinosaurs). Next play exploitive mind numbingly idiotic programming ad nauseum , be sure to include blatantly ignorant sounding catch phrases and make intellectualism and self improvement appear unappealing. Once these things become popular utilize them to advertise a meaningless lifestyle of excess that the average Navi could never afford without going into debt or at the very least without sacrificing much more important and empowering things like land and most anything granting limited independence from the human machine. Then to captivate dissenting but still naïve subcommunities advertise secondary brands of these products as “rebellious” and “edgy”.

5. Raise the bar

Some of these will begin to get disillusioned with the current state of their culture and their lack of advancement in life. Simply give them a goal like say “college” and then add varying degrees. Each degree should be associated with a social status or wealth status and should be very expensive. Now every time a Navi completes jumping through one hoop tell them they need to jump through a higher hoop. This often keeps the more intelligent Navi busy and even conforms some to human thinking.

6. MTD’s (Merger Transmitted Diseases)

So by this point some of the Navi have probably figured out Earth’s oldest profession and I’m sure with all the grand glory that is the sex industry there is a niche of deviants dedicated to Navi porn. Horny human tourist will travel to Pandora and be able to pick up a giant blue hooker check out her sweet bloobs and maybe get a sloppy blue-job (especially Jim Norton).

Which is all fine, it’s free consensual natural sex we’re after. If we make natural free pleasures more dangerous and deadly then more time will be sought seeking artificial pleasures which cost money which requires they work for us! Simply develop a disease that is horrific and transmitted sexually then claim some sick Navi banged one of those horse things.

So at this point humanity has avoided an actual war and managed to decimate and enslave a whole new world but chances are conflicts will arise between humans and these bluens (a derogatory term for Navi’s). Luckily the Navi’s arms are terribly genetically inefficient creatures on their planet. Horse things that need 8 holes to breathe? A big jaguar thing that lets a pathetic new comer to the world escape alive when on the same scale a common house cat would have torn him apart? Bright orange predators that don’t blend in anywhere and can be heard wherever they go scaring away all potential prey? Even the Navi have to tether themselves to nearly everything they use making all these creatures weaknesses their own! It’s would be like a human making it so a human in a tank experiences pain every time the tank gets shot at!

In fact the only thing with more contempt for nature than humans is the humans who designed Avatar, between disregard for physics (Really floating mountains? The sort of magnetic field required for that most likely really screw up the animals around it and it is extremely unlikely something like that could remain stable) and ignorance of the fact that life’s only real common thread is that of will to survive and adaptation to better survive there are some very “Avatarded” concepts.

Eagerly awaiting bandwidth of some sweet bare “bloobs” - Dr. Intoxicated