Happy? New Year?

With 2009 mostly behind us it's time to look towards 2010. I really haven't done much on this blog, between many of my private projects and freelance writing it's been a battle over content. In fact the major reason I haven't been posting a lot of stuff here is that I have a mass of articles, photoshops. animations, in the works and frankly this platform is too small. I'm working on coding and css and learning more and more interactive design methods. Possibly in 2010 I'll be good enough at the technical aspects to support the looming monster of creativity that vows to eat me if I do not produce fast enough. Hopefully I'll find or develop said platform and there are chances I may start pitching the rebirth of the "Daily American" (but probably under a new name to reflect that it is and was the first tabloid satire site ever created.). Some big changes this coming year, but none of you care. Some things to look forward to "How the internet works: a guide for old people" "Pokemon rewritten by evangelical christians" and "What is the best object to stuff my pants with?""The answer to economic stimulus: more cigarettes" are all on my dashboard along with a dead hooker and a preschool worth of injured physically challenged children from the school up the street. Well baby new year is here, 2009 forgot to wear a condom and it's too late for a back alley time stream abortion so happy goddamn New Year!

The Middle East Needs More Beach Balls

The Afghan/Iraq wars are the least fun wars in American history. In World War Two "the big one" the soldiers in Normandy had wine and French prostitutes. On the Pacific side there was sake and Asian hookers, same with Korea and Vietnam (which also had opium and by that point LSD). It seems like Wars were just getting more fun each war there were hotter prostitutes and better party accoutrements in fact the logical next place to invade would have been a toss up between Cancun and Amsterdam. But no, those Bush boys don't know how to throw a fun war. I guess they might have thought that all the sand made it kind of like a big beach and all that talk of harems sounded kind of cool also Afghanistan was the world's leading poppy producing country before the Taliban took over. If you combine all those things it sounds like a kickass time! Unfortunately we arrived at the party way too late and Ayatollah "moon dog" and his fraternity of party sheiks had already been evicted for rock'n out too hard and now we're stuck with a bunch of uptight party poopers who scoff when you suggest a "burka raid". See they've got "religion" so we have to respect their ideas no matter how backward they are because we want them to respect the backward ideas of people in this country who also have "religion". Now generally when someone tells you they don't have fun because of their religion you do what any good and sensible American would do... You point at them and laugh. Well we can't do that here because it's like being stuck in Sunday school and nobody wants to have fun! In fact all the kids sitting around you are will chastise you for having fun! It's like the un-fun family you're stuck going to when you'd rather be at home drinking.

So having examined this spatilomantic situation let's see what is left for fun in the Middle East. Okay no booze or drugs, no sex or porn, and no swimming, surfing, or water sports. Alright well there is one thing the Middle East does have a lot of... Poi! I mean sand! Yes sand! We could try making sand castles unfortunately with the winds and no moisture to hold the sand together it would be kind of pointless. Don't worry that doesn't mean beach party Iraq is a bust. What is the one thing that symbolizes beach party fun in fact it's so much fun it can be seen in the stands at sporting events or concerts. I'll give you a hint it's plastic and colorful and not the remains on Kanye West's dead mother. I'm talking beach balls. As far as I know there are no laws against beach balls in the Middle East (Well unless you try to have sex with it or draw a frowny face on it and name it "Mohammed", or both. Definitely do not do both.). Hey you start tossing around the beach ball, get the natives involved and maybe eventually someone will bust out the wine coolers and from there real booze! So let's divert some of those Haliburton subsidies to buying beach balls for the troops and call me crazy but maybe some bullet proof vests too. Well at least until we can find an excuse to politely leave this un-fun party.. Where a bunch of people got murdered... That's probably a good reason in itself.

Partying with his own inflatable polyurethane prostitute.

- Dr. Intoxicated

I need a woman who likes me for me not my abject poverty

Nobody wants there potential life partner to be rich, if they did then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would have never ended up stuck together. Hell you can't say they didn't try to increase their poverty level by adopting kids from the poorest nations on Earth but it just wasn't enough.... There addiction to making big budget films had just simply gone too far and money was rolling in faster than they could pay someone to burn it. Yes they are a tragic tale of two rich people forced to be together like Romeo and Juliette because nobody could stand them or their money.

Let's face it women think guys who have no money are hot because women can't stand material things and basic necessities like food and shoes. Men are a bit different we're really just looking for the girl with flattest chest (some like girls so flat you can balance drinks on them like human tray tables, kind of sick if you ask me). In fact if you watch the Maury Povich show you will often note that the men with the most fake gold (especially in their mouth) are often accused of siring the most children. This clearly shows that women like men who boast the fact that they cannot afford real gold and in fact they are so proud they boast that they will not even pay child support. After all people in poverty have the most kids so lack of money has to be a huge turn on, right?

Let's face it when ladies see my tight ripped jeans ad my white wife beater they can't keep their hands off of me. When I explain that I don't own a car and take the train to work most women enter a sexually ravenous state in which they viciously attempt to date rape me. It's almost like the holes in my shoes are tunnels to your heart.

Sure it's fine that women see my lack of money and go wild now but what about long term? What if one day someone actually likes my writing or purchases a screenplay? I guess I'm shot out of luck then. Once I reach middle class the women will drop me for some savvy homeless meth head or a 35 five year old "Producer" who lives in his mom's basement while cutting tracks on his Compaq Presario. I know most writers don't get rich (especially if they're any good) but there is always that option that my writing sucks just enough to make me a living someday. I could always blow it all on used truck parts for the lawn I don't have but even that is a sign of wealth. I need to find a woman who doesn't care how poor a guy is, someone who likes me for me and other cliches. Thank god Eddy Murphy's movie "Coming To America" deals with this subject in depth unfortunately it's too late for Eddy though.

If I told you I was typing this at a public library computer would you have an orgasm?

I'm not but it was worth a try.

Next in my series on Love and Attraction "Why Are So Many Women Clammering For Anal Sex?"

Hey it's probably more accurate than Yahoo's dating tips section.

8 Things I Would Do Differently If I Were In The Movie "Mannequin"

So many of us have been unlucky enough to see 80's movie "Mannequin" recently I met that such fate. Despite the illogical and asinine plot I find the concept no so bad. In fact it's so bad and asinine that it's sure to get remade in the next couple years. Well as a champion of realism I've decided it's my duty to make few suggestions. So today I present you with the ever topical and relevant.


8 Things I Would Differently If I Was In The Movie "Mannequin"

1. If you had a desperate secret woman totally at your mercy would you dance around trying on hats with her?.... Of course I would!

Not really. Do I even have to say what I'd do to her? S-E-X. At the risk of getting plastic burn on my penis I would ride that thing (I would have to block out the fact that it's the broad from Sex In The City though, big turn off). I don't think I know a single guy that wouldn't do the same thing.

2. I would steal her limbs while she's a mannequin.

That's right just to be a jerk I would steal her leg or arm then wait for her to come back to life and be like "what the fuck!". Honestly wouldn't you be the least bit curious?

3. If I was a big business executive I wouldn't give a fuck what the window boy is doing.

With the main antagonist a big business man who is the boss of the protagonist a window boy there are several small logistical flaws with the antagonist's pursuit of the protagonist.

In other words.

Since when does high level management care about what the window boy is doing? Well at least not enough to personally watch his every move in attempt to catch him doing... something? I wouldn't have the bumbling security guard spy on the window boy nor I want reports on what the stock boy is doing. I would do what every compassionate businessman would do... I'd fire his ass. Problem solved.

4. I would fire the window boy for wearing the merchandise instead of doing his job.

So the major plot in the movie revolves around the cat and mouse chase between Andrew McCarthy and James Spader. Spader is the store's vice president and he's trying catch McCarthy doing something sketchy and McCarthy is trying to keep his uhh. "love affair" secret. McCarthy is a window dresser, he's paid to dress mannequins and place them in the window not try on the merchandise and spread whatever dirty STD he has to merchandise you might eventually buy. And yes he probably has at least one STD after all he fucks mannequins... or tries to at least.

5. Check for vagina.

Alright before I'd do anything at all, even before finding out the mannequin could come to life I would check for a vagina. Come on like you wouldn't? If there was no vagina I'd outfit her with a rubber one from the adult section and hope for the best.

6. Do some blow with Hollywood.

They never quiet admit Hollywood is on coke but it's pretty easy to put the pieces together. Hollywood is affluent, flamboyant, dressed like Ray Charles on LSD, very excitable, and it's the 80's. Of course Hollywood does blow and honestly the stuff he gets must be amazing stuff.

7. Give her breast implants.

Kim Catrell isn't exactly stacked but she could be. I run over to the hardware department and grab some plastic putty and fill a D cup with it. After slapping that bad boy on her I'd snap my fingers and pray for boobs. Hell if that works I'd probably even make her a second set on her back.

8. Write A letter to penthouse

Instead of writing what I would do which would include the phrase "wheelbarrow style amputee sex" many, many times I decided to write a Penthouse letter of what actually happens in the movie Mannequin.

Dear Penthouse,

I started this job working in a department store recently. One night I was working alone overnight and discovered that one of the mannequins comes to life as beautiful young girl. She said she would do anything and I mean anything if I kept her secret. She was totally at my sexual mercy. So we danced around and tried on hats. The end.


Just for posterity I did a write up of what it would say on the back of video if Mannequin was made my way.

Jonathan Switcher is a deadbeat who calls the plastic life size women he makes "art". After the real world crushed this fucked up pervert's sick dreams he decides to sell his favorite woman to a department store as a mannequin where he gets a job setting up window displays. One night after doing some really great blow with his flaming colorblind coworker Hollywood his favorite mannequin comes to life as a real woman. During the next few days he modifies the mannequin woman in several ways including breast implants, back boobs, and even removing her legs for hot wheelbarrow style amputee sex. One day the evil vice president of the store suspects Switcher of something strange.. So he fires Switcher's ass sight unseen later discovering security camera footage of Switcher trying on merchandise and sexually defiling the mannequins.

Legalize It!..... Stabbing That Is.

With the legalization of marijuana on the stoned minds of the nation (when they aren't caught up in the plot of a Scooby Doo episode they're watching) and Portugal's wildly successful legalization of all drugs five years ago it looks like it's time to start looking for something new to legalize.

As a humble and deviant thinker I have taken this task upon myself. Now I live in a state in which everything fun is illegal and considered to be one these least free states in the nation so it's hard to think of a cause that has mass appeal (as opposed to local appeal, like legalizing fireworks and no longer forcing people to pay ludicrously high car insurance rates, Geico won't even touch this state).

But what? Gay marriage...... I consider this a non-issue, legalizing it nationwide would help the economy and be the just plain sensible thing to do but someone already started that campaign. Post-Birth abortion? ..... I don't think we're quite ready to face that one head on.

We need something dangerous (because everything fun and cool is dangerous) but also not necessarily fatal. Something the likes of Darwin or satirist Jonathan Swift would be proud of...... I've got it!... Stabbing!

That's right legalize stabbing people. Stabbing isn't always fatal but still pretty dangerous.... and cool! Alright it's time to list off some fun facts (and I loosely use the word "facts" but no more loosely than someone who would quote the Bible as "fact")

Stabbing Fun Fact #1: Most People Who Get Stabbed Deserve It!

Though there has been no official scientific study on the matter in many cases of stabbing the victim did something to piss off the stabber. Of course data is rather tough to acquire because some pansies find it inappropriate to ask stabbing victims in the ER "did you do anything to deserve the stabbing you received today?" along with proof of health insurance. Look at it this way, if someone wants to hurt you so bad they're willing to stab you, you probably did something really bad to them and chances are you deserve it.

Stabbing Fun Fact #2: Stabbing Isn't Always Fatal!

How often do hear about a stabbing on the news? If you live in my neighborhood pretty much weekly. Does everyone die from being stabbed? No! In most cases it takes being stabbed many times to get hit fatally (unless you're dealing with a professional and experienced stabber).

Stabbing Fun Fact #3: Legalizing Stabbing Will Help The Economy!

Between the costs of knives, medical attention and the emerging industry of "stab proof clothing" stabbing is a cash cow industry. Also the occasional "accidental" stabbing death will create some cash for the funeral industry! (Legal Disclaimer: Stabbing is in no way meant to harm, maim, or kill if done responsibly by a trained stabbing professional)

Stabbing Fun Fact #4: It's A Feel Good Fun Time!

Nothing is more relaxing than a long stabbing on the beach, with no mention of sex or drugs it can also be a wholesome family friendly activity too! It's also a great way to blow off some steam!

Stabbing Fun Fact #5: Stabbing Is A Victimless Crime!

Most people who claim to be "Stabbing Victims" are really just career victims who are simply blaming being stabbed for their shortcomings in the not being stabbed area of their lives. Chances are they instigated being stabbed by being a difficult customer or chronically falling on knives like celebrities they see on television.

Okay now we need a stabbing related holiday..... Anyone know when O.J. Simpson's birthday is?

Stab, Stab, Stabb'n At Heaven's Door - Dr. Intoxicated

What Does That Chronic Masturbating Monkey And That Guy Texting On His Blackberry Have In Common?

I work at a hippy restaurant. Yes I know you all expect a part time internet humor/comedy writer to be independently wealthy surrounded by swimming pools full of gold bouillon in my cavernous two bedroom apartment but I do actually work a day job where I'm surrounded by demanding yuppies and past due hippies. What does this have to do with hand held technology? I mean hippies are a bunch of tree climbing savages who use bark for toilet paper (if they use toilet paper at all) and flutes as telephones. Alright I'm exaggerating hippies nowadays are the same as everybody else except their shoes made by Chinese children have a tie dye pattern on them. Now back to the subject at hand, everyday we are required to do a process called "clearing" in which you stare into each other's eyes for 15 seconds and then answer the question of the day. Several days back it was a question about things other people do that piss you off (paraphrased from hippy mumbo jumbo talk) . A coworker of mine (not a hippy) was complaining about how people text while driving and "constantly need to be entertained by hand held devices".

At the risk of being redundant I'd like to repeat that last statement "People constantly need to be entertained by hand held devices". People.... I can recall a relative of people that also is also constantly entertained by a "hand held device". I am talking about the monkey, in fact I am specifically talking about the male monkey who can be found chronically masturbating on a daily basis. Yes way before the ipod, cellphone, or sham wow existed a hand held device that didn't cost you $400 and brought you a lifetime of enjoyment existed. This fine product? Your genitals.... A hand operated device that brings you temporary entertainment. If someone could patent the penis they're be the richest person to ever exist. Of course in our modern human society you can't just whip it out and have a go anytime you want. (Not unless you're very careful on the subway anyway). But you can whip out your iphone anywhere!

So are these devices a replacement or at the very least a substitute for chronic masturbation? Or will Steve Jobs finally drop that restraining order and listen to my ideas to create the "iBone" a combination iphone/fleshlight which is a hell of a good time when set on vibrate. As they say "Idle hands do the Devil's work", of course I wonder how any kind of work would get done with everyone constantly masturbating.

- Dr. Intoxicated

Patenting Breast Cancer Is The Most Generous Gift You Could Give!

As of late the new trend in patenting is not to patent a process or invention but in fact to patent genes. This all started with the suspiciously Luthor Corp like company Monsanto attempting to patent seeds they genetically tweaked (without testing their effect on the environment of course) so they could in fact patent the world's food supply and claim patent infringement on any farm that doesn't pay to use their demon seeds (going so far as to sue the world seed vault to destroy all natural occurring seeds). As the law states you can't patent nature, but if you tweak nature it's fair game.

So why then is Myriad Genetics attempting to patent the gene that causes breast cancer?

It's naturally occurring, they didn't create it (hopefully), and it's a product that almost no one would want to buy (since everyone who receives it for free can't wait to get rid of it).

The simple answer is that they want to charge research facilities money to search for a cure....

Let me rephrase and repeat that "Myriad Genetics wants to financially penalize people for attempting to cure cancer". That's right even cancer has it's supporters (actually the entire pharmaceutical industry along with much of the hmo's and for profit healthcare industry).

Besides the glaring fact that nobody should be able to patent a gene natural or otherwise this is a naturally occurring gene so anyone who has it can be sued by Myriad. Now conversely this means that Myriad has laid claim to breast cancer and is itself responsible for such a dangerous product.

That means that everyone who has or had breast cancer and the families of people who died of it should be able to sue Myriad for releasing such a dangerous product. In fact since it has killed so many people I would think criminal charges would come into play.

In fact this could mean a "full product recall of cancer" which means anyone who caught breast cancer could go to Myriad to return it and Myriad would in fact have to pay to cure them!

This could be an incredibly generous gift to the world that Myriad provides under a thick veil of greed, insensitivity to human suffering, and a purely evil intent. Yes let them patent it, let them be held liable for it too. We'll either see Myriad's ruin, Myriad cure everyone with breast cancer for free, or a world in which companies can no longer patent genes.

Someone should patent testicle cancer because I could really use a vacation in the south pacific.

- Dr. Intoxicated

The media doesn't care what I eat for lunch (because I'm not an elitist President)

I don't get a lunch because I'm chef. I make you lunch for a living. But if I did eat lunch would cnn, msnbc, fox, and a slew of other media outlets report it?

Probably not, unless it was several newborns in a scene of shocking cannibalism or I was President Obama. Yes that's right the media has sunk to reporting Obama's lunch. In fact an average of 20 minutes was spent discussing thouroughly his purchase of a hamburger and his selection of condiments. For the most part it was just a mediocre farce of journalism (unless they see this whole thing through and report on the resulting bowel movement, I smell Pulitzer or something just as foul). Of course Fox had a slightly different spin on the matter suggesting that Obama's request for mustard on his hamburger was "elitist" referencing grey poupon commercials (yes I am serious).

I wonder if Fox was ready with a defamatory response for every possible condiment Obama may have ordered?

For example:

Saurkraut: Facist Obama's stomach sympathizes with nazis

Ketchup: Obama's attempt to quench negro blood lust

Relish: Obama's desire to be constantly "pickled"

Imagine if he ordered a hot dog instead?

"Obama swallows sausage, is his homosexual behavior bringing satan back to earth?"

Well at least he didn't use Oprah's coupon to get some free KFC. The would be a Fox wet dream. America's first black president stuffing his face with KFC.... Anne Coulter just blew a testicle out thinking about it.

I just hope in the future Obama orders some deviled eggs or devil's food cake so America's religious zealots will all simultaneously die of aneurisms screaming "I knew he was the anti-christ!".

Oprah's Greatest Practical Joke!

Everyone man comes to a point in his life where he must ask himself "If I was Oprah how would I thank the people that made me rich and famous and still remain true to my black urban roots".

If you're Oprah the answer to that question is "Buy Everyone KFC". Yes that's right.
Today Oprah announced just that from her Oprah Compound in Oprahville in state that will soon be bought and renamed "Oprahoma". The execs over at Harpo and KFC must've had a great think tank on this one.

Let me take you though the thought process (as I imagine it)

Exec 1: We need a big giveaway to boost ratings

Exec 2: We don't want to alienate our "ethnic" viewers by making Oprah seem like she "lost her Roots" - like the movie "Roots" if you catch my drift.

Exec 1: We need a corporate sponsor that appeals to those who suffer from "excess melanin" that isn't a malt liquor or cigarette company...... They still like fried chicken right?

Exec 3: We can't giveaway pot yet right? How about crack... Is giving away crack in these communities passe or can we get away with it?

Exec 2: The CIA already did that promotion in 80's, we need something new.

Exec 1: I've got KFC on one line and the Army on the other, KFC says they'll give free chicken to everyone if you can ensure that the ethnic people who want it most will never be able to redeem the coupons.

Exec 3: What about the Army?

Exec 2: Free trip to Iraq and a college scholarship if you don't get killed... of course they're lying about the college thing. Let's go with KFC.

Exec 1: How can we make these coupons unaccessible to the "ethnics"?

Exec 3: Back in the 50's you could just put up a sign. I miss the 50's.

Exec 2: The internet. Black people don't know how to use the internet... Just post these "coupons" online and it'll like a wild goose chase to them. 40 acres and a mule all over again!

Watch out Oprah or you'll have a scene like this brewing!



Oprah's attempt at reparations has just turned into another "40 acres and mule"

Also I would like to mention that Oprah's supposedly "educated viewers" (middle class yentas) would:

1. Never be caught dead in a KFC

2. Never be caught dead using a coupon

Also my people (the white trash) also run into the same problems as the "ethnics" with Oprah's little joke.

To sum it up I'd like to quote Marie Antionette "Let them eat cake!" and wonder will Oprah's "let them eat chicken" be the moment that defines how out of touch with reality she is?


Update: The day after posting this the whole promotion blew up in Oprah's face, as I predicted, here's some audio from it.

What's Do It Yourself Anarchy Productions About?: A Revisionist History

This is comedy.

It all started years ago with blogging for my friends and pussy. It moved forward from that point to freelance writing for a slew of comedy sites eventually culminating in opening my own site Daily American.us (now defunct). The Daily American started as a place to put satirical articles I wrote that for some reason (racist, sexist, rape jokes, pro-sodomy agenda) never got picked up. It started out as a fake news site with a variety of columns from a "What If?" column showcasing what may have happened if overhyped media stories such as "killer bees" and "Y2K" actually lived up to the hype to a column showcasing racist antiques from the past. Realizing just how many news satire sites there were out there I decided to reinvent the site into the World's first Tabloid Satire site (it was even interactive and made to look exactly like the front page of a supermarket tabloid). Basically I spread blatant fake stories about celebrities from Miley Cyrus being the club footed product of incest to Norm Macdonald bravely rescuing 13 prostitutes from a burning building (while taking his money back). Unfortunately the site took time I didn't have and didn't produce any revenue (I may post whats left of the archives at a later date).

After bumming around writing screen/teleplays I realized I need a new outlet for my random comedy pieces so I'm starting up a blog with millions of other people.

Prepare to be dazzled with mediocrity!

P.S. I've written under the names of Dr. Intoxicated, Justintoxicated (the same one who does photoshops for Toucher and Rich), Doc Tox, Anonymously, Bob Namos, and Eugel Weiss (That I remember)

If you're interested in my writing or columns please drop me a line. If you want to post my stuff elsewhere please contact me first (most likely I'll give you an emphatic "yes" and wish to brag to my enemies, if not bjuy me a couple drinks and that yes will be sure to come out)




All material is the copyrighted property of Do It Yourself Anarchy Productions and it's creator/owner (excluding external links) and may not be reproduced or used without express permission. The material, views, and ideas expressed are meant as satire/parody and should not be taken as defamation. All rights reserved 2009.