Barack Obama Doesn't Care About Mole People!

As representative of the Moloid peoples and the dwellers of Subterranea I must speak out about the great injustices being perpetrated against underground dwellers by one called “Barack Obama”.

For too long Subterranean Americans have been kept in the dark (figure of speech we like being in the actual dark, damn your surface metaphors.) as to the running of the country we dwell beneath. We are sick of the topographically top percent making all the decisions as to who can dig where, whose drills can screw our cavernous cities, who gets to steal our precious elemental resources, and rape our mole women (okay, nobody has tried to rape our mole women even our most beautiful supermodel Ruth Bader Ginsberg). It is time we take a hunched over stand!

During his campaign and repeatedly after Barack Obama has promised to plunge the world into darkness promising to fund solar initiatives aimed at draining the awful sun of its power via absorption by solar panels. Three years later the sun still sits in the sky a constant terrorist threat to the Moloids, yet Obama has promised to make America safer! Why does this promise not extend to subterranea?

Name one pro-moleman initiative Barack Obama has supported? I bet you can’t.

Worse he pleads ignorance of our problems. When BP’s gross ignorance caused a cave-in at the city of Rocklar with their drunken pococurante drill poking he just let them walk away with no burning in the molten pits below. When the dome of great city of Hothdar cracked letting in awful, awful sunlight who was out there handing out spf 1000 sunscreen? Not Obama. To this day the Hothdarians still must hide in the surrounding caverns during your pitiful hours of sunlight. FEMA has forgotten about us.

Only the Republican and Tea Parties have adequately represented our interest in eliminating the surface dwellers. Some with this idea called “rapture” in which they do everything possible to hasten their own demise from dimming education, handing nuclear weapons to contentious careless aggressors, and facilitating the mass production of carcinogens that simulate the hot molten conditions of the lower underworld.

Until the surface world is plunged into eternal darkness I stand by my statement.

Barack Obama doesn’t care about mole people.

10 reasons why we shouldn't defund NPR

With the economy the way it is there is no doubt the government is looking for things to cut back on. Sure we have trillions tied up in pointless foreign wars, subsidies for billionaires, live babies to feed Sarah Palin (that baby she holds in public is not her child, it's her snack.), and hush money to keep all those gay prostitutes Rick Santorum frequents quiet but those things can't be helped. As always cutbacks fall on education (hopefully the rapture will come before the future gets here) and NPR. While attempting to pay of the national debt/deficit by cutting some of the least funded programs is much like giving up your daily insulin to pay for a $500,000 dollar yacht in the middle of landlocked Candyland there are still groups ineffectively pushing for this inane budget change.

Maybe I'm jaded by my enjoyment of the news and knowledge of things like this so lets look at some of possible results of defunding NPR.

10 Reasons Why We Shouldn't Defund NPR


1. They will add fart sound effects between stories during the BBC world news.

2. Regional Local Interest shows will be forced to cover things that are actually interesting.

3. Only half the things will be considered on "All things considered".

4. In an attempt to get enough ratings to stay on the air Diane Rhem will resort to showing her boobs.


5. "Talk of the Nation" will be forced to include what the nation is really talking about, fart jokes and Charlie Sheen.

6. Science Friday will be forced to include mediocre soft sciences like Psychology and Sociology.

7. Neal Conan sucks at pan handling.


8. Prairie Home Companion will get twice the airtime.

9. The woman who reads the news hour brief will be forced to pepper in world news during sex chat on her 900 number. Phrases like "Yes penetrate me hard like united nations forces did today while entering Libyan airspace", "I've spilled oil all over my hot jugs much like the spill found today in gulf that appears to be leaking from the Matterhorn Seastar oil rig.", "I'm having 7 orgasms which was the number votes cast in the Supreme court to overide a decision made by the Kansas State legislature", and "Yes poop on my chest, today MIT announced plans to utilize human waste as biofuel to generate electricity.".


10. Terry Gross will be forced to become a prostitute.

Tips For Properly Celebrating St. Patrick's Day

St. Patrick’s day is truly a wonderful excuse to get drunk on a weekday and expose yourself to motorists. However with all the vomiting and penis flailing it is easy to forget the reason for this grand celebration. Here are a few things you can incorporate into your holiday to ensure you celebrate in a genuine Irish way and not a B.U. frat boy who needs an excuse to have his first gay experience kind of way.

Tip 1. Drive Snakes From Places

Anyone who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is well aware of….. Okay nobody who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is a aware of anything other than whether their glass is full or empty. I was going to say that everyone who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is well aware of the tale of St. Patrick driving the snakes from Ireland. To continue this legacy it is more than fitting to find snakes and drive them from places.

In warm climates this is fairly easy but in colder climates where the snakes are still dormant in March you may need to be more creative. You may want to stop by your local pet shop drunk wielding driving sticks and tap on that stupid boa’s tank more obnoxiously than you’ve ever done before until the Assistant Manager asks you not to (then go fuck with the hamsters).

In absence of an actual snake you could use a picture of a snake. Simply print a picture of a snake off your computer then crumple it up and throw it out your window shouting “Fuck you snake I’m Saint Patrick!”. If you’re able to drive you could also take the picture of the snake, drive it out to the country, and leave it there, possibly flipping it off as you drive away.

One last note about this several years ago I decided to “drive my trouser snake from my pants” in public. This caused quite an uproar at the children’s St. Patrick’s day march which I attribute to women and children being afraid of snakes.

Tip 2: Stay in a Loveless Marriage

St. Patrick’s day is rooted in Irish Catholic tradition and as such when celebrating it you should adhere to Irish Catholic customs. Divorce is frowned upon by the Irish Catholics so often instead of seeking out happiness with a new lover they just stay in a loveless marriage and cheat on each other just like Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Tip 3: Hold Off on That Abortion!

Abortion is another custom that is frowned upon by Irish Catholics so if you were planning on starting the holiday with a quick womb scrape before heading off to the bar think again. Don’t worry though one more day won’t make a difference and if it does you’ll join the Irish tradition of being stuck with a child that nobody wants! The great thing about waiting until after St. Patty’s is that chances are you’ll have already drunk your baby dead and won’t even need to go to the clinic (or in the Bible Belt the alley behind the church).

Tip 4: Apply For Jobs

Irish history wasn’t all drinking and lucky charms…. Alright Irish history wasn’t all lucky charms. Between 1830 and up to the 1930’s Irish Americans were heavily discriminated against by employers because of their alcoholism and general incompetence. Employers would post signs with the acronym “NINA” which stood for “No Irish Need Apply” to discourage the Irish from applying for jobs at their businesses.

Thankfully we have matured as people and don’t need signs saying we don’t hire the Irish, everyone now knows not to hire the Irish so there is no need for signs (also most Irish can’t read so signs were pointless). Anyway if you’re Irish and can read and write (not likely, that’s why this article will get no hits) it is your duty to exercise your freedom to apply for employment. I suggest grabbing a stack of job applications and take them straight to the bar where you spend all day coloring them with crayons because you’re Irish and cannot read or write.

Tip 5: Get Raped, Beat Up, and Become A Male Prostitute on the Old Main Drag

This is pretty self-explanatory. But here’s video to explain it.

Things to Avoid:

1. Don’t take cab rides from Americans:

In fact don’t take anything from Americans that trip could cost you seven years indentured servitude, if you need to stop at the liquor store ten. There is one exception though which involves being a hot Irish girl.

2. Do Not Let An Englishman Have Half Your Stuff:

They won’t give it back and will likely paint everything orange.

3. Driving on St. Patty’s Day

Seriously the police are out in force. Last thing you need is to get arrested because you let an Irishman drive your car. The Irish can’t read road signs and are dazzled by the colors and shapes. You’re best off just driving drunk.

Have Safe and Solemn St. Patty’s Day Everyone!

Filling out job applications with best green crayon – Dr. Intoxicated