Superfood: a term sometimes used to describe food with high phytonutrient content that may confer health benefits as a result. For example, blueberries are often considered a superfood (or superfruit) because they contain significant amounts of antioxidants, anthocyanins, vitamin C, manganese, and dietary fiber. The term is not in common currency amongst dieticians and nutritional scientists, many of whom dispute the claims made that consuming particular foodstuffs can have a health benefit. There is no legal definition of the term and it has been alleged that this has led to it being over-used as a marketing tool. (Citation: Wikipedia)
Everyone is looking for the new superfood, quinoa is quickly becoming passe and is grossly non-phonetic, wheat grass tastes like crystal light and regular grass, and salmon? Well salmon has its benefits but is as unfashionable as any article of clothing that is identified as the color “salmon” which is a color reversed for the proudly homosexual or old colorblind men who have completely given up on sexual relations for the rest of their lives.
Allow me to digress for a moment to answer the question “why do we need a new superfood?”. The answer is simple we demand our health food to be efficient, all our miraculous nature defying anti-aging, pro-aphrodisiac, weight controlling nutrients or chemicals must be rolled into one simple thing we can eat a lot of.
Why just one thing instead of a range of healthy balanced foods? It is long believed by unreasonable medical quackery that and wacky expert nutritionists that we need to eat a range of healthy foods but they’ve only spent lifetimes researching this stuff, many have never even paid the $3000 to get a certificate in holistic mysticism from Herbal Mentalist Camp or even successfully completed the 6 hour weekend seminar in the preternatural catharsis that is a Saturday afternoon in Sedona. It is unreasonable to think we could incorporate all these healthy foods into our diets, we need one simple superfood that we can eat to make up 10% or less of our diet so we have room left over for the 90% total body sodomizing crap that we eat the rest of the time.
I believe I have discovered the next superfood while simply sitting at my desk. Thumbtacks.
Sure I could bore you all with fancy scientific words like “harlequin ichthyosis” or explain why I chose thumbtacks instead of dragonfruit, human embryos, or anything else traditionally considered to be part of the food kingdom. But instead I will go straight to the benefits of eating thumbtacks.
The Benefits Of Thumbtack Consumption:
Thumbtacks are the ideal superfood, they’re lightweight, portable, contain no fat, are low in cholesterol, contain no sugar, and are also low in sodium making them ideal for a range of dietary needs.
Nutritional Value Of Thumbtacks:
Thumbtacks contain essential metals and metal is a “mineral”. Thumbtacks come in a variety of nutritional colors and often contain the essential dietary roughage known as “plastic”.
Health Benefits:
Eating thumbtacks is great exercise for the jaws and teeth, since they are generally made of more powerful substances than traditional edible foods. Also thumbtacks contain essential “sharpness” with stimulates bloodflow to and in the mouth while toughening the esophagus, stomach, and colon on the way through the digestive system.
Preparation:
Thumbtacks can be eaten raw or cooked into sauces, soups, baked goods etc.. If cooking thumbtacks one should be aware that metal heats up very rapidly and that the plastic handled variety being less hardy than the stainless steel version tend to melt in high heat so they are best tossed into a salad or sprinkled over ice cream. Be careful not to overcook your thumbtacks as they conduct heat quite well and you could accidentally burn your mouth.
Epilogue:
While the nutrition of thumbtacks and my claims have not been evaluated by the FDA or any scientific body it has undergone the same strict scrutiny that you would expect at any herbalist, holistic psychic, orChristian book store, or Organic Market.
Also they’re shiny and jingle so babies love them!
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