Do It Yourself Anarchy

Barack Obama Doesn't Care About Mole People!

2011-10-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

As representative of the Moloid peoples and the dwellers of Subterranea I must speak out about the great injustices being perpetrated against underground dwellers by one called “Barack Obama”.

For too long Subterranean Americans have been kept in the dark (figure of speech we like being in the actual dark, damn your surface metaphors.) as to the running of the country we dwell beneath. We are sick of the topographically top percent making all the decisions as to who can dig where, whose drills can screw our cavernous cities, who gets to steal our precious elemental resources, and rape our mole women (okay, nobody has tried to rape our mole women even our most beautiful supermodel Ruth Bader Ginsberg). It is time we take a hunched over stand!

During his campaign and repeatedly after Barack Obama has promised to plunge the world into darkness promising to fund solar initiatives aimed at draining the awful sun of its power via absorption by solar panels. Three years later the sun still sits in the sky a constant terrorist threat to the Moloids, yet Obama has promised to make America safer! Why does this promise not extend to subterranea?

Name one pro-moleman initiative Barack Obama has supported? I bet you can’t.

Worse he pleads ignorance of our problems. When BP’s gross ignorance caused a cave-in at the city of Rocklar with their drunken pococurante drill poking he just let them walk away with no burning in the molten pits below. When the dome of great city of Hothdar cracked letting in awful, awful sunlight who was out there handing out spf 1000 sunscreen? Not Obama. To this day the Hothdarians still must hide in the surrounding caverns during your pitiful hours of sunlight. FEMA has forgotten about us.

Only the Republican and Tea Parties have adequately represented our interest in eliminating the surface dwellers. Some with this idea called “rapture” in which they do everything possible to hasten their own demise from dimming education, handing nuclear weapons to contentious careless aggressors, and facilitating the mass production of carcinogens that simulate the hot molten conditions of the lower underworld.

Until the surface world is plunged into eternal darkness I stand by my statement.

Barack Obama doesn’t care about mole people.

10 reasons why we shouldn't defund NPR

2011-03-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

With the economy the way it is there is no doubt the government is looking for things to cut back on. Sure we have trillions tied up in pointless foreign wars, subsidies for billionaires, live babies to feed Sarah Palin (that baby she holds in public is not her child, it's her snack.), and hush money to keep all those gay prostitutes Rick Santorum frequents quiet but those things can't be helped. As always cutbacks fall on education (hopefully the rapture will come before the future gets here) and NPR. While attempting to pay of the national debt/deficit by cutting some of the least funded programs is much like giving up your daily insulin to pay for a $500,000 dollar yacht in the middle of landlocked Candyland there are still groups ineffectively pus hing for this inane budget change.

Maybe I'm jaded by my enjoyment of the news and knowledge of things like this so lets look at some of possible results of defunding NPR.

10 Reasons Why We Shouldn't Defund NPR

1. They will add fart sound effects between stories during the BBC world news.

2. Regional Local Interest shows will be forced to cover things that are actually interesting.

3. Only half the things will be considered on "All things considered".

4. In an attempt to get enough ratings to stay on the air Diane Rhem will resort to showing her boobs.

5. "Talk of the Nation" will be forced to include what the nation is really talking about, fart jokes and Charlie Sheen.

6. Science Friday will be forced to include mediocre soft sciences like Psychology and Sociology.

7. Neal Conan sucks at pan handling.

8. Prairie Home Companion will get twice the airtime.

9. The woman who reads the news hour brief will be forced to pepper in world news during sex chat on her 900 number. Phrases like "Yes penetrate me hard like united nations forces did today while entering Libyan airspace", "I've spilled oil all over my hot jugs much like the spill found today in gulf that appears to be leaking from the Matterhorn Seastar oil rig.", "I'm having 7 orgasms which was the number votes cast in the Supreme court to overide a decision made by the Kansas State legislature", and "Yes poop on my chest, today MIT announced plans to utilize human waste as biofuel to generate electricity.".

10. Terry Gross will be forced to become a prostitute.

Tips For Properly Celebrating St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

St. Patrick’s day is truly a wonderful excuse to get drunk on a weekday and expose yourself to motorists. However with all the vomiting and penis flailing it is easy to forget the reason for this grand celebration. Here are a few things you can incorporate into your holiday to ensure you celebrate in a genuine Irish way and not a B.U. frat boy who needs an excuse to have his first gay experience kind of way.

Tip 1. Drive Snakes From Places

Anyone who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is well aware of….. Okay nobody who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is a aware of anything other than whether their glass is full or empty. I was going to say that everyone who celebrates St. Patrick’s day is well aware of the tale of St. Patrick driving the snakes from Ireland. To continue this legacy it is more than fitting to find snakes and drive them from places.

In warm climates this is fairly easy but in colder climates where the snakes are still dormant in March you may need to be more creative. You may want to stop by your local pet shop drunk wielding driving sticks and tap on that stupid boa’s tank more obnoxiously than you’ve ever done before until the Assistant Manager asks you not to (then go fuck with the hamsters).

In absence of an actual snake you could use a picture of a snake. Simply print a picture of a snake off your computer then crumple it up and throw it out your window shouting “Fuck you snake I’m Saint Patrick!”. If you’re able to drive you could also take the picture of the snake, drive it out to the country, and leave it there, possibly flipping it off as you drive away.

One last note about this several years ago I decided to “drive my trouser snake from my pants” in public. This caused quite an uproar at the children’s St. Patrick’s day march which I attribute to women and children being afraid of snakes.

Tip 2: Stay in a Loveless Marriage

St. Patrick’s day is rooted in Irish Catholic tradition and as such when celebrating it you should adhere to Irish Catholic customs. Divorce is frowned upon by the Irish Catholics so often instead of seeking out happiness with a new lover they just stay in a loveless marriage and cheat on each other just like Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Tip 3: Hold Off on That Abortion!

Abortion is another custom that is frowned upon by Irish Catholics so if you were planning on starting the holiday with a quick womb scrape before heading off to the bar think again. Don’t worry though one more day won’t make a difference and if it does you’ll join the Irish tradition of being stuck with a child that nobody wants! The great thing about waiting until after St. Patty’s is that chances are you’ll have already drunk your baby dead and won’t even need to go to the clinic (or in the Bible Belt the alley behind the church).

Tip 4: Apply For Jobs

Irish history wasn’t all drinking and lucky charms…. Alright Irish history wasn’t all lucky charms. Between 1830 and up to the 1930’s Irish Americans were heavily discriminated against by employers because of their alcoholism and general incompetence. Employers would post signs with the acronym “NINA” which stood for “No Irish Need Apply” to discourage the Irish from applying for jobs at their businesses.

Thankfully we have matured as people and don’t need signs saying we don’t hire the Irish, everyone now knows not to hire the Irish so there is no need for signs (also most Irish can’t read so signs were pointless). Anyway if you’re Irish and can read and write (not likely, that’s why this article will get no hits) it is your duty to exercise your freedom to apply for employment. I suggest grabbing a stack of job applications and take them straight to the bar where you spend all day coloring them with crayons because you’re Irish and cannot read or write.

Tip 5: Get Raped, Beat Up, and Become A Male Prostitute on the Old Main Drag

This is pretty self-explanatory. But here’s video to explain it.

Things to Avoid:

1. Don’t take cab rides from Americans:

In fact don’t take anything from Americans that trip could cost you seven years indentured servitude, if you need to stop at the liquor store ten. There is one exception though which involves being a hot Irish girl.

2. Do Not Let An Englishman Have Half Your Stuff:

They won’t give it back and will likely paint everything orange.

3. Driving on St. Patty’s Day

Seriously the police are out in force. Last thing you need is to get arrested because you let an Irishman drive your car. The Irish can’t read road signs and are dazzled by the colors and shapes. You’re best off just driving drunk.

Have Safe and Solemn St. Patty’s Day Everyone!

Filling out job applications with best green crayon – Dr. Intoxicated

Some of Sarah Palin's Other Artwork

2011-01-13T13:38:00.000-08:00

A lot of people are making a big deal about the map of America on Sarah Palin's website that featured gun crosshairs on Congresswoman and recent runner up recipient of God's infinite love Gabrielle Giffords. Through investigative photoshopping (a news gathering technique I learned from Fox News) I've uncovered several sketches by Mrs. Palin and it really just seems like a harmless symbol like that of a tagger, a swastika, or the "no books allowed" symbol on all the signs welcoming people to Kansas. And why not? From these sketches Palin seems like quite the artist deserving of her own autograph. I'll let you decide.

As you can see even a very young Sarah Palin was interested in politics, this exquisite sketch done in magic marker was drawn in 1968 when little miss Palin was just 6, barely old enough to have her first abortion!

This is another very nice piece done by a 20 year old Palin (currently known as just Sarah Heath "the girl who licks all the salt licks you put out to attract deer"). While this was done over a year before a psychotic fiend bearing a similar likeness went on a murderous perversity of serial pizza slaughterings I'm sure an America hater like United States President Obama or that dick Thomas Jefferson would suggest otherwise.

This one is very interesting, not only does it reveal Palin as a fan of the Simpsons but it was clearly done during her "learn to use money grubbing Jew words" class (I'm not sure that's an actual class but the phrase "money grubbing Jews" appeared many times in the same notebook).
It's quite good, almost as good as Adolf Hitler's drawings of Disney characters.

There were more of Mrs. Palin's sketches but this is a PG site and the majority of Palin's sketches involve her engaging in racy lesbian sex and participating in satanic orgies while listening to Whitesnake.

How To Use Awesome Plan

2010-10-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

Awesome plan is a revolutionary new plan that can be used for all problems.

Q. Forgive me for being a total impotent slack brained sycophant who should not reproduce but, what is “Awesome Plan”?

A. Yes you certainly are all those things. Awesome plan consists only of referring to awesome plan and explaining how awesome awesome plan is.

Awesome plan is fool proof.

Whenever someone has a problem tell them to use awesome plan.

Q. Does “Awesome Plan” actually ever solve any problems?

A. That’s beauty of it! While it doesn’t solve any actual problems it is amusing to the suggesting party and places all burden back onto the party with the problem and blames them completely for not having solved said problem with the obvious “awesome plan” in front of them.

Example of using Awesome Plan properly:

Limp Dicked Non-Awesome Dork: What do I do about blah blah blah (something homoerotic) blah blah

You: Awesome plan is awesome, use awesome plan.

LDNAD : What is your awesome plan?

You: Awesome plan is awesome, it combines elements of awesomeness from a broad spectrum of awesomeness.

LNDAD: But what is it? How do I use it? (Whines like sissy bitch who just had his teddy bear raped)

You: Dude I’m sick of mincing coxcombry and effeminate chicanery, just use awesome plan already.

At this point you leave the room, or just shake your head in disgust.

Awesome !

Thumbtacks: The Next Miracle Superfood!

2010-08-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

Superfood: a term sometimes used to describe food with high phytonutrient content that may confer health benefits as a result. For example, blueberries are often considered a superfood (or superfruit) because they contain significant amounts of antioxidants, anthocyanins, vitamin C, manganese, and dietary fiber.The term is not in common currency amongst dieticians and nutritional scientists, many of whom dispute the claims made that consuming particular foodstuffs can have a health benefit. There is no legal definition of the term and it has been alleged that this has led to it being over-used as a marketing tool. (Citation: Wikipedia)

Everyone is looking for the new superfood, quinoa is quickly becoming passe and is grossly non-phonetic, wheat grass tastes like crystal light and regular grass, and salmon? Well salmon has its benefits but is as unfashionable as any article of clothing that is identified as the color “salmon” which is a color reversed for the proudly homosexual or old colorblind men who have completely given up on sexual relations for the rest of their lives.

Allow me to digress for a moment to answer the question “why do we need a new superfood?”. The answer is simple we demand our health food to be efficient, all our miraculous nature defying anti-aging, pro-aphrodisiac, weight controlling nutrients or chemicals must be rolled into one simple thing we can eat a lot of.

Why just one thing instead of a range of healthy balanced foods? It is long believed by unreasonable medical quackery that and wacky expert nutritionists that we need to eat a range of healthy foods but they’ve only spent lifetimes researching this stuff, many have never even paid the $3000 to get a certificate in holistic mysticism from Herbal Mentalist Camp or even successfully completed the 6 hour weekend seminar in the preternatural catharsis that is a Saturday afternoon in Sedona. It is unreasonable to think we could incorporate all these healthy foods into our diets, we need one simple superfood that we can eat to make up 10% or less of our diet so we have room left over for the 90% total body sodomizing crap that we eat the rest of the time.

I believe I have discovered the next superfood while simply sitting at my desk. Thumbtacks.

Sure I could bore you all with fancy scientific words like “harlequin ichthyosis” or explain why I chose thumbtacks instead of dragonfruit, human embryos, or anything else traditionally considered to be part of the food kingdom. But instead I will go straight to the benefits of eating thumbtacks.

The Benefits Of Thumbtack Consumption:

Thumbtacks are the ideal superfood, they’re lightweight, portable, contain no fat, are low in cholesterol, contain no sugar, and are also low in sodium making them ideal for a range of dietary needs.

Nutritional Value Of Thumbtacks:

Thumbtacks contain essential metals and metal is a “mineral”. Thumbtacks come in a variety of nutritional colors and often contain the essential dietary roughage known as “plastic”.

Health Benefits:

Eating thumbtacks is great exercise for the jaws and teeth, since they are generally made of more powerful substances than traditional edible foods. Also thumbtacks contain essential “sharpness” with stimulates bloodflow to and in the mouth while toughening the esophagus, stomach, and colon on the way through the digestive system.

Preparation:

Thumbtacks can be eaten raw or cooked into sauces, soups, baked goods etc.. If cooking thumbtacks one should be aware that metal heats up very rapidly and that the plastic handled variety being less hardy than the stainless steel version tend to melt in high heat so they are best tossed into a salad or sprinkled over ice cream. Be careful not to overcook your thumbtacks as they conduct heat quite well and you could accidentally burn your mouth.

Epilogue:

While the nutrition of thumbtacks and my claims have not been evaluated by the FDA or any scientific body it has undergone the same strict scrutiny that you would expect at any herbalist, holistic psychic, orChristian book store, or Organic Market.

Also they’re shiny and jingle so babies love them!

Potheads are the reason pot is illegal

2010-07-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

Business professionals and members of government aren’t going to listen to some white dude with dreads, in fact no one should ever listen to a white dude with dreads for any reason. Your lute solo or fatty dank grilled cheese sandwich won’t get marijuana legalized either. In fact anything you have to offer won’t help unless you have tons of money to fund lawyers, economists, and scientists. Chances are you will not be able to raise this kind of money selling beads and glass pieces in a 7-11 parking lot.

Look at the people looking to keep pot illegal. These people have scientists, economists, doctors, and lawyers, on their side willing to tow their line. Pro legalization side does too, but the difference is we have tye dyed bongo players and people who advocate cop killing donning $200 high tops with rims on them as well. To illustrate my point let’s a take a look at the marijuana pro-legalization side of the debate (Paraphrased of course as I am not a scientist, economist, or lawyer).

Scientist: Marijuana has proven effective in treating a range of illnesses, from glaucoma to stimulating appetite in chemotherapy patients, also it appears to have relatively few side effects compared to many of the drugs used to treat the same conditions. Also THC is a unique molecule that stimulates the neuroreceptor responsible for forgetting memories which may lead to new autism treatments if it is legalized and studied.

Legal Professional: The cost of prosecuting, arresting, and jailing marijuana users ludicrously exorbitant. The legal system would benefit financially while reducing prison overcrowding and unclogging the courts if marijuana was decriminalized. (Of course lawyers and private prisons do make tons of money defending said potheads).

Economist: While some industries such as the private prison complex, big pharma, and ethanol will face some losses taxation on marijuana it will create new industries and stimulate existing industries that may prove more sustainable with lower overhead cost. New drug patents based on marijuana and new process patents for processing hemp into textiles will offer American companies room for growth and an advantage over foreign competitors. Though the recreational use of the drug will also be a large part of this it will become taxed and controlled generating state, local, and federal revenue.

Pothead: Legalize pot you fascists! I wanna get high as fuck and sit on my ass, maybe listen to the new Phish album. Snooch to the booch!

Alright one of these is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong, if you guess which thing is not like the other, then you’re probably not stoned.

Time for an unnecessary but possibly funny analogy, let’s say you’re at a town hall meeting and there is a proposal to build a park up on the docket. The proposed park is a great idea, but a nearby company has also shown interest in turning the land the proposed park would be on into a dumping ground. They have money behind them even if their purpose isn’t the best for the community. So the first guy gets up to speak in front of the town council, he’s the principal of the school and he says “the kids in this town need a place to go after school, some good wholesome place where they can run and play”. The council agrees with his point. Next is the head of the town beautification committee, some obnoxious insufferable cunt she says “this park could greatly beautify the city and is a great addition to or town even if it attracts children”. Alright that hurdle has been passed the bitch agrees next up is the tourism board fruit. This guy minces on up and says straight up “the park will bring tourist revenue to our community, I don’t see why we haven’t done it already.”. Then right before the town council is about to approve the park the town pedophile stands up and says “yeah that park is a great idea man, a park full of children, that is so fucking hot man! Go park!”. The council decides to hold off on decision until next meeting. The meeting comes along and everyone is more prepared, charts, analysis the whole works, desperately trying distance the park from the idea of a pedophile single’s bar. The park is about to finally pass and the pedophile and some of his pedophile buddies bust in with signs that say “approve molestation park!” then he gets up and makes a speech about how the park will attract tourism in the form of more pedophiles peppering his speech with creepy sexual innuendos about children. The council decides that they’ll hold off on the decision until the pedophile stuff dies down. This angers the pedophiles so they organize a pro-park benefit concert, Gary Glitter, Lou Perleman, Justin Bieber all play the concert, cartoons are shown and enough money is raised to buy the land, build the park, and provide maintenance for the next 50 years. This causes a scandal soon the rational people who wanted the park have been drowned out by the pedophiles, soon the whole town is screaming that they don’t want a park because all the goddamn pedophiles. The park fails, the dump is built.

Pedophiles claim to love the kids that they hurt.

Potheads claim to love the pot they hurt.

Sometimes you should shut up and let the lawyers do the talking.

Distorical Posters: Round 1

2010-06-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

Remember those posters you'd see in school as a kid? The posters with famous historical figures on them and usually some sort of inspirational quote to help get you through your mom and dad's divorce and your step dad's drunken beatings and the episodes of Saturday Night Live after the great Norm Macdonald got fired for being too funny? They were pretty sweet, unfortunately the kids today are Re-BET-tarded and can't understand phrases like "All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.". There is no doubt that posters and people on them are worthy of the status of wall decoration so I had to "sample" quotes from people/characters of similar names jut to keep them "crunk". See if you can guess who I'm really quoting.

A Swift And Delicious Proposal....

2010-05-31T19:48:00.000-07:00

America has a food crisis that concerns our future generations. No I’m not talking about the rampant popularity the food network’s answer to Fred Durst a decade too late and too lame Guy Fieri and I’m not talking about childhood obesity caused mostly by lazy parenting. I will say that deficient parenting is part of the predicament but in this case it is the solution and not the problem.

Anyone who has ever watched the Maury show knows that there is at least 12 seasons of unwanted pregnancies crawling around out there and that’s just those lucky/dumb enough to end up on Maury. Face it with the human population out of control and worse parenting than ever we have a crisis. In fact the major cause of pollution and global warming is overpopulation, think about all the extra cows that must be raised and crops to feed them.

One of the less popular but more novel ideas is to shift our food source towards microproteins which is a euphemism for eating bugs. Though looked at as weird in the U.S. it is extremely common in other countries like Indonesia and probably Canada if we hold them in a full nelson and shove bugs in their “ay-holes”. Sure in eating cockroaches is a novel idea if you live in places like New York City or Sarah Palin’s vagina but what about places that aren’t filthy and devoid of intelligent life?

If only there was some way to cure the food crisis and reduce population at the same time?

If you can’t guess where I’m headed with this you’ve never ever read anything I’ve written or even looked at the photoshop at the top of the article. So let’s just do a quick analysis of pros.

1. As A Food Source- Babies are juicy and tender like veal and only the size of a chicken and can easily be produced at home (but not raised). Through the incompetent lazy people at the FDA have yet to release or look into producing a nutrition facts sticker for babies by weight you can assume they are high in protein and iron and low in fat. So basically eating a baby it healthier than anything sold at McDonald’s and far less globally destructive.

2. Economically - Instead of paying thousands to raise these unwanted children we could earn money by selling them for food. Why buy birth control of condoms or even get them free when you could be irresponsible and get paid for it? Maury would be off air as no one would care anymore who the father is or the father would go on the show to find out he could get a cut of the sale. Also it will fuel the epicurean industry with sales of rotisseries, and tools to crack the soft spot in their head open like a lobster. When unwanted pregnancies become a delicacy suddenly restaurants in poor neighborhoods (close to the source of a lot of unwanted pregnancies) will be haute cuisine fueling the local economy!

3. No religious objections – While you’ll get constant objections to condom distribution, sex education, abortion there has been no documentation suggesting God is against killing fully developed actual babies.. God has no problem with baby killing but hates abortion because of the lack of suffering, he wants that baby to suffer just a little bit before he offs them, also the woman giving birth suffers, as long as there is suffering God is down. In fact there are numerous occurrences in the Bible in which God wants a child dead. Here are a couple examples (paraphrased in dialogue)

To King Solomon

God to Solomon – hey man cut a baby in half

Solomon - Ah I see the true mother would rather give it up than see it harmed!

God – yeah sure dude, sounds good to me.

To Abraham

God – Yo Abraham, do me a favor, go kill that first born son of yours

Abraham – Ah to test my faith!

God- yeah… something like that.

To Moses

Moses – God the Pharaoh won’t release my people from bondage!

God – Alright man cool, I’ll just kill all the first born sons in Egypt and…

Moses – Whoa man, hold up, isn’t that a bit harsh, I was thinking more like sending down some lightning and scaring him into freeing us or maybe a plague or two but this is a bit far.

God – Don’t tell me how to do my job, dick. Man if I hear one more complaint out of you Jews….

So in other words Bon Appetite you defiliating dapifers! Just don’t listen to Food Network when preparing your infantile indulgence or 9 months of hard work will literally end up a culinary abortion.

How To Make An Indy Movie Soundtrack

2010-05-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

The reason most people remember indy movies is because many of them have great soundtracks, no matter how awful the actual movie is (I.E. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, even Kate Dennings supple chested pederast appeal couldn’t help this hipster quagmire despite Michael Cera’s stunning performance as a Woody Allen blow up doll with a slow leak)

1. The Underrated Older Mass Appeal Song - This is your most important song, your hook. You need a popular song from an old school band that still has indy cred, The Cure, The Smiths, The Pixies, Echo and The Bunny Men, New Order, Joy Division. This is essential as it’s what convinces people to listen to your soundtrack and probably watch your bad movie. It’s important the song is melancholy so people know your movie is” deep” and that if people don’t like it they just don’t “get” it.

2. The Fringe Popular Songs - Get a couple popular bands that haven’t really broken into the mainstream so they still seem cool to everyone but the most ironic of hipsters (who still love them secretly and not ironically). Wilco, Morningwood, and The Strokes are all good examples. You have to show the audience that “yeah we get you, we think you’re cool, and we’re cool to let’s be cool together and sit in a coffee shop sipping lattes pretending to be important on our laptops. Maybe we’ll grow soul patches and hit the urban outfitters later.” These are the non-threatening bands that are just catchy and obscure enough to get people to buy the album.

3. The Cover Song Done By Someone You’ve Never Heard Of - Now you need a cover song done by a relatively unknown artist. This will seal the deal. Take an older hit song and get a band to cover it. If it’s a fast song make it slow and acoustic, if it’s a slow song make it fast and electric. Take a Doris Day song and have a suicidal junky sing it, maybe do an electro-pop version of Frank Sinatra’s “What A Wonderful World”. The only real rule here is do not make sad songs happy and no hardcore, thrash, metal etc.. Also avoid long obnoxious techno and anything that can be associated with non-white people. You don’t want to scare them off.

4. Foreign Language Song - Either take a previously popular song and have someone perform it in either French, Italian, or Spanish or use a song that’s already in one of those languages. As long as it’s slow and acoustic no one will mind. The importance of this song is to appeal to people who want to pretend they are worldly and culturally educated and sensitive. The illusion that this film has made you and expert on foreign affairs because you’ve heard the Spanish version of “Our Lips Are Sealed”.

5. A Background Score Track - Package some background music in from whomever did your movie score. It’s filler but you can also use it to fleece the composer by promising them a percentage of the soundtrack sales instead of paying them outright.

6. Movie Dialogue Tracks - Two tracks with movie dialogue so they don’t forget it’s from your movie. After listening to the soundtrack enough people will forget how bad the movie was and go see it again either by renting or purchasing the DVD.

7. Some Shitty Song By Someone Related To The Movie – I could a song by the Production Assistant’s band or the Director’s half retarded nephew, the key is that it’s cheap, pleases someone at the study, and has never been heard outside a pot smoke filled basement full of the deadbeats producing it. This will show the hipsters you’re one of them, one of them worthless assholes who will still be a clerk at the record store 20 years from now.

8. The Sad Moral Struggle Song – I know its redundant mentioning this song as it’s usually covered by half the album already. A token depressing song that is almost always a sad “why did I screw up” love song. There is usually 3 or 4 of these on the soundtrack already in some form or another.

9. The Token “Let’s Have Fun/Party/Everything Will Be Alright” Song – This song is the upbeat one that says “hey a bunch of stuff happened but it’s all cool now so let’s all party”. So they spend all movie making you sad and confused but it’s all cool, no hard feelings, everything turned out pointless let’s party! After all you’ve become close to the characters, you care what happens to them now no matter how un-hip and un-cool it is to care about things that weren’t from childhood cartoons.

10. The Bonus Track – This can be any piece of crap you find, as long as it’s either goofy or sung by cast members, most likely both. It could be sassy and campy to highlight a totally unnecessary involving ancillary homosexual characters who were forced into the plot for diversity reasons in which they dance and sing into hairbrushes (as it is a common fact that all gay men dance and sing into hairbrushes, it’s just nature at work). Either way it’s going to be awful and not worth listening to unless it’s by either Wesley Willis or Daniel Johnston.

Now that my indy movie soundtrack is complete it’s time to go find retro things and ironically make them popular with hipsters again. Hey hipsters, aids was really popular during the 80’s maybe you should all get aids ironically! Come on it’ll make you even more pale and thin and unhealthy than going vegan and you can look like heroin addicts with none of the fun and incite that comes with doing heroin! Hooray for aids!

I Demand That No More Images Be Posted Of The Prophet.

2010-05-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Religious intolerance has gotten out of control. Certain shows and internet sites think it’s funny to post pictures of the Prophet despite it being against my religious law which has no bearing on anything unless I lash out like a psychopath and attack you for doing so or as in most cases our regional religious rival who have everything to gain from our downfall commits said acts and claims to be staunch believers in the Prophet despite being funded by our Zubat rivals.

Just this week I’ve seen the prophet depicted in pieces (combo as it’s called), on women’s breasts, and even in leather like some sort of BSDM.

THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

The Prophet Slowhammed will not be disrespected, nor will the Islowmic religion. Even in mass media the prophet is parodied as an idiot, the breme creators of the show “Pokemon” have even used a bumbling version of the prophet as a side character even going as far as to include him as a playable character in videogames often misrepresenting his transcendental evolution as a farcical idiotic happenstance.

For you idiots who believe this “Pokemon” bullshit I will clear up a few things about the Prophet Slowhammed.

1. He is not stupid, he simply takes time to thoroughly analyze the problem before speaking and referring you back to the only true divine answer which is “Slowpoke”.

2. Slowhammed’s First Evolution was not by some bumbling accident in which he dangled his tail accidently in the water and it was bit by a malapert shellder. No the Prophet had sat for many months meditating over worldly matters, realizing that for true peace and earthly unification he must present himself as a martyr to the dwellers of the sea so that land and sea may be joined in holy unity. The shellder an apostle of what the prophet’s tail could teach him begrudgingly agreed to this union knowing that despite the pain it would cause the prophet it would allow the message of unity through martyrdom permeate the land and sea. The Prophet reached out with his mighty posterior appendage and lifted the creature of the sea into the light saving him with his infinite kindness.

3. Slowbro, brother to all: Now on hind legs the time for sitting and meditating was over. He was to walk upright and spread the message of brotherly love and introspection the best he knew how (with his infinite knowledge) he knew his message must be short and simple or the commoners would reject it. And in the gospel it is written as “Slowbro”. Slow as in introspective, thought out and Bro as in brother, so “Introspective Brother”. As he traveled he learned, from the Lapras he learned Icebeam, Focus Punch from the Hitmonchan , and so on. Finally prepared to seek his thrown calm yet bold in his knowledge of the elements Slowbro knew it was time to no longer be a brother to all to take his right place of power.

4. The Ascent of the Slowking: Though blasphemers would have you believe that the slowwitted Prophet decided to place the shellder on his head like a crown unaware of its poisonous LSD like toxins that seeped into the Prophet’s brain driving him mad and making him believe he was some great monarch the real story is that of the ages. Slowbro brother to all began his ascent to king’s rock for his final meditation and to assume control of the kingdom of heaven however the shellder grew jealous of the prophet, the prophet knew this but remained loyal to his apostle. When the time had come to elevate himself onto the king’s rock Slowbro realized that the shellder’s jealousy in feeling of inequality was weighing him down. Instead of shedding the pathetic meek sea dweller Slowbro instead did what all great leaders do for their loyal slaves, he elevated him from the tail to his head allowing greater mental, physical, and cosmic balance as he embraced the king’s rock and his new kingdom.

5. The jealous Zu and Golbats became jealous of the prophet who took the king’s rock which was once theirs (before being pushed off it dozens of times by tougher pokemon and occasionally getting it back with moves like “confusion” and the whiny “Supersonic”). The Zu and Golbats tricked other pokemon into giving them TM’s often using “confusion”, “supersonic”, and secretly using “payday” (they know it but will lie if you ask about it) so they could wage war on the Prophet and take his King’s Rock which was really of no use to them. The Slowking a peaceful creature was besieged and finally knocked unconscious with no berries, potions, or Pokemon centers nearby he collapsed for the last time and ascended to heaven.

I pity those of you who could insult such a great heroic savior, such a wise peaceful Prophet who only wants you to love and do exactly what he says as his immortal slaves or be killed by someone who does. Religion no matter how fictional and illogical deserves your tolerance and respect because we will kill you to prove we are logically superior and attack and declare your “science” wrong because we don’t feel like understanding it and we will show it no respect as we depend on it to live every day. Feel our infinite love through death if you disagree!

NOW I MUST ASK YOU THE QUESTION OF YOUR LIFE DO YOU EMBRACE SCIENCE OR ARE YOU A SLOWPOKE?

LT then and now

2010-05-06T10:08:00.001-07:00

What The Economy Needs.... More Cigarettes.

2010-02-15T13:24:00.001-08:00

So the all mighty dollar is looking about as mighty as an MTV rapper without his security team. The U.S. dollar’s value has been on a steady decline for years much like Ben Stein’s career (which was never anything more than mediocre). Sure years of bad choices are turning the U.S. dollar into the Courtney Love of currency, once proud and admirable but now battered and whorish. So what do we do? Well we could doing something rash like close taxes loopholes for corporations, regulate the banks, stop devaluing the dollar by overproducing it, and require an import tax on non-perishable products to encourage/penalize companies into producing their products in the U.S. strengthening our overall economy or we could just let it collapse and find a new currency…. So America needs a new currency!

If you watch a lot of day time television (and you do you jobless bum) the obvious choice would be gold, after all Cash 4 Gold’s free pamphlet and persuasive arguments by mediocre “celebrities” we thought were dead would suggest that the shiny commodity of the past is our future. Our course gold is heavy and not easily stored in fact only Long Island Italians would whole heartedly embrace the gold standard. Also gold is around forever so it can’t be easily destroyed or recalled to control its value and there is no real way of keeping track of it. No we need something of value we can control production of and devalue at will.

In prison and in prison movies there are two major sources of currency cigarettes and ass. Ass is a commodity that quickly becomes devalued if you don’t watch it and would make simple transactions on the outside such as purchasing a 7/11 taquito much more costly and difficult “okay, so you can either fuck me in the ass for 4 seconds now or wait until I’ve accrued 6 taquitos, a slurpee, and 4 copies of Juggs magazine for a full 3 minutes” (of course that 4 seconds would have to be split between regional, corporate, the suppliers, producers, employees well you catch my drift. Also it would really suck to be boss come pay day for the employees). So at the risk of becoming unpopular I will go out on a limb and say that ass sex probably won’t work to well as a standalone currency, sorry Spencer Pratt I know how eager you were to get rich again (his ass is already probably looser than Eddie Murphy’s definition of the word “woman”). Also women would be born with twice the currency flipping the status quo and men would be trapped under the “ass ceiling”.

Now ass might not work but I still think prisons are a good place to look, after all 1 out of every 100 Americans is in prison/jail currently and with unemployment on the rise along with crime it’s a growing industry. In fact if we did use a prison based currency it would transition from jailed life and invisibly jailed life much easier for Americans. So let’s examine the other popular currency used in prisons, cigarettes.

Cigarettes are paper much like our current currency and they’re light weight. They’re also easily destroyed and can be smoked so it would be easy to correct market issues making them nearly impossible to effectively devalue for more than a couple months. Also in comparisons to other currencies on the world scale cigarettes are valuable just about everywhere. In Europe especially France they love cigarettes so the cigarette would hold up very well and may even surpass the Euro in value (it pretty much has in Eastern Europe already). In Russia and China you can already use cigarettes as currency so the cigarette will remain strong in China’s expanding economy (India loves tobacco too, but they have better stuff than us).

So switching our currency to cigarettes works well on a global scale but what about domestically? Well the healthcare industry in its current state is huge business and cancer is a leading driving force in this business and with smoking cigarettes being a major cause of cancer you have created a self sustaining economic cycle. The only way you can escape this glorious display of capitalism would be to die… Actually not even death would allow you to escape capitalism as the rise in deaths would stimulate mortuary industry!

So America stimulate the economy with stimulants and look cool doing it! You've got currency to burn!

How Avatar Would Actually Happen

2010-02-08T14:02:00.001-08:00

Avatar. Wow, what a movie. So visually stimulating, especially in imax. Hooray humanity looses in the end! Boo humanity! Yay big blue hippies!

Alright now that I’m finished pandering to James Cameron and patronizing the special effects crowd (the effects were amazing by the way) it’s time to analyze how things would actually happen. It is slightly insulting to assume that humanity with our exceedingly enormous capacity for war and destruction would lose a fight to a bunch of naked horse riding blue hippies. In fact if there is only one thing humanity excels at it’s our capacity to destroy the environment and native cultures that respect the environment. We would never go in and make our intentions direct and clear, we learned that with the American Indians in the Black Mountains. No we’d do what we do best, infect their culture with the worst of humanity without warning and ease them into lethargic complacency.

Step 1: The Peace Offering

This is the cornerstone of any successful campaign to destroy a culture without having to fight them at full strength. Start with a friendly gift or dinner under the guise of “cultural exchange” now small pox blankets or a Rosie O’Donnel comedy CD is simply too vile to begin with, plus smallpox may not effect them the same way as it does us as they are genetically different from us. Let’s start with a disease that we’re sure can spread to all cultures causing obesity, heart disease, hamburglary, and general lethargy. I’m speaking of the scourge of the sesame seed bun McDonald’s. Every culture McDonald’s has infiltrated has seen exponential rises in obesity, heart disease, and rises in the criminal act of hamburgarly (a felony in some countries). Japan once a proud fish eating nation is now battling national obesity for the first time ever, soon Japanese pornography with the skinny little prepubescent girl pooping on your chest in a subway train will be gone forever replaced with a portly saggy woman offering to “make your break today” for a vagina full of french fries. Simply introduce the bluebodies to some to McDonald’s as “the delicacy of Earth”. They may be disgusted at first (as they should be) but eventually they’ll be eating it every meal.

After we open up a McDonald’s it’s time to introduce them to alcohol. The good old firewater has fucked up more cultures than Jay Leno has fucked up good jokes (alright that’s hyperbole, there aren’t enough ravaged cultures to compare to Leno’s concentration camp of comedy.). Give booze to even the noblest native leader and weeks later they’re wearing the sacred headdress on their ass, pawning ancient pottery, and trading the great moon spirit for moonshine and American spirits.

2: Introduce Drugs

Look most of them already seem to be on ecstasy and they’re all about “being one with nature” and altered consciousness and other things humans excel at. Simply spread the Navi equivalent of crack around their deciduous commorancies and watch those green eyes turn red. Within weeks they’ll be digging up the great tree and pulling up unobtainium with their bare hands. If there’s any protest bring in the Navi equivalent of pot to ensure they’ll be too damn lazy to create a competent resistance (like what happened to the hippies, who were mostly useless middle class kids anyway) and make it illegal too, so if any of them get motivated enough to get up and stop laughing at that rock that looks like a “bloob” we can arrest them for it! Also if you factor in their biological neural network chances are all you have to do is get one of them high and the whole race will be in a deodate kef worthy of Rip Torn.

3. False Empowerment

Alright so there is bound to be a handful dissenters, ones that realize that humans have all the power (and the crack). Sway them by offering them minor roles with a false sense of power, appoint them to intermediary positions, hell even let them hold their own elections (secretly rig these elections of course, unless the candidates are all spineless or moronic). Now humanity has a go to guy, thrust all blame/responsibility on him, see the wonderful transient nature of democracy is so that specific blame can be passed between parties with no consequence and will always eventually land on those democracy is supposed to benefit.

4. Introduce BET (Blue Entertainment Television) and other distracting unintelligible media.

With a sense of false empowerment now in place it’s time to introduce specified mindless entertainment. Use slogans like “for us by us” and capitalize on dumbed down degraded versions of culturally significant people and trends. Take music and ideas that once came out of deep thought and yearning and make them into something in a thong that pays for $3,000 gold collars for their starving Toruk’s (the flying dinosaurs). Next play exploitive mind numbingly idiotic programming ad nauseum , be sure to include blatantly ignorant sounding catch phrases and make intellectualism and self improvement appear unappealing. Once these things become popular utilize them to advertise a meaningless lifestyle of excess that the average Navi could never afford without going into debt or at the very least without sacrificing much more important and empowering things like land and most anything granting limited independence from the human machine. Then to captivate dissenting but still naïve subcommunities advertise secondary brands of these products as “rebellious” and “edgy”.

5. Raise the bar

Some of these will begin to get disillusioned with the current state of their culture and their lack of advancement in life. Simply give them a goal like say “college” and then add varying degrees. Each degree should be associated with a social status or wealth status and should be very expensive. Now every time a Navi completes jumping through one hoop tell them they need to jump through a higher hoop. This often keeps the more intelligent Navi busy and even conforms some to human thinking.

6. MTD’s (Merger Transmitted Diseases)

So by this point some of the Navi have probably figured out Earth’s oldest profession and I’m sure with all the grand glory that is the sex industry there is a niche of deviants dedicated to Navi porn. Horny human tourist will travel to Pandora and be able to pick up a giant blue hooker check out her sweet bloobs and maybe get a sloppy blue-job (especially Jim Norton).

Which is all fine, it’s free consensual natural sex we’re after. If we make natural free pleasures more dangerous and deadly then more time will be sought seeking artificial pleasures which cost money which requires they work for us! Simply develop a disease that is horrific and transmitted sexually then claim some sick Navi banged one of those horse things.

So at this point humanity has avoided an actual war and managed to decimate and enslave a whole new world but chances are conflicts will arise between humans and these bluens (a derogatory term for Navi’s). Luckily the Navi’s arms are terribly genetically inefficient creatures on their planet. Horse things that need 8 holes to breathe? A big jaguar thing that lets a pathetic new comer to the world escape alive when on the same scale a common house cat would have torn him apart? Bright orange predators that don’t blend in anywhere and can be heard wherever they go scaring away all potential prey? Even the Navi have to tether themselves to nearly everything they use making all these creatures weaknesses their own! It’s would be like a human making it so a human in a tank experiences pain every time the tank gets shot at!

In fact the only thing with more contempt for nature than humans is the humans who designed Avatar, between disregard for physics (Really floating mountains? The sort of magnetic field required for that most likely really screw up the animals around it and it is extremely unlikely something like that could remain stable) and ignorance of the fact that life’s only real common thread is that of will to survive and adaptation to better survive there are some very “Avatarded” concepts.

Eagerly awaiting bandwidth of some sweet bare “bloobs” - Dr. Intoxicated

Questions A Fox News Viewer Has For President Obama After The State Of The Union Address

2010-01-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

With all the choices of stations to watch the state of the union address on one was noticeably absent. The spin zone, America's most popular news station. Though I'm sure the address was just ploy to brainwash you into growing a Hitler mustache and having gay sex I'm sure there are a few things real Americans want to know. I have compiled a list and if the President does not respond to my tiny insignificant blog that he will probably never see it is clearly a conspiracy. Guilty until proven innocent just like the bill of rights says. (President Obama, if you do answer these questions don't use none of your fancy magic queer speak with the big words like that Dennis Miller fruit please.)

Do you know your skin a different color than mine?

How do you intend to un-darkity your skin like that there Micheal Jackson done did?

Now are you going to make our babies gay before you grill and cannonbalize them?

As a gay homo crossdressing Commie/Nazi do you wear mostly red dresses like the commies or olive drab like the Nazis?

When you come to turn me gay will you be a gentle lover?

When you’re socialize my house with your evil socialism can I live in the part with the toilet?

Will you have the gun manufacturers make color coated guns so the gay soldiers don’t clash?

House many human skins will you need for the new drapes in your evil office?

If I put the lotion in the basket will I get the hose again? I need a new hose.

I ain’t a racist but could you maybe lynch yourself, maybe feel free to say some racist stuff, Brett Favre is play’n tonight and I got my welfare check on the game.

How many light beers equal a regular one? I want to know before you ban all but sissy light and ultra-light beer.

When you close all the banks will that mean the sperm banks too? That’s how I make my beer money.

Since you are the antichrist and to be antichrist you have to believe in Christ does that make you a Christian?

Why do you hate America and want to kill god?

Is “science spending” some commie nazi liberal words for “pay’n monkeys to evolve so they can take over earth and bury the statue of liberty”?

How many times a week do you and Hitler ride over the graves in Arlington National cemetery on a seatless tandem bicycle?

Is it true that your army of obamatron robots can be repelled by a $700 anti-obamatron spray sold only on Pat Robertson’s hotline?

Why did you shoot Abe Lincoln? Was it because he put you people out of work… I kind of understand that.

When you eliminate all the jobs in America and enslave us all by enforcing your fancy bill o’rights …. Well what will us slaves have to do… like after the jobs are all gone?

Tell Jew Biden to stop murdering my Jesus!

How many fully erect penises will be featured on your new communist American flag? I say 13.

How long do I have before you use your un-American first amendment to ban Juggs magazine, and when will the last issue come out?

How will we nuke the whales with your fancy green energy?

When you ban white people and throw us in camps will you start with the pale ones like the Irish? Also I enjoy T-ball can my death camp have T-ball?

With all due respect America wants know you, evil gay robot nazi Mr. President!

Theme Park Haiti!

2010-01-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

Right now efforts to send aid to the people of Haiti are in full effect. Aid that could have been used long before mother Earth found out she had a big booty and decided to shake it all over their little Caribbean island (She heard on BET that black men liked the big booty, unfortunately hers was just too big for even a million black men). After engrossing myself in the horrific footage and hearing of all the major aid efforts I thought “great, hopefully Haiti will end up in a better position than before” then I thought “wait, whenever America helps a poor country it’s usually because they have some resource we can steal from them.” I decided to take a look at the economy of Haiti and their geographic and mineral wealth. It goes as follows 80% of Haitians are below the poverty line and it’s not because they’re a limbo enthusiast nation like Jamaica, 66% of Haitians do sustenance farming, leaving an economy of mostly service and industrial workers. Haiti makes around 11 billion a year which less than Bill Gates spends on anime porn. Roughly 2/3 of the population does not have formal jobs and their biggest export which makes up 52% of all exports is cheap sweatshop clothing. So it’s accurate to refer to Haiti as “The novelty T-shirt producing nation of the Caribbean”. Hell I bet half the shitty “Jamaican me crazy” shirts are made in Haiti.

As far as minerals and resources go they have very limited amounts of gold, probably less gold than is in 50 Cent’s Hello Kitty fanny pack. Also they have bauxite, a fairly common type of aluminum ore which is the equivalent of mining for aluminum cans in the trash can of a shopping mall but probably less profitable (for the Haitians). Also Haiti is known as the poorest and most violent country in the Caribbean, unfortunately unlike America, Haiti just hasn’t figured out how make money by exporting violence effectively. So with no real resources to plunder from Haiti except maybe an “America Gave Aid To Haiti And All We Got Were These Lousy T-Shirts” shirt chances are America’s interest and aid will dry up quicker than a WASP’s vagina when you tell her your Rolex is a fake.

Now let’s get serious for a moment why is it after we give aid to poor countries they are still poor? Is it because of third world debt repayment… Well a bit. But mostly because our aid is short sighted it does not go to establishing sustainable economies. A sustainable economy is what we need in Haiti. Of course how do you develop a sustainable economy in an area with practically no resources, tons of crime, and an assload of novelty t-shirts?.....

Sounds kind of like a Florida. You know what Florida did? They built a shit load of cheesy theme parks. You know another place that had absolutely nothing but crime and flat land? Las Vegas. It was a worthless desert 100 years ago, the Jews didn’t even want to wander around in it.

Most Caribbean nations have some type of legalized gambling and some cities have full casino gambling so why not have Haiti go full out. It’s not like gambling will attract crime, I mean you could either be poor with crime or be less poor with crime. Haiti has beaches, sun, lax legal standards, and cheap labor I can see a variety of people and companies that would be more than interested in doing business there.

Though I’m not suggesting anything I had few ideas for attractions/theme parks in Haiti.

McDonald Land: All your lovable McDonald’s characters and food provided by the dirt cheap labor McDonald’s is known for, if that fails it can be sold to Michael McDonald re-themed and treated like a yacht rock version of Gitmo.

Astleywood: Very similar to Dollywood but themed after Rick Astley, if that doesn’t work we can simply cover the sign with something that says “Hot Nude Girls” or “Super Fun World” then right after they pay the admission they enter to hear “Never Gonna Give You Up” blasting. No Refunds.

Fox News’ Perfect America: A theme park based on all the ass backwards ideals proposed on Fox News. Whites only (except the native Haitian workers), No women, no gays, no booze, tons of guns, Christianity! No medical treatment, common roads, electricity, running water, all resources privately owned with no regulation, no labor laws, and no laws protecting you or your rights…. Actually it sounds a bit like how Haiti already is.

Something derived from a Japanese game show: Panty machines on every corner! Get randomly electrocuted! Have people shout things in unison at you! Japan Rules.

Mis-Appropriated Aid Funds Land: Regardless of what goes on this theme is sure to come up in the next few weeks, every time there is an ill in the world or a cause some unscrupulous group decides to take advantage of your kindness with an ersatz charity/tax dodge. Usually it’s Pat Robertson but this time the big gun has bowed out and let some of the young bucks take the big bucks. If you wish to avoid donating to this theme park go to Direct Relief I heard about them on Reddit.

I’m sure you guys have plenty of Haitian Theme Park/Casino ideas/Etcetera. Don’t be afraid to comment I’m a lonely creepy man and I’m aroused sexually by your hatemail.

I Present You With The Most Powerful Media Company In The World!

2010-01-14T15:21:00.000-08:00

If I was to ask most people who the most powerful newspaper is chances are I’d get answers like “The New York Times”, “The Wall Street Journal”, or “Whoever has the most Jews working for them”. Seemingly normal and novel answers to my question… Which is why it is clearly a conspiracy!

If you have television or access to a cable ready kinetiscope you’ll notice within the last year that there has been an exponential increase in pseudoscience programming. History, Discovery, Animal Planet, TLC (which used to mainly deal with the freakishly and hilariously obese and flipper babies), Scifi, and various other stations have jammed their lineups full of shows about Ghosts, UFO’s, Conspiracy Theories, Monster Hunting, Psychic babies, the existence of angels, programs featuring culinary throwback Guy Fieri, and Fox News theories about President Obama.

It seems like once legitimate stations (with the exception of Fox News, who were never legitimate.) have been taken over, not by aliens but by…. You guessed it, The Weekly World News!
My conspiracy goes like this (note: By using the word “conspiracy” it informs people that my half assed crazy rant is legitimate journalism worth reading.) The Weekly World News known to most people as “the crazy black and white tabloid with Aliens shaking hands with presidents” mysteriously disappeared from supermarkets in the year 2007. They claim it was because they weren’t making money any more but how could a company that knows a real life King Midas, A goose who actually lays golden eggs, and a potion made from honey and cayenne pepper that can change anything into a diamond and grant everlasting youth have problems with money? Exactly.. Something fishy is going on here and it isn’t fish girl’s vagina.
Honestly don’t you think an organization with enough clout to get exclusive photos of meetings between aliens and the President or exclusive interviews with an incognito Elvis has enough clout and blackmail to get a billion dollar bailout? I mean a bunch of bankers got billions of tax dollars for claiming the economy would collapse if their handful of people didn’t get bonuses and they didn’t even have pictures of Nancy Pelosi golfing with batboy!

The Weekly World News decided to secretly go underground and take control of American media. Sick of naïve programs that promoted discovery and technology without mentioning that aliens are responsible for everything from ipods to the common toilet brush they decided to cut those programs to focus more on the real scientists and adventurers, aliens. Next came these so called “history” programs, they were over thought and unnecessary. Visiting historic sites, investigating historic texts? All unnecessary when you can simply just hunt down ghosts and ask them about the past! Unfortunately ghosts are mysterious assholes who like to fuck with people appearing as common occurrences that are easily explained logically like “wind chill” and “using crappy electricians”. Noticing that Animal Planet had been completely ignoring speculative cryptozoology to focus on “real animals” they decided it was time to search for bigfoot instead focusing on real animals and their really cool evolutionary adaptations. With all of these major knowledge groups out of the way they decided to bring in the heavy guns to cover the rest… I’m talking about psychic kids. Hell they’re psychic they already know everything. Yes everything, just very vaguely. It’s like asking a Republican about specific policies.
Yes America the Weekly World News is alive and well (they should be they have a miracle potion made out of cayenne pepper and honey) and controlling the media. Watch your ass Wolfe Blitzer soon you’ll be replaced with Werewolf Blitzer and Tom Brokaw’s ass will be replaced with the ghost of Edward R. Murrow. Major League Baseball, watch out! We know about the angels in the outfield helping you rig games…

I’d like to wish Elvis a happy belated 75th birthday and I hope that batboy comic strip creator Pete Bagge finally has enough clout to get the animated version of “Hate!” on tv.

-Dr. Intoxicated