St. Patrick’s day is truly a wonderful excuse to get drunk on a weekday and expose yourself to motorists. However with all the vomiting and penis flailing it is easy to forget the reason for this grand celebration. Here are a few things you can incorporate into your holiday to ensure you celebrate in a genuine Irish way and not a B.U. frat boy who needs an excuse to have his first gay experience kind of way.
Tip 1. Drive Snakes From Places
Anyone who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is well aware of….. Okay nobody who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is a aware of anything other than whether their glass is full or empty. I was going to say that everyone who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is well aware of the tale of St. Patrick driving the snakes from Ireland. To continue this legacy it is more than fitting to find snakes and drive them from places.
In warm climates this is fairly easy but in colder climates where the snakes are still dormant in March you may need to be more creative. You may want to stop by your local pet shop drunk wielding driving sticks and tap on that stupid boa’s tank more obnoxiously than you’ve ever done before until the Assistant Manager asks you not to (then go fuck with the hamsters).
In absence of an actual snake you could use a picture of a snake. Simply print a picture of a snake off your computer then crumple it up and throw it out your window shouting “Fuck you snake I’m Saint Patrick!”. If you’re able to drive you could also take the picture of the snake, drive it out to the country, and leave it there, possibly flipping it off as you drive away.
One last note about this several years ago I decided to “drive my trouser snake from my pants” in public. This caused quite an uproar at the children’s St. Patrick’s day march which I attribute to women and children being afraid of snakes.
Tip 2: Stay in a Loveless Marriage
St. Patrick’s day is rooted in Irish Catholic tradition and as such when celebrating it you should adhere to Irish Catholic customs. Divorce is frowned upon by the Irish Catholics so often instead of seeking out happiness with a new lover they just stay in a loveless marriage and cheat on each other just like Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Tip 3: Hold Off on That Abortion!
Abortion is another custom that is frowned upon by Irish Catholics so if you were planning on starting the holiday with a quick womb scrape before heading off to the bar think again. Don’t worry though one more day won’t make a difference and if it does you’ll join the Irish tradition of being stuck with a child that nobody wants! The great thing about waiting until after St. Patty’s is that chances are you’ll have already drunk your baby dead and won’t even need to go to the clinic (or in the Bible Belt the alley behind the church).
Tip 4: Apply For Jobs
Irish history wasn’t all drinking and lucky charms…. Alright Irish history wasn’t all lucky charms. Between 1830 and up to the 1930’s Irish Americans were heavily discriminated against by employers because of their alcoholism and general incompetence. Employers would post signs with the acronym “NINA” which stood for “No Irish Need Apply” to discourage the Irish from applying for jobs at their businesses.
Thankfully we have matured as people and don’t need signs saying we don’t hire the Irish, everyone now knows not to hire the Irish so there is no need for signs (also most Irish can’t read so signs were pointless). Anyway if you’re Irish and can read and write (not likely, that’s why this article will get no hits) it is your duty to exercise your freedom to apply for employment. I suggest grabbing a stack of job applications and take them straight to the bar where you spend all day coloring them with crayons because you’re Irish and cannot read or write.
Tip 5: Get Raped, Beat Up, and Become A Male Prostitute on the Old Main Drag
This is pretty self-explanatory. But here’s video to explain it.
Things to Avoid:
1. Don’t take cab rides from Americans:
In fact don’t take anything from Americans that trip could cost you seven years indentured servitude, if you need to stop at the liquor store ten. There is one exception though which involves being a hot Irish girl.
2. Do Not Let An Englishman Have Half Your Stuff:
They won’t give it back and will likely paint everything orange.
3. Driving on St. Patty’s Day
Seriously the police are out in force. Last thing you need is to get arrested because you let an Irishman drive your car. The Irish can’t read road signs and are dazzled by the colors and shapes. You’re best off just driving drunk.
Have Safe and Solemn St. Patty’s Day Everyone!
Filling out job applications with best green crayon – Dr. Intoxicated
